Telling

First of all - Dot thanks for your comment :) Really, I've been missing getting responses from you guys; I know everyone is busy because of Christmas so whatever!

Today was an awful day for eating. I got up and just binged and binged. I now realize why these past few days have been so intense - it's that time of the month. I'm also using that excuse to justify my recent 2ilb weight gain (even though it's really from the holiday binging). So, yeah. I dug a little hovel on the couch, then in my bed, and watched wasted time on YouTube and Facebook.

Then, I got a text from a friend, Katty. She is dating one of my old friends, so through drama and general similarities of personality (on a deeper level than academics and interpersonal) we've grown close. She's the first person I've ever truly explained my family situation to. She's really the only person who knows how much pain people in Elementary and Jr. High school caused me and how it effects me still. She calls me if her mothers is being abusive; both of us have issues with religion.

ANYWAYS, long story short, I basically hinted that I was going crazy and we went out for dinner and dessert (which was the cherry on top of a binge day - ugh). We chatted about nothing, went to her house and chatted more about deepish stuff then we she drove me home I'm pretty sure I told her I went through a border-line eating disorder and that I am struggling with it still, along with depression. We also talked about suicide.

So.

Now, I feel much lighter. Imagine that. I'm kind of worried, but also not. I trust her - she's not going to tell anyone and I know that. But she's also someone I see every day... multiple times a day. She will be someone who will ask if I'm eating and she will now be looking for signs of shit going down. And that's slightly... I don't know what I think yet. It's either a relief or a fear-inducing recipe for disaster.

I'm sure it will turn out to be both.

Inside my head

I have numbed myself out.

That night after last post... I tried to sleep for a few hours, but something was nawing at me. I knew what it was, but I resisted it. No, I couldn't cut again. I had done so well. There was hate, sure. Pain of lonliness should be enough, shouldn't it? Why did I have to hurt more? I had already burned myself (accidentally, though I kept it a secret and it hasn't been treated), why did I need the blade.

As soon as five neat, red threads were carved on my arm, I finally slept. It was a relief - and I welcomed it.

Today, I binged then went out and ate stomach-fulls of junk. I spent time smiling with friends, putting on my pristine mask of painlessness and carelessness and perfection and success and happiness. I was "real" with them. I left a little trail that, by the end of the night, warned them that I couldn't take the fat jokes or the jesting about my lack of intelligence.

I came home to drunken parents talking about religion and, essentially, how I am going through a "phase". They want me to be something I am not. My mom wouldn't let me go on a diet with her post-Holidays, but now that I look like I've gained 50ilbs (even though I haven't gained anything on the scale) she is all for it.

I want to stop caring. That's what I did last year, I think. I just stopped caring about the risks, about what other people would think, about how difficult it would be, about how stupid and selfish it would be - I just did it. I stopped everything. I stopped caring and I got happy and I got thin.

I wish I could come here and tell you all that my day was generally good and that I did indeed have a really amazing time with my friends at the lights show tonight. But this is the only place in the whole world where I can tell myself - yes, you had fun. Lying.

It is the only place I can take off the mask.

To my new readers, welcome. Sorry I don't write anything interesting.

Tracks end here

I can't even start this post right now. I feel totally, utterly, completely... worthless? That's what it is, I guess. It's the first word that came up. I actually don't know what I am feeling - besides tightness in my chest. And I don't know why it's making me cry.

Why should I expect anything different? My oldest friends, my friends who I can always count on for... god, I am lying to myself. They've all been asses to me at one point or another. They've ruined relationships. They've made me starve, they've made me cut, and they've made me hate. So why do I still cry over them? Why does it hurt so much when they abandon me?

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted to come to his birthday party."
Right, because I wouldn't want to come to the last birthday party I'd ever be around for.

"Oh, sorry. You were working. We didn't think you'd want to come exchange Christmas gifts."
Right, because after 7 years, I wouldn't want to give you all the final gifts before university.

"Oh, sorry. Next time, I'll respond."
Right, because when I send you a text saying "I need someone to talk to... please." you shouldn't assume I am having an anxiety attack while walking home alone.

Why does it hurt so much to know that your parents take you for granted?

Why does it matter that people can laugh and joke about forgetting about you?

Why does it matter if someone doesn't ask where your scars are from, especially when they too cut?

Why does it hurt more when you eat like a fucking pig....

When you gain weight...

When you realize that, above anything else, all you want is to be wanted by someone...

And that it will never happen because you're not worth a fucking cent.

Really, what would change if I wasn't here? I am so done. So done with everything and everyone. Especially myself. Mostly myself. Why can't I be HAPPY. Why can't I be NORMAL. Why can't I be anyone else.

Everything comes back to my body, my stomach, my scars. All of it would be ok if I wasn't fat. If I wasn't so stupid. If I wasn't me.

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Christmas: Dancing Guilt

1) Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying what they can of the season, of the spirit and, if nothing else, of the presents ;P

Last night I went to a cocktail/dance party. I wore a retro black-and-white polka dotted dress. This dress floats wonderfully and I felt... pretty. Again, early on in the evening, I was abandoned by my "friends" from the theatre. I didn't care though, rather, I pushed it out of my mind. I knew other people there and, dare I say, I was getting attention from some of the boys.

There was alcohol, but it was tightly controlled and I don't have a fake. Instead... I gave up. I literally stood aside and told myself, "Screw it. Just screw it." I danced for 3 hours. I dipped and twirled and shook my thang. It was wonderful. I ate too much, I felt fat and disgusting. So - god - why should I care? No one would want me anyways.

So, it was a good night again.

Now, on to Christmas Eve. Today is a really hard day for many, myself included. My biggest issue is that this is the day, once a year, that my parents drag us to a church service. I will try not to go too far in to this, but this year it was really hitting home. It was my first christmas with scars, my first christmas full of hate just beneath the surface.

I am not religious. I am not even particularly faithful. I do not believe in God, or Jesus. I do not believe that there is some force out there that can heal me if I "open my heart" to it. I do not believe that Christmas is Jesus' birthday.

On the other hand, especially with Christmas, the spirit the season invokes is something I can not disagree with. The pastor was talking about the Christmas Spirit tonight, and he was going on about the value of Christmas spirit and of giving presents and of taking pride in humanity. I was thinking : "Wow, he is right. This really is what it's about..." then he said, "and that only way we can achieve peace is if we let Jesus into our hearts".

This is wear religion loses me. No, it isn't up to "God". ANYWAYS. Sorry. I write about this because these services make me feel extremely guilty. I feel that by being there, by standing during songs, by closing my eyes (respectfully) while people pray... I feel as though I am lying.

All that is going through my mind is: Liar, liar, liar. How can you disrespect these people? Worthless fatty. Liar... etc.

Somehow, i'll get through Christmas. The holidaze.

Holding 140.

Does anyone read this anymore?

Relief

I have been avoiding this blog (it doesn't seem like it, but I have) because I've been a very, very naughty girl. If I get away from the kitchen, or from the stores or coffee shops, for a few hours - it is a god send.

I'm pretty ashamed, and I can't even imagine what it is going to be like once christmas shit actually starts rolling around. I feel myself slipping back into the darkness of constant, hypocritical, unproductive perfectionism. At work today it was all I could do to not stare at customers' skinny legs or flat stomachs or tiny waists - so I went to Burger King. It's stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm having a half-fast, uber controlled day tomorrow. It's planned out to the 15minute mark. Parents are not home, so nothing can screw me up.

And -if something does - I have a plan B, C, and D.

On another note, I got my acceptance letter to my back-up university. I got is a few days ago, and I didn't tell anyone. I don't know why, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to bring it up. Am I scared of how close it is? Am I worried about the commitment I need to make? Do I refuse to recognize it because I don't want to?

I don't know.

But, for some reason, I came home from work today and brought it up to my parents - acting like I just got it today. And... it was a weight off my shoulders. I AM going to university. I AM. I don't have to worry about not getting in or not having the grades or the money - I am going.

So, why did I hide it for 5 days?

Happy Christmas everyone, enjoy what you can. :)

P.S Holding at 140. As per usual.

Disordered

Was sick yesterday, my stomach was in knots. I ate very little. Slept a lot.
Got up, and:
Binge.
binge.
BINGE.
BINGE.
BINGE.

Fuck up.
Shopping again.

Well, That was Interesting...

This is going to be short because I feel like passing out, but I need to record this random day.

I woke up and felt wonderful. Then, I binged on sugar-cookies - not so wonderful. I got really depressed and started watching Pro-Ana videos and Intervention episodes - crying all the way through. Then, I showered, cried more, and went at my arm with a pin.

Then I got a call to go hang with Z and the gang. We were going to go up to a lights show but it got super, crazy foggy, so we pulled in at a mall. It was just me and Jess (Z's cousin) so we went grad dress shopping.

I fit a size 2 perfectly.

It made everything a little better. Then, we went hottubbing and played Truth or truth for 2hrs. Another good night :)

Best night ever (kind of)

Wow. Ok. So, I went to the party tonight expecting there to be: a) no booze, b) tons of shit food and c) no Z. Well, I was wrong on ALL accounts.

Part A being untrue was amazing. Honestly, like I ranted about earlier, I needed to get drunk so bad. I didn't get trashed, just mildly...well, rather, tipsy. I downed like 2 or 3 jello shots on an empty stomach, then had rum. God. I can't even imagine the calories and fat... but I have resolved to either fast or do soup all day and go to the gym to work off at least 1000 (really only about 2hrs).

Part B was partially true; there wasn't any pizza or anything like that. Just baked goods - btw, I found this amazing fudgy-cake-cookie recipe that costs like 30-40cals a pop. It's a lot less than your average cookie! I ate way to much in that sense, but at least it was only 30-60cal finger foods, not handfuls of chips and pieces of 300cal pizza... maybe.

So, I am drunk. We got to the hot tub. Hell, I don't care if my stomach, scarred and full, is hanging out, I slap on my bathing suit and out I go. How embarrassing. Anyways, we played Five Fingers ("never have I ever" for some). When you get out, you have to kiss someone. For someone who has only ever kissed people during games like this (and it was only two people), this kind of scared me.

But I didn't care. I think I ended up kissing 4 or 5 girls... and PART C. That's right. I kissed (a harmless, innocent peck on the lips just like the girls) Z. I felt a weight come off my chest. This didn't mean anything and it should and it doesn't. I can kiss him and not worry about it. Whatever!

Such a good night.

There was also a secret santa thing going on, 0$. So, I made the girl I was Santa-ing for a CD and a necklace. She's very country-hippie-hipster. It was made of hemp, long, half-hitched stitched. The pendant was a simple, carved, wooden heart. There were two blue beads on each strand and then a tiny dragonfly attached to the pendant heart.

I love making jewelry.

Anyways, she loved it. I mean, she loved loved it. Drunk and sober she loved it - wore it all night and showed everyone. I don't care if she was trying to be nice, it made me feel really good. I'm an attention whore - especially under the influence.

What makes it even better? She is Z's cousin.

God, a great end to a great flipping day. Lots of work tomorrow though! Gotta pay for the indulgences tonight ;P

P.S Was at 139 this morning, sure that'll go up tomorrow.

excuses

Good god.

Advert your eyes... these are some recent-ish photos. No semi-nudes until I hit the gym a few more times. The sweater dress and cardigan needed my mother's approval, so that is why I took the pictures haha

Today has been a roller coaster of insanity... I was doing so well. I woke up and was 138 - with clothes on. I was so motivated. hell yes, I was going to go to the gym. I was going to go without lunch all the way until after read through.

But then I wrote my Bio final... then my Social final... I haven't let myself feel anything about them outwardly, but I'm pretty sure I fucked up bad. I guess a lot. A lot.

Last night I spent 3hrs casting the musical, so I took the brunt of the drama and had to do a lot of damage control. People needed me, I was happy. It's pathetic, blah blah blah, we know. So, then, I went and got lunch...400cals worth of lunch.

No worries! I told myself, that and breakfast will be all I eat today! And I made it almost all night.

But then I went to Staples to pick up some prints for a project. The girl was bitch and made me pay 3$ extra to have them done tonight instead of at 7am tomorrow - and I had to wait an hour. Then, for some reason - maybe I'm so tired I can't think or maybe I am bottling my emotions so completely that I didn't realize I was angry - I walked over to a coffee shop to buy my favorite indulgence: a London Fog.

Before I knew it, I had my London Fog and massive slice of carrot cake. I ate it, I read the paper, I read the edits on my latest essay (an A!!), I picked up my prints, I went home and then I realized what happened. Fuck. Fuck. fuck. FUCK. (sorry)

I am going to a party tomorrow. There is going to be a hot tub and there is going to be alcohol. I wanted more than anything to be able to at least wear a tank top instead of a tshirt over my bathing suit... Hell, at this point, I don't even know if I will venture there.

UGH.

Keeping On

I didn't cut that night - or binge even. I went into my room and stared at facebook profiles and pictures of those who are hurting me. I found my dayplanner and went into another OCD manic episode, cleaning and organizing. Then, I cried myself into a restless sleep.

It's a pretty solid win for me, I think.

I feel myself easing back into this lifestyle - whatever this is. I go to bed promising myself I am going to fast, I wake up realising I have to eat something, but it is less than even what I was eating last week. I am hoping to go to the gym tonight and start whipping this lazy, fat ass into shape. I'll probably go even if I don't have the time to - I need the endorphins if nothing else.

Yesterday was awful. I was a zombie. An obsessed, sad, angry, hungry zombie without enough energy to even pretend to smile.

I was exhausted from 2 sleepless nights, so last night I just said to myself : "OK. Time for bed. If you aren't going to study or excersize, go to bed.... once you check facebook ONCE more." I ended up getting into a conversation about music and I realised how stale my music library was.

I ended up downloading/finding/ranting about new music until 1am. Ooops.

The new tunes have revitalized me though. I feel much, much better about things and I feel lighter. I'm no less convinced of my own failure as a person, but at least the world is a bit better, right? Anyways. I'll be posting pictures tomorrow, I think. I need to start being more accountable... to whatever magic people who actually read this.

Together, we are three

I am you, and you are me and, together, we are three.
You, pain and me.
-Peer Gynt, Ibsen

School boards are the epitome of stupid. Ok, I understand blocking facebook, I do. Even I am guilty of abusing the WorldWideWeb while supposedly doing research on the FLQ Crisis... But, really? Hotmail, blogs, AND Bing? I'm sitting here on my spare, freaking out and about to explode from how stupid I am, and I discover this - my social connection (facebook) is gone, my organizational tool for life (email) is inaccessible, my only outlet for emotion (this blog) is blocked AND to top it freaking off - I can't even search thinspo in a nice, continuous format.

I actually started having a minor anxiety attack (which is so incredibly dumb). Thankfully, I hacked the system because I really, really need to just rant about how, once again, I have deluded myself and placed a large amount of trust in a fantasy (see last post). Sorry for all the ()s.

I lied. Z. and his girlfriend are tight and they are undoubtedly in teenage-puppy-love. He hugs everyone like that. He didn't even look at me at lunch today - just at her and her perfect, feminine self. Over the weekend I convinced myself that there was something there, that he is worth my attentions and that he should mean something to me. Why would I do that... Fuck. I always do this. I emotionally attach myself to someone who I know is unattainable. Then, inevitability, I am crushed and perpetually alone.

Even my friends seemed to ignore me today - oh, look at her, look at her! What a fool she is. Why is she here? She is not one of us, she is not worth our time. She hasn't accomplished anything. No friends, not wanted. She will contaminate us.

That is what their eyes said to me. I haven't cut in almost 6 weeks. I don't know if I'll make it through the day without something letting go. My heart is tight from yet another doomed infatuation. Why did I have to eat before seeing him? I feel sick now.

Holding steady at 140. This damned plateau. I want to get drunk, I want to cut, I want to yell and scream, I want to tell someone ( I hesitate as I type). More than anything, I want this pain to go away. The depression is creeping back, a monster on all fours, dragging me closer and closer.

And more than half of me wants to just let it win.

Abandonned

Today was amazing. I woke up and felt wonderful - still at just-barely-under-140. After devising a wonderfully dark, attractive-yet-comfy outfit, I stepped into school and was handed free coffee! Wonderful. Then, I got my report card and I am sitting at straight 90s in my academics, then 95s in options. In Bio, I figured out the unit's main points. In Social, my teacher took us out for coffee/hot chocolate instead of doing a test because we, as an honors class of seven, brought our class average up by 10%. So much fun!

After school, as we got out early, the cast put on Harry Potter 6 and sat down and watched it together. It was amazing. Then, we all went out for dinner. Then, we had an absolutely wonderful closing show with an absolutely shitty audience (which made it better, because we didn't care about them either).

The after party was at a dreaded ice cream parlor, but I resisted major food and ice cream, opting for a kids cone of plain vanilla.

Soon, my friends begin to leave. All at once. You have to understand, during show, there was a group of about 10 of us who spent every day with each other from 3pm-10pm all week. There were jokes, drama and tender moments. So, imagine my dismay when they (the 9 of them) leave at once. I go to say good bye and one of them asks, "Are you coming?" I ask where. He says, "Oh, sorry, we're going to Micheles... sorry, you can't come. Bye."

They left. The people I wanted to spend my night with just left without me, without even asking if I could come or if I wanted to. They just left. Why couldn't I come? Oh, well, they thought I would have to go home.

Excuse me? No. How can they do that? Shit, I shouldn't be mad. I know that. I usually can't come, I haven't had the time. But... they don't understand how much I rely on their friendship and attention and company. They left and I was alone. Again. As always. As always.

God. And there is this guy, Z. He and I hit it off over the summer, like there were sparks. I was too scared to pursue though, I didn't know him or his cousin or anyone. Now I do. I've been hanging with them, and with him. But now he has a girlfriend (though they don't seem close). Still... I was crying backstage today because it was my last show blah-blah-blah and he just came up and gave me this long, tight hug.

I wanted to just blurt it all out. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to cry harder. I wanted to just... ugh. But I couldn't. I didn't. But all night, he kept doing it. Every time I passed him back stage, even at the parlor, every time I looked sad or started getting flustered he just came up and hugged me. The more amazing thing was that I never once thought while he was hugging me if he thought I was fat. He gives bear hugs, real hugs, the all-the-way-around-your-waist hugs.

But then he left with them. And I realize I don't mean anything to him, I don't mean anything to any of them.

And I want to throw up that ice cream.

Everyone Else

Drama people are dramatic.

For anyone who has ever been in theatre, you know what I mean. Actors make drama amongst themselves, for they have problems separating life from the stage and imaginings, desires and hatred blooms under the spotlight. Techs make drama in order to, ironically, mock the drama of the actor who are - obviously, and often literally - below them. Actors make drama with Techs because if Techs screw up... no one can see. Techs make drama with Actors because they don't understand the anxiety of a monologue.

It's exhausting. But, I love it. I know why, too. It's because I swing between both (Imagine that, another grey area!) Most of my friends are actors, I go to actor parties, I talk the actor speak, I treat the actors like actors - but I am, and will always be, a tech. I run the show, they are the show. It's a line I enjoy balancing. I can feel involved with everyone, needed by everyone, acknowledged and respected by everyone.

Someone asked me why I bothered with theatre yesterday, I said: "Because it's fun." This is the real answer.

Beyond the confines of the stage, my life is still holding it's own, hovering above the OK line. Everyone else, though, just isn't. Everyone is raging, everyone is depressed. I realize now that they (specifically, a group of 4 or 5) were happier, more lively, when I was depressed. There was laughing behind me in class - I sit by myself in front of rows of friends now. They always mocked me, they found ways to lift each others spirits.

But now, it's not like that. Now, everyone is sad and lonely. I fight it's effects, but right now it's sinking in. Their negativity is contagious; I wonder, is it me? What am I doing? Did I wear the wrong thing? Am I bulging? Am I asking a stupid question? Did I ignore them? Did I say something wrong?

It's making me paranoid about everything. And the paranoia is adding to my generalized, showtime rage which is fueled by both physical and mental exhaustion. I'm popping advil like a drug addict. I feel boxed in by them. I feel worthless and needless and helpless.

So, I go and buy bake sale goods - a cupcake and ricebar. Which is bad, I know.

I want to fast. That is really what I want. It's what would bring my spirits up. But, I won't risk it. Not when the show depends on me to make it run. I tried fasting during show last year - I blacked out - it was a disaster. I can't risk it.

xxo

Show Week!

This is going to be mucho short because I literally have 5 mins here.



It's show week. This means a few things

1) 16-18hr days

2) Running/yelling/pushing/holding/fixing for 3hrs straight (gotta burn something, right?)

3) No time to do anything

4) Exhaustion

5) Eating less

6) Feeling more like I'm a part of something



I was feeling so good after last night's opening, I wore a tight-ish sweater dress (albeit, my hips are concealed via cardigan) for the first time. It's been a really, really, really good day so far.



Wish me luck,

Break a leg!



PS. I'm back down to 139. When the hell did that happen?

Most Random Day

I had a wonderfully long, eloquent, thought-provoking post all planned out.

It involved a philosophical, ED-esque look at New Moon and how the acting changed my entire perspective on the series, a stupid comment in Social that is plaguing my thoughts, how my jeans are for some reason loose and how I haven't weighed myself in a while because I'm too scared and how they may possibly be connected, how I'm at a stupid 84% in Bio because of ONE assignment the teacher lost, and how absolutely fucking ridiculous (and delicious) the idea of tropical (pineapple + coconut) green tea is.

But, I care not anymore. I wasted my night avoiding homework and studying for a unit test. I was happy, random, sparkling today - except I refused to deal with pressing issues, ones even beyond school and eating. I considered walking in to the guidance office and just telling her - this massive 400ilb+ sweet women who has "known" me for 3 years - that I: a) cut, b) am passively/agressively obsessed with perfection, c) have starved myself to lose weight and that I desperately want to do it again, d) am insanely, wholly and completely lonely and how no one knows me, e) can't stabilize my emotions, and f) honestly think I'm worthless.

I considered emailing my most trusted teacher.

Then, I thought of the repercussions. What would I sound like? That snotty nosed princess who's life is perfect until she fabricates a character twist that makes everyone wonder... that is where it's leading. People already think I'm perfect, that nothing bad ever happens to me, that nothing is ever wrong in my life. I have no motivation to be depressed, right? How could I! I'm an award winning student, the perfect respected-bitch-who-everyone-loves-to-hate. It must be for attention then. Or, oh, it's too perfect. The unnatainable perfectionist descends into depression - it's so true it's a cliche.

I can't live with that. Even if it's not perfect, beauty will arise from this pain, right?

P.S. Like the new layout? I'm having a love/hate relationship with it.

Booty + Retail Therapy

On Friday, we had our dress rehearsal. We also had an extreme winter storm-watch - a foot of snow, 70km/hr winds, and -30degree temperatures. Missing 3 of our techs due to the weather, all hell broke lose. Fights erupted, light bulbs broke, teachers yelled at each other, costumes ripped, blood was shed. It was good fun.

Today, I actually had a very busy, very good, and very light day. I slept OK, got up and helped shovel the drive way (2feet of snow) for an little under an hour (it is estimated by the internets that this burned over 300 calories. I think it's a lie) and then went off to work.

Problem: they changed the schedule without telling me! So, instead of working 1pm-9pm, I actually worked 5-9. Oh bother, 4hours to kill. What ever shall I do? Shop, of course. I found a cardigan, a really cute dress, two basic long sleeve tops and two pairs of jeans... And Xmas gifts.

The goes my paycheck. Whatever.

Is it just me or does buying new clothes, no matter how shitty you feel about the number, make things feel OK? They feel make me feel new too.

Oh, jeez. Soon, I'll be a shoppoholic AND an alcoholic. Oh well. At least I'm not buying food ;) Speaking of which, until about 9pm I had had only about 500cals all day.

Then, unfortunately, I went to an 18th birthday party afterwards. There was all manner of crap, and I did eat certainly my remaining 500cals. I had small victories - no ice cream with cake, no garlic bread with pizza, no chips, no fries, no pop etc.

Anyways, on the most annoying part of the night. I have this friend, Oce, who's gay. She was one of the only people who knew about my weight loss last year. So, you can imagine my annoyance when the first thing she says to me is: "Oh wow! Look at you, babe! You have a booty again!!!"

Yes, thank you. I've gained weight. Thanks. THANKS.

Awkward. I love her to pieces, and I have no problem with homosexuals at all. But, really? Did you have to say that? No.

LoveTrain

Pomegranate, this video and mittens are the only things keeping me from cutting/ binging right now.

I'm not even joking.

Bio = 70% on a fucking quiz on stuff we HAVEN'T LEARNED.
Social = bitch-friends essentially calling me a liar and a lazy, fat ass.
Spare = watched a romance movie (oh, woe is me)
English = girls talking about their relationships and how, what!, I've never had a boyfriend! Oh, you poor thing. Gigglegigglegiggle.

I hate people. Actually, I hate people. Often. Now. Today.

White Tea is Orange

This is going to be a quickie.

I'm still feeling as I was - lighter, a little happier (dare I say) and focused. Unfortunately, my eatting is still above what it should even healthily be. I'm scared to grasp it again. I'm scared to force it under that precious 1000cal line.

At the same time, I know that I have only 2weeks to wait before I can tighten the corset again. I feel weak for compromising, but at this point, it's either starve and fail or fail and eat. Or, the chocie I'm going with for now - exceed and binge. Once my marks go down, all hell brakes lose. I know that. Without my marks and commitments, I feel even more worthless.

Anyways. I might be assistant directing my school's musical next semester. I'm... excited.

Emotions.

God, it's weird to have them again.

Also, not only is my title to this post real... in that I just made some white-tangerine tea that is, for some marvelous reason orange, but it's also metaphorical. White tea, boring bland, is now gaining colour.

Yes, I'm a tool like that. <333

Lightness

I'm going through another mood swing.

It's odd because, despite my constant hate, binging, comparing, stressing, craving and otherwise depressive behaviors, I feel lighter. I'm starting to feel better than OK. I'm starting to, at least today, focus. I spent 2hrs last night doing homework, organizing and planing for my week - more than I have done in the past month. For some reason, I still haven't been able to find motivation to control my eating - I think I've eatten a good 700cals already today and it's only 12:30. It's disgusting. But, I am more aware of it. I'm working towards a slow build.

I'm comforting myself with the thought that it is soon Christmas break and I will be able to spend time at the gym and actually control when I eat (verses I have to eat between 6:30-7:30am, between 11:40-12:00pm and 5-7pm). When I had the time to focus last year, in the December (Christmas break) to March area I lost weight and gained smiles.

I can feel my wall going up again against the baddies and the saddies. I can know that I don't love myself, that I'm not confident in myself, but I don't have to let every single thing I see, hear or do or don't impact my existance. For instance, yesterday 4 of my friends went facebook-official on relationships I didn't know about. Without knowing it, I 3rd wheeled every one of their dates. Once again, no one wants me (not that I blame them right now). Its tugging at my heart strings, but I refuse to let them snap.

This semester has been a gong show, but I actually have some optimism for the weeks to come. With any luck at all, this mood will stay. Something in me needs to click, and I feel gears shifting.

Where they will stop, no body knows.

Labelling

In grade 10 and 11, though especially 10, I was much more stable in my emotions. I still felt, let's say - because I quantify my own emotions now as the reflection of varying degrees of numbness. I was, because of my relative not-depressed-ness, a control freak. I was, though not clinically, rather Obsessive Compulsive about space, boxes, my appearance, my work, etc.

Among my friends, I earned the title "Robot". At first, I didn't really mind. I knew I was a little control-freak-ish, but I weakly resisted to the label. Mostly, I enjoyed the attentions and even played it up sometimes. Then, as I started to restrict and feel the onset of "teenage angst" (see later for details of this absolutely INFURIATING phrase), the title began to bother me. A lot. I already didn't feel worthy of humanity, I didn't feel like I was worth human contact or love, I didn't want to have to eat to power myself, and I wanted everything to be as perfect as my "programming" could make it. So, when you have a shitty day, and you have a mini-anxiety attack because your desk isn't lined up (it's the only thing you can focus on because your day has been so shitty), then your friends and teacher whisper - "Robot"... it's really, really not what you want to hear.

For a while, I went from weakly protesting, to getting pissed (made it worse because now it signaled my anger issues as well - I was malfunctioning see) at them, to ignoring it, until I finally sat down with the ring-leader and said: "I need this to stop. Now. Or, honestly, I can't be around you anymore." It's one of the few things I ever done to save my own sanity.

So, I wasn't the brunt anymore amongst that group of friends. Well, in that sense any ways. They're all elite gamers and, I, the drama kid, so we but heads a little. But, anyways, point is now I have a new title that I, for some reason, "feel" entirely different about.

Drunk.

How this happened was, long story short, I drunk-messaged them on Halloween. Whatever, right? Except for the fact that none of them ever drink. So, the flavor of the month is to constantly refer to me as an alcoholic. My teachers (two of them) have picked up on it and are doing it too. I'm starting to play along.

Why am I OK with this? Isn't it worse?

Well, no. If I'm an alcoholic, it means I'm a little-bit-more normal. It's terrible, but true. I party. I have those friends. I'm having those experiences. Plus, honestly, I want to get trashed. I crave it. It, somehow, makes the numbness go away. I sound, I think, I pretty much am I budding alcoholic - save for the fact that I don't drink often and even if I crave it I won't go out and get it.

Anways. My weight has gone down, despite the fact that I woke up this morning thinking I was fatter than ever. My mood has not changed, though I realized that I haven't cut (broken the skin) in almost 3weeks - despite wanting to intensely. I find myself resorting to a rubber band though...

I've also recently discovered that my mom, when she was my age, was probably an exercise bulimic. She was talking to me again about my "teenage angst" and how she remembers that when she was in high school she hated her body and her self and how she didn't weigh much and how she threw all her hate into sports and the gym (like I do with global issues/theatre). I'm thinking, hm, ok, isn't it proven that, to some extent, disordered mindsets at genetically linked? Either way, I'm not surprised, with all the shit she has going on now (anxiety, major depression).

Main difference between me and my mom, the main difference between our "teenage angst"? She was loved by everyone in the school, the star athlete. She went through guys faster than the loosest slut. She didn't have stellar grades, but she still went to university on basketball scholarship. And she was thin. She didn't cut. No one expected anything from her - other than to win games.

I'm not saying I have it harder. I'm saying I have it different. Guys are my friends or they hate me (I oh so love honesty box on facebook). No one knows ME at school. I have honors grades and may-or-may-not even get in to university. I'm not thin. Everyone expects everything from me.

I hate that she groups it together and diagnoses it as "teenage angst". But, I can't refute. It would give too much away.

Sorry for the ranting post. foriegnobject, Ana's girl + Lala, you guys rock my socks.

Gepetto is a douchebag

Ohright. I remember now. That is, I remember why I am rarely OK/happy. I binge when I feel OK. I binge when life seems optomistic. I'm a freaking masochist.This is how it goes:

"Oh, wait, no. You can't be happy becuase you're a messed, worthless piece of crap. Let me show you how I know that's true."

And, I mean, yes, the majority of the time, I feel that way. No matter how many times a day I comfort someone, or get congradulated or complimented, I can't help but internally scoff. Really? Really? You wouldn't say that if I wasn't a lying, deceitful douchebag.

When I'm not on here - writing these posts as I do - I feel like a puppet. "Today, I will feel like this, move your hand here...up to your mouth... now, feel bad! Ok, move to your class. Get up! Wake up! Ask a question! Good. Now, time to write. Get a pencil. Etc." Because, honestly, I don't want to do it. I mean, in saying that it implies I even sense or recognize the emotion of "desire" (which I don't), but I digress. I'd semi-"happily" lay in bed all day.

But, then, I start looking at my actions. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I am the puppet-master, yet, undeniably, I am also the puppet of my own idiotic mindset. I am not helping myself here. I'm not helping or impressing or doing this for anyone. ridiculously So why must I be so obsessed with... not even just myself, but my world.

Everyone's reasons for this... for having, at the very least, this form of unneeded distortion of our reflections are different. But... I truely, wholely, unequivocably believe that everyone is beautiful. Every. Single. Person. I believe I can be beautiful, but I know a secret about myself. I'm not beautiful on the inside, therefore I can not be apart of this idealized beautiful humanity.

But, even that doesn't make any logical sense. Q.E.D.

So, when I sit and I eat 4 pieces of pizza, candy, soup, bread... and I'm thinking, Jesus lord I'm fat... at a volunteer session to share my passion for global humanitarian work with Jr. High students... and I spend my night talking to concerned parents, pushing my concerns for my body and for my own worth out of my head... I become someone else. It's not me.

Because... at this point... I don't know how to exist without having these hateful thoughts. I honestly, honestly believe it now. It's like how you hate your job, but you know you aren't going to quit because, lets face it, why bother? It's not like you have anywhere else to go. So, you go to work knowing that the face your boss sees, the face your coworkers see, is a facade; this mask attachs to your core, your very being and becomes a part of your costume. A costume that your puppet-master deems correct, the one He deems suitable.

But, you're your own puppet-master.

So, where the fuck does that leave you?

Content = happy?

You know those days when you just wake up... and you say to yourself: It's going to be OK.

That was me today. Yesterday was bad. I cried myself to sleep - literally. It seems to be that I need that literal emotional release, whether it be crying, cutting or starving, in order to wake up OK. I find it mildly sad (and interesting) that my waking up OK, my being OK, my looking forward to the day was defined in my own mind as happiness. Oh, wow, today I'm not depressed. I must be happy!

Why can't I live in the grey with this? I swear, this depressed vs angry vs OK/happy spectrum is not a spectrum at all! It's either or... or a combination of the first two. Every other aspect of my emotion, my expression, my issues and my philosophy is based on compromise and grey. Why can't I have a difference between OK and Content and Happy and Joyous and Ecstatic?

I have little to say on this blog tonight. My weight feels like it's going down, but it's not... probably an effect of my mood swing. I have a rant going for tomorrow, so stay tuned... yeah. I've had this playing on repeat all day. It must be noted, I listen to the Glee version. It's the best :) It summarizes my mood today.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always
tomorrow.

Restless

We live in a world of contradictions.

I live/die in a world/hell of contradictions/ realities.

I'm reading Wasted right now -slowly, but surely - and it's really scary. I'm not in anyway, shape, or form like Marya H. in the sense of motivation or severity or ENDOS diagnosis.

Yet, I read her bio. I read her descriptions and her eloquent musings, and I experience deja vu so often it gives me whiplash.

I watched a documentary about teenage girls and eating disorders, sexuality and cutting. These girls speak so honestly about their needs on all these levels and how they've all experienced it. How much it hurts and how much they want it to hurt. I see myself in them; they voice sentences I have only dared to think.

I talk with a graduate about suicide (not related to me at all) and he just sighs and tells me it's harder to talk to someone than to do it. That is how shoving pills down your throat, or starving yourself, or dangling from a rope is the easy way out. I ask what depression is, then? He says it's limbo, indecision, and it's weakness too. I (dis)agreed.

So, what does that make me? Normal? Mild? Not depressed enough. A cut not deep enough. A girl not thin enough. Not angry enough. Is that it?

Sleep is my only escape... my only true relief from the alternating numbness and pain and guilt and anger. But even that is tainted somehow, yet only enough to bother me, not enough to worry about. I wake up exhausted - knowing that I hardly slept through the night as I tossed and turned, surrounded by semi-conscious fears and hate.

I almost collapsed at work because I hadn't eaten in a few hours.
I used to go 4 days without even liquid food.

What does that make me?

Fin

Currently addicted to this song: Anxiety - Black Eyed Peas. It's so perfect.

Anyways, I have little to say. I've been doing well on the eating front - I went to a little hang-out-and-chat party with some people on Friday night. There was a MASSIVE garbage bag full of halloween candy on the table and Coke and cookies. I had a Coke Zero and a tootsie roll lolli, which - considering the temptation - I was rather proud of.

Didn't do si wonderfully today - there were some cookies, chips and pop at the volunteer meeting. I had a cookie and some chips, no pop though. I did, however, walk home from the train station, which isn't even 100cals but w/e it's something.

I was way out of it all day today. Did nothing. Stared at the computer and TV screen hoping breathing burnt calories... I realised I've had about 24hrs of sleep since last Sunday. Oops. Anyways, on that note, I'm off.

More tomorrow. :)

Guiding Star

Yesterday, I won a city-wide peace medal. I didn't feel anything. I actually didn't. Besides nerves, I wasn't excited, or happy, or interested, or inspired, or even hateful. Just nothing. Numb. The greatest honour I've ever received and all I could think was NOTHING. ..

I was, perhaps, confused. I don't think of myself as being anything worth honouring. So, why should I get this? How can a committee of people who've never met me decide I deserve such an award?

I did this activity called "My Guiding Star". For each of these points, I picked up a "value" to fill in. It's not mean to be tarot-card-esque or a prediction tool, it's meant to be suggestions on what to focus on. It is made relevant, I know that, it's not fate that picked the most amazingly relevant values to me... but the ones I got were insanely brilliant.

For my family: Strength
I need to have the strength to realise my family does not define me. My issues with my father - especially representative in a fight tonight - are not the most important. I have to have the strength to not let it be the be-all and end-all of my day and of my feeling.

For my work: Creativity

For my relationship: Healing
I especially love this one. At first, I got scared. What relationship? I have none... rant rant rant. Oh! I need to heal myself and let myself open up to the possibility, the commitment of having better relationships and possibly a romantic one. I am so hurt and so torn from every boy who has ever rejected me or has used me. Despite my own fundamental desire/need for someone to love me, I am cynical about it. I need to heal myself before anything can happen.

For my social life: Forgiveness

For my self development: Easiness
Take a breath, take a step back, laze, ponder, be easy with yourself. I have to learn to be less self-hating. To ease up on myself. Or else... I honestly don't know if I can make it through the year.

My foundation: Insight
I analyze everything. This blog shows that. This post shows that. I am insight. It's... perfect.

Anyways. My days have been full and busy and feigned. I'm trying to apply these values.

I am down to 141ilbs. It's more motivation. I've been 145 and felt SKINNY because I was FIT. Now, I'm nearly 140 and feel fat because I am.

Night <3

Things I'll Never Say

I wonder if I'm borderline bi-polar.

No, honestly. Yesterday, I was so... content. Optimistic. Life sucked, but it was OK because you just had to push through. Smile more, and the world will smile with you.

On Friday, I was having some form of panic attack. Cleaning, rearranging, homeworking for hours and hours at a time is not, by any means, normal. I was freaked. Scared. Don' t know why or what triggered it. It was a nice manic episode.

Today, I've been making cutting motions on my wrist with a pencil constantly. I'm mad. It's the kind of mad that causes a tight chest and a hateful spin on every word, the kind that makes you paranoid and spiteful and pessimistic and too-honest. Honestly.

I weighed 5ilbs less today and I did yesterday. No idea why. I binged last night.

In Bio, I day dreamed about getting hit by a van.

In Social, I wondered what it would be like to live in the Matrix (we were talking about Neo-Conservatism, and I got thinking about Neo, then the Matrix... it's related I swear) and be used for a battery until sucked dry and composted.

Something is very, very wrong with me.

{edit: Border-line bi-polar. Ha! What a silly thing to say. I was really angry all day - and I still am. No idea why. I'm a little crazy right now though. I just re-read this and started laughing at my own melodramatic (albeit truthful) account of my day.

Feelin' a little pathetic fallacy goin' on right now. For those of you who aren't english nerds, that means the personification of weather to reflect mood. There is a violent, 60km/hr wind outside right now. I walked home in it. It whipped my hair around, pushed me sideways. It felt just as angry as I was.

Yippee. Also, updated photo of moi. No, you get no body shots - I wouldn't want to cause nightmares.}

Hey, sorry for the absence.

A few things happened on Friday that led to my not-posting over the weekend. Firstly, rehearsal was a gong show - there is so much drama and hate and anger floating around. Couples breaking up, couples cheating, bitch fights, rumours, director-hate, lack of optimisim and general anger with everyone else. Of course, this is what I love about drama - I don't have TIME or ENERGY to sulk about my own issues! I have to stop bitch one from killing bitch two when they're supposed to be on stage! :)

Anyways, post rehearsal I walked to work with C. who was obviously a little sad but he didn't want to talk about it so we just chatted about random things. I love spending time and reminiscing with him (and no, I do not have a thing for him. We're just bffs... and he's gay). So, 4hrs of work was actually really nice. Not because it wasn't busy (it was) or because I was too busy (I was) or because managers weren't on a hissy fit (they were), but because I felt like I finally fit in with the other employees.

We were chatting and making hangout, talking about random things, making jokes, finding stickers... all while being productive. I have pretty much felt like an outsider until now. Don't know why exactly... I mesh better with older people usually. But, finally, I felt like I could mesh with my peers. It was nice.

Then, during clean up, I was talking to the guy who's been consta-flirting with me at work but hasn't acted on it and I asked him how it was goin'. Instead of being negative or whining (like me) he just said, "I'm trying to smile more." Awww.

He got me thinking about just TRYING to be happy instead of waiting for a reason to be happy to come along. In that chipper mood, I got home, carpet was done and nice, I rearanged my room, burnt some insense and worked. I worked on homework for 6hrs. Happily. Willingly. It was SO weird.

Saturday was much the same at work and home.

Sunday was my rest/ be a little productive day.

Now, it's OK. It's going OK, rather. I still don't have a reason to be genuinely smiling or not stressed or not freaking out about my weight (holy mother of god, I'm still holding 145 even though I've been eatting like a pig. Granted, its all blubbah - my legs are freakin' MASSIVE). But, for some reason, I'm not.

"Just trying to smile more." Damn him. He has no idea.

Hope all is well. Sorry for lack of pictures. D=

Has a heart; a heart that hurts

My chest is so tight right now; today was a decently OK day, until home. In fact, the home-life has been so maddening and scary over the last few days.

We're getting carpet tomorrow. I found out Monday - only a WEE bit late to rearrange my schedule of 2meetings on Monday, 2 meetings on Tuesday, a full day of a birthday party and a volunteer activity Wednesday, work tonight for 6hrs after 8hrs of school, work tomorrow and Saturday.

So, OBVIOUSLY, it's my fault that I haven't been home to move things out of the basement. OBVIOUSLY, due to that fact, I am an extreme disappointment to my family. OBVIOUSLY, this lack of initiative to entirely spend 12hrs emptying out my room on short notice demonstrates my disrespect for my parents (admittedly only my father) and my screwed up priorities.

When you spend all day thinking about a friend who's losing their mom, about how this is going to be your last Christmas at home, about how you have to lie to your teachers in order to get extensions on assignments because, when you do have time to stop and do homework, all you want to do is eat junk food or die... the best way to be greeted is: "I'm disappointed in you - I had to work all day then come home and empty your room. And then I work tomorrow for 8hrs an have to come home to handle the carpet. Why can't you help more. I can't believe you've been so inconsiderate."

Know what? I'm disappointed in myself, my priorities are screwed. My only comfort is being so busy I don't have time to think or feel. But... I'm not busy with things like school work, because it reminds me of how close I am to leaving. It's like admitting time is passing - or something. So... when I boil it down to having homework time, I just cry. And cry. And go online. And read. And cry. And post. And cry.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

I just wish it didn't hurt everyone so much. I wish I could be repairing my relationships with people - not watching and helping them disintegrate.

Another friend just had a fight with her mom... and is drowning her problems with rum. I wish I could be like her. To control the numb with alcohol - like I've done so many time.

One problem: too many calories in alcohol.

I don't even know where to start with the last 24hrs - it has been so up and down.

In hindsight, it was a good day. Going through it... that is not what it felt like. I was so worried about C. and I was fighting with my parents (apparently me having meetings and working is now an issue because they "miss me". I call bullshit, they need me to help finish the basement and I'm the only damn person in the house they can trust to do it when they aren't home. Guess what? I'M BUSY and you can't rely on me for every god damned thing. No, you know what? I don't want to hug you. I'm mad at you, I don't consider you my father, I don't respect you, I'm not comfortable with hugging you and, hey, you comment on my size every time you do hug me. So, obviously I don't have any reason why I DON'T WANT YOU TO HUG ME. And, you know, I would LOVE to come to the memorial with you tomorrow, but I have 2 essays, a project, a birthday party and a meeting tomorrow. Sorry I have a life, grades to maintain and friends. FUCK. /rant.)

The Remembrance Day assembly appeared to go swimmingly, but I made several rather large mistakes such as skipping over a performance, pronouncing "Reveille" as "reptile" (apparently) and saying "amphibian" instead of "amphibious" vehicles. I know no one noticed, but my heart was racing all day from the embarrassment and the anxiety that someone else DID notice. At least, unlike previous years, I felt decently OK in my outfit and remembered to not wear high heels as that is ALL you can hear in the echoy gym.

Meetings and the rest of the school day went fine. I was exhausted as I waited for a few friends to go to yet another meeting after school downtown. I don't know if I blogged this, but last Sunday I went out to dinner with some old hommies. J, one of my buds from Gr. 6 (yeah, we're cool), was making fun of my "drinking problems". No one else in the group drinks at all - and I don't either really, they were referring to a rather hilarious facebook message with far, far too many text slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs.) He then proceeded to ask if I drank beer. I don't. He laughed and said, "Oh! that's good - cause you gotta watch your figure you know."

On one hand, I know he's kidding. He also was under the impression I was planning to do more modelling and he's someone who would apply that knowledge in conversation. So, I get that.

I blew it off, but secretely mulled over it for hours that night - did he really mean it? Is it that obvious? Blah, blah. ANYWAYS, he made the comment again when I refused CurlyFries post-meeting. I was tired, pissed, worried and anxious from the meeting and the idea of going home to mad parents so I kind of blew up at him. By "blew up" I mean telling him to stop or I would kick him in the shins, refusing to talk to him on the way home and ignoring his "Lol, did I make you mad?" texts. Super mature, I know.

Whatever. I'm not actually mad at him. It just brings back this whole thing... I forget about it when I'm around that group because they've known me for so long.

Anyways - as suspected - angry faces awaited me when I got home. Disappointed tones, guilt-tripping compliments and the dreaded "Don't you love _____(your father/me/your family)?" question. It was wonderful.

I escaped to my room with every intention to at least do homework or clean. I didn't. Imagine that.

Wow. And here I thought I had nothing to say about today. Intake approx: 1800 prob. So, not great at all. Kind of avoided conversation by eating at dinner - always having a full mouth... I know I'm being immature about everything right now. It just seems that everything is happening at once... I can't slow down and process it. Everything seems to be working against me and what I need to happen in my life.

I've had about 6hrs of sleep over the last 3-ish days. Hopefully, I can sleep a little longer tonight. It's probably part of my problem.

Much loves <3

Terminal Cancer

First of all, foriegnobject you are amazing. I smile everytime I see that you've commented, and you're right - high school boys suck haha.

Today was, overall, not very good. I woke up extremely depressed from last night. Same old, same old. Then, somehow, I spread out a blanket and did a few measly sit ups - but more than I have done in a very long time. I still felt big and jiggly, but stronger. I ate pretty decently today compared to the last few days of binging on anything and everything. No, scratch that. I ate really well - probably about 1300-1400. So, normal.

Goods otherwise: I'm at a 91% in Bio - thank jesus. 90s are so comforting (Then again, I have a quiz tomorrow that I couldn't bring myself to study for [see bads].) I went to the gym and actually ran my first mile!!! Did some other cardio and stretched. Did most of my homework and got ready for tomorrow - I am MCing my school's Remembrance Day Assembly. I really don't mind public speaking, especially MCing. None cares about you, right?

Bads: Felt self-concious, guilty, hateful and ugly all day. Its rare for me to walk around looking at people's feet... I saw some nice shoes today. Then, at lunch, the bombshell hit. One of my good friends, someone who I feel I'm getting closer and closer to, someone I've been through a lot with told me his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

He's taking it pretty lightly right now - buying her a card and chocolate, even though the chemo is making her too sick to drink water. But... when he told me, I know my face and eyes just crumbled and I looked so pathetic- every memory of my grandfather whom I lost 2 years ago to cancer came rushing back - and I caught the eye of another actor who just gave me the biggest hug. Why!? C. is the one who's mom is dying!

I know he's not ok with it, rather, that he's not dealing with it because he didn't tell me right away. Nor did he tell me what kind of cancer or how long she has. He's had drug problems before, and I just want to make sure he's ok... but wow. My heart was tight all day. When I was running, all I was thinking was - He doesn't deserve this... this is going to kill him... this is his gr. 12 year! Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm so stupid - how can I be unhappy and depressed when shit like this is going down?! He doesn't deserve this...

It's true, my own depression is unneeded.

Anyways, writing that got me really sad. I have to stop and breathe. Meditate a while. Study. Sleep.

Hate.

I just spent about 2hrs going through almost every possible outfit for tomorrow... there isn't even anything special going on. I just had SUCH a good weekend, I want to go back and look... refreshed and rejuvenated and ready.

Nothing fits right anymore. It doesn't look right. I meant to come on and talk about my inspiring weekend, how I think I now have a career path and a new direction for this week, this month, this year.

Instead, I came home and the inspired activity died... died... died.

I look pregnant.

It's not even ED. My own mother commented on my appearance. My weight is ok - 143. Pretty low on my 140-150 scale. Except where I used to be muscular, I'm fat. I haven't had a stomach for years. It brings back so many painful memories.

I'm now up 3 hrs past my bed time. My room is trashed. I've lost motivation. And I want nothing else than to either dive into chocolate, food and greasy carbs or to fast for weeks upon weeks. I could fast tomorrow. I want to. But that's no good anymore.

Hopefully, I'll have the strength to actually talk about life not my own stupidity - I allowed this to happen. I need to change everything. I just don't know if I can.

Know what I need? A relationship. Something to constantly motivate me to look good, care about others instead of focusing constantly on myself... someone to reassure me when all I can think is - " Wow, I can't believe I ever thought I could succeed. I'm so delusional. " Someone to hug me out of support, not pity or sympathy or moral pressure or a joke. Someone I look forward to seeing, who I can smile for. That's all I want. Support that comes from affection and attraction and genuine concern, not just blind friendships or obligated bloodlines.

But no one would do that. No one will be that. No one ever will. No one ever has.

Is it too much to ask?

Heaven help me for the way I am

I'm the worst blogger on earth... haha. Ana's Girl, I hope you know how much your comments mean to me - even if I never actually follow your wonderful advice.

I was intent on fasting today. Got about half way through, and wasn't even hungry, just anxious and tired and careless. It started out ok - a Luna bar w/ water. Then, I had soup. And pears, later. And then chocolate. Yes, that's right. Halloween is the bane of my existance.

That's such a lie.

I feel bad writing here because I feel myself drawing out of the ED world and fantasising. Maybe it's because I've gained so much and I am moving from the rawr-rawr-I-hate-life stage of depression to the fuck-this-nothing-matters stage. I don't know. I'm on a rush from productivity right now.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but it probably won't considering the day starts off with a panic-attack waiting to happen. I can't focus in school anymore - let alone stay awake. I know it's because I'm not exercising anymore. I just don't care, nor do I see the point.

What a vicious, stupid cycle.

I can look back and say that. But, when the moment of decision between getting off two stops early or doing situps while watching Tv... I just say no.

Anyways. You won't hear from me until Sunday as I am going to a Youth Retreat through World Vision. Kind of seriously stoked. Half for the fact that i'm going, the people and the theme (Africa!). The other half is, admittedly, the fact that it's regulated food intake and we're hiking and doing outdoor activities.

Maybe ED isn't gone out my system entirely yet.

Loves <3

Same old, same old.

Apple and Orange

I've been listening to Fionna Apple constantly. Her videos are so triggering to me for some reason, yet her lyrics are comforting.

I'm exhausted from school and work and drama and douchebags. One of my friends brothers nearly beat her to unconciousness last night. So, now, I'm scared for her and for two of my guy friends who are protecting her. Two other friends are going at it for who knows whatever reasons.

Weight is still too high, I feel even worse because of mother nature's monthly "LOL".

I shit you not, people hate me now. I don't know why. I get looks, snide comments. It's pissing me off. I have to stop turning to the razor. Maybe it's time to turn to something else.

Beaten with Bitter Lies

So, it's a week later.

What happened, eh?

Well, long story short: I got worse. Binge/starving cycle continue, I got even more depressed, I cut a few more times (even though I knew it no longer helped), I really started hating myself. I, essentially, got really low... lower than I have been in a very, very, very long time. Thursday night... well, really all Thursday... I was about to burst. I swung from anger to being on the verge of tears to actually calling a helpline ( I hung up though) to seriously considering a pile of Advil.

Thankfully (I guess?) my mom, who I hadn't seen or talked to really in the last week because she'd been working crazy hours, came downstairs and had a chat with me. She'd been having the whole mothers-connection-pain from me. She caught me crying. It was really really hard to not yell and scream and tell her about this blog and everything I've said on here or about cutting or my suicidal thoughts.

I did tell her things though. How I didn't care anymore, how I felt fat (she knew I have been popping pills for a while, and that the 40ilb weight loss last year wasn't a phase), how lonely I was. She concluded: I was depressed. Hurrah. Quote, un quote: Not enough to be clinical, mind you, but between hormones and stress... you're depressed.

If only she knew the true story. Ugh. It makes me feel even more guilty that she thinks she knows it all and she's saddened by only that. Then again, now I feel like maybe I'm not depressed. Maybe I'm over reacting and being a baby. Maybe it's a subconscious attention grab.

Anyways. I felt great on Friday after crying it out. And partying sans alcohol. And eating without guilt.

Saturday I worked for 9hrs, then I went partying avec alcohol, strobe lights and weed. I didn't smoke, but there was certainly enough in the air. Strobe light didn't help. I danced and ate and drank withoutguilt, without inhibition. I laughed and joked and flirted and grinded like a normal, hot teenager in a semi-skanky costume on Halloween.

This is what I want for all my Gr.12 events. I want something to remember.

Anyways, off topic. I had a good weekend.

Until Sunday. LONGER story short - friends suck. Especially immature girls. Boys who are friends rule. I love being the "normal teenager" in my closest group.

Now, I'm back to where I was. Semi-depressed, unmotivated, tired, hating. Got a 91% on my latest quiz in Social. Doesn't matter anymore.

I've also gained.

Surprise sur-fucking-prise.

Today, I

Today, I thought I could be strong.

I woke up, showered, and sat back in my bed, wishing the day -school - to go away. I watched an episode of Dollhouse and dressed in 5minutes. I had to go.

I held a razor to my wrist, shaking, then scoffed at my own stupidity. They would see it there. My bloated, fat stomach was my canvas.

I didn't eat breakfast, or lunch. I wasn't hungry. I was energetic due to my new green tea pills. I had a good day at school, despite blood seeping through my thin tank top. I drank only water.

Today, I felt strong.

I stayed to paint sets, then went shopping for halloween costumes and ranted with a girlfriend about my weekend. The 3 days that destroyed my thighs, my esteem and my outlook.

I came home and was amazed with myself. Wouldn't it be the best if I could eat something small, low cal and walk away? The ultimate display of strength and control; to restrict.

I binged for 3hours.

Today, I lied to myself.

Today, I realized that I need to pick a side and not wait for my numbness to fade.

Today... I carried a razor with me in my pocket...in class...with friends...while talking to my principal. A secret. A weapon. A lie.

Today, I need to forget.

STOP

Woke up.

Ate and ate and ate and ate.

Walked to work (-100)

Worked, bought new fat-pills, drank only water (-800, apparently [I don't trust it])

Come home.

Ate. Ate. Ate. Ate.

I will stop eating.

I will stop eating.

I will stop eating.

Lies

If I'm not 200ilbs tomorrow, I will beyond surprised.

I can't... I hate feeling weak. That is how I feel. Constantly. When I eat, I am weak. When I don't eat, I am physically weak.

I'm realizing I haven't cut in almost a month. Maybe... maybe that is what I need. Maybe I'm not feeling anything. Maybe I'm so numb, I'm ignoring my own numbness. Maybe I'm too stupid, irrational and immature to have... to get what I think I want.

The walls close in around me, and I wish for little more than a little - just a little! - beauty from this pain.

My hope is fading, though. I fear, above all, this weakness.

Tears and blood and chocolate and pills can't help this now. I wish I could let it all go. Become who I want to be, regardless of how much it would hurt myself and others. Or, alternatively, become the exact opposite of what I want to be - give up. Regardless.

I need inspiration.

I need something to tell me - Clean your room, or else. Study, or else. Write that scholarship, or else. It should be me. But it's not.

/stupid. stupid. stupid/
/fat. fat. fat /
/worthless. worthless. worthless/
/liar./

Find Me Somebody to Love

Hey all :) Firstly, I haven't thanked my commenters and readers in ever. We all know how much comments/followers mean. You guys help me out so much. <3

The day went OK overall. I got my interm report card, average is 87. I was disappointed, but I feel myself picking up speed in school so I'm hoping that's a low estimate. Throughout the day I went through the usual rollercoaster of hate vs ____(whatever this is), frustration vs calmness, happy and depressed.

I kept intake under 1,300 - which is good in general, but not so good in that I wanted to keep it under 500 and I packed 300 worth of food for the day. I can't even really explain why I bought more food, or why I came home and had leftovers even after I spent my entire shift beating myself up for buying 3timbits and a 70-cal soup. Part of it, I think, was that half way through the day (only 50cals of pomegranate , YUM) I was walking up the stairs to grab a notebook and I nearly passed out.

How pathetic is that? One day of deficiency, exercise and will-power and my body revolts. My vision blurred, my legs seized, my heart was pounding. Ugh. I was so disgusted by that. But, at the same time, I knew I had so-so many hours left to my day - so I ate my "lunch" to up the blood sugar a bit. There, I think, is where I lost it.

Tomorrow I work 8hrs, then I was supposed to go to a birthday party. The party would constitute a night of rollerblading, pizza, cheesecake and the birthday girl's favorite - creampuffs. I had every intention to go. Before I knew it, I had texted her and said I couldn't come due to homework and the fact that I work all weekend. This is all true, but... socialize vs, well, gym and library? Right now... I'm choosing the gym.

Yesterday I ran .5miles (after 35mins on elliptical). Ok, wow, right? /sarcasm. Most of you can go for like 10miles. I can not... YET. I want to, by Christmas, be able to run 5miles. I have big plans for cleaning, studying, working out, restricting and permitting all weekend. Next weekend is halloween (two parties!) and more work, so this is a weekend to myself.

Speaking of which, any genius not-to-tight-but-hot halloween costume ideas?

{p.s I'm reading Wintergirls right now. I was, a few months ago, 84th on the holds list for the entire city. The 84th person identifying with this book. makes me feel less alone. I'm going to write a little support sticky when I send it back to the library. It's a thinspo book - we know where it's going ;) }

Deficiant

I did really good today. The long and short in/out is :

1 Lg Coffee - Approx 100cals (it was mostly black coffee, but a little french vanilla cappuccino. Vast over-estimation, but better safe then sorry).
Granola bar- 130cals
Veggie soup - 150cals
1 small chicken thigh - 70ish cals
=450 cals.

30mins elliptical (-) 300cals
20mins treadmill (-) 100cals
30mins walk (-) 150cals
15mins weights + stretching - don't count.
=550 cals

Deficient = 100ish.

That's so epically happy making. Maybe it's just the endorphins from exercise. I'm exhausted now, though. Feeling a little better about life in general... now. Again, I'm blaming the endorphins which is both good and bad. I know the happiness and careless pep is all false hormones. It's not how I really feel.

I'm sorry this is so incoherent, I can't even keep my eyes open right now. Didn't clean or do homework... I did work out and restrict. I guess a neutral day? Wow, my mind is so gone! Thank GOD tomorrow is Friday.

Mom is going on a rage, I think she's out of her happy pills. Ugh, I'm so beyond caring right now. So beyond it.

Suicide Notes

It's been a rough few days. Yesterday, actually, went really really well as far as the eating and exercise is concerned. Probably ate about 600 cals, max, and really restricted nicely on what I ate. But, then again, I napped from 4-6:30, then got up, stared a the cieling, talked about depression with a friend, then slept from 8:00-6:30am this morning. I woke up feeling... really good! Invigorated, ready, motivated... a way I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

It didn't last long though. I started thinking - about what, I honestly couldn't tell you - but I stepped out of the shower and just thought to myself, Why bother? Why bother getting dressed, eating or not eating, worrying about homework, bringing a camera for the field trip or looking good for the volunteer photoshoot? To what point or purpose will the effort I put in right now, this very morning, matter in the long run?

So, I had a big breakfast, caring less than a tiger cares about a beaver, and did a 50% effort on making myself look decent. Then... at school (in Bio, rather, as it was my only class) a Teacher Appreciation cart came around and my bio teacher, god love him, picked off several cookies for those passing the class with about a 70% (i'm at 93%). The cookies were MASSIVE and coated with buttery icing. Everything in me screamed, "NO, FATTY!" but I still ate it graciously, joking even about how it was all going to my thighs. Truth hurts.

My english AP class took a field trip to see 7 Stories for the rest of the day. It was basically an absurd one-act play about a man standing on a ledge on the 7th floor contemplating suicide. The first 2/3 were comedic in nature... the play was a comedy after all... but the last bit was very poignant. It was one of those times where you could totally tell who in the audience had experienced suicide or suicidal thoughts and who hadn't. Some laughed when the Man explained his seemingly delusional issues with his monotonous life, and how is mood had been provoked by an epitome he had in his sleep about the worthlessness of life. Funny? Don't think so.

Worst part was... I couldn't keep my eyes open. Albeit, it wasn't a visually dynamic play, I still felt bad having to listen to 80% of it. I am so exhausted, even though I slept for so long. I know, when you over sleep you react like this... For some reason, even with something as natural as sleeping, I can't seem to find a balance.

After the play, we went for lunch. I have been skipping lunch for the past...3 weeks?... dreded the thought of being forced to sit down and eat, especially because my ever-perceptive English teacher was right there (she's always noticed when I'm at my lowest, even when my friends haven't the slightest clue). So, I made myself a lovely, 120cal spinach/carrot salad which I ate happily in the corner of A&W. Ok, so, that kind of makes up for the cookie and breakfast right? Wrong.

We spent the lunch talking first about symbolism, then about suicide, then about calories and fat and food! I swear, every girl in my class can eat however much god damn food she wants and never gain weight. Oh! I just HAVE to eat something every hour, or else I faint! Oh, snap! I just had a burger, but that poutine looks sooo good! I'm going to order one! HAHA wow, these fries are delicious. Anyone want some fudge? Fuck yooou. Im sorry, it's pure jealousy...

Anyways, for some reason, after that I got really upset. I have a meeting soon downtown anyways, so I was allowed to abandon the group and go to the library instead of backtracking. That is where I am writing this, it is also why I am going on so long, I apologize. I walked in to the library and BAM starbucks. It wasn't until I was up on the computer, brownie in hand and half eatten, that I even realised I really had it. Ugh, stupid stupid stupid. Good bye 140ilbs. I'm supposed to meet friends for a pre-meeting dinner too, then go home to actual dinner (which is where my mom is watching me like a freakin' hawk).

I found this book called "Suicide Notes" by Michael Thomas Ford in the YA section while I was waiting. The theme is pronounced today, isn't it? This passage is exactly how I am feeling: "...but my mind was racing racing racing. Only I wasn't thinking about anything in specific. It was just this stream of words and half thoughts, like there were a thousand different channels in my brain and someone was flicking through them all." Again, another grey area. I can't focus, I'm always tired, yet I'm constantly thinking and organizing and resting.

I was talking last night, as I said, with a friend who is going through a low-moment in his clinical depression. He was talking about how is weight and appereance had deprived him of many points of teenage-hood that made it worth the trouble. I didn't know what to say. "Oh, I totally know what you mean!" ? No. Of course not. That is where I draw a line. I guess it's why I have such an issue with my own "depression" or "eating disorder" or whatever you want to call it - my angst. I have no reason. He is diabetic and has major eczema scales all over. He isn't fat and flaking due to choice, it's his DNA. People can see that. People shy from that. I, however, have no such visible problem. I'm great at putting on the mask everyone wants to see. So, why have I never been kissed, or even hugged out of affection from a guy my age? Why have only women taken a liking to me? Why does everyone forget I am there? Why do people make excuses so they don't have to be around me?

Sorry for the rant - I have to go meet people for my... 4th meal of the day. Lovely. I'm so going to the gym tomorrow.

Touch 'n feel

Hey guys. Lots to catch up on. I can't excuse my failure to post. My only excuse is my new picture store from a recent photowalk :) Enjoy!

So, firstly, on Sunday I was supposed to meet Ata (cute boy) for coffee. He didn't show. At first, I was hurt, then I didn't care. Story of my life, right? Then, I, somehow, mustered the logic to think and realise he isn't the kind of person to just ditch - he's never late for work, nor does he leave early or take extra long breaks. Turns out his parents thought he had H1N1 so he was in a clinic all day. He's fine, but he didn't have his phone. So, there is still promise there - maybe. I'm trying not to hang to many hopes on it because it's so unknown and I'm so easily crushed.

I've started restricting again - both without noticing and purposefully. I'm down to just under 140 me thinks, which is good, but I feel really fat still because I've been sedentary for months. I'd even be ok gaining a few if it meant losing a few inches off the thighs and tummy (which it will). I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow, and hopefully Thursday, Sat, and Sun. We'll see, but I'm really feeling the need to look good.

I'm pretty sure the kick has to do with the fact that I am actually fat now. It isn't just delusions or obsessions or imperfections - I am fatty. It helps - as crazy as it sounds. You can say you're on a diet and people don't look twice. It's a relief.

Not doing any better on the homework/getting things done front. Pulled an all nighter last night to finish an assignment, and I'm suspecting I will lie to my teacher tomorrow and do an assignment during my spare even though it's due in class. Oh well. I'm not proud, but it doesn't raise my heart rate to lie. Which is pathetic, I know.

One of the pros of my day: I went in to paint sets for the first time all year. I'd forgotten how much I missed my fellow theatre geeks and their crazy attitude and carelessness. Needless to say, I came home contently covered in black paint!

I promise I'll have something more interesting to talk about tomorrow. For now, stay strong all <3

Depression

I had a party to go to tonight. Things to do. Homework to finish. Applications to do. Things to clean. Weight to lose.

But I didn't.

Fuck.

Haze

Hey guys,

So, sorry I haven't been updating. I've been... avoiding the computer. I don't know why, but I've just been coming home, turning off my ipod, my cellphone and lazing in front of the tv or walking. Exciting right? I'm trying to re-enter the world of the living, so bear with me.

Anyways, fasting yesterday failed. Not because I lost control but because my body decided to hate me. I swear to god, once it hit lunch time (I can skip breakfast easy peasy) my body went: "WTF BITCH FEED ME RAWR" and I experienced... like menstrual cramps, but 1000x worse and through my entire torso. I don't EVER react in public to physical pain. I was almost crying. Anyways, after a struggled-through meeting I went home and contemplated, had a hot shower, downed advil then decided, you know what, obviously this isn't right right now. So, c'est la vie, I'll try again soon.

Yesterday was also bad simply because it was, you know, first day back after a long weekend. I was totally in a haze and all the sudden everything seemed to be due and new and entirely incomprehensible.

I did, however, have a good day today. Ironically enough, it started off being so good because it was a rare foggy day (weather wise)! I love fog. Anyways. Eating was normal, I was feeling faint and dizzy in Social right before lunch and decided I'd buy a turkey wrap (ate only half) to keep the blood sugar pumping. On the plus side, I made this massive pot of low cal turkey veggie soup that I will sustain myself on for at least tomorrow - YAY! Haven't weighed today, I woke up late and had to rush out.

Um... what else? OH, cute boy at work asked me to "chill" this weekend. We're not sure what that means, but... eh. I don't know him really, but he seems nice and interesting... and he's pretty. I think one of the things he's said to me, one of the things I really remember, is we were talking about celebs and their obsession with plastic surgery and diet (LOL, awkward much) and he just looked at me and said, "No one is perfect, right? It's boring if they are."

So... we can see where my inner conflict with him is. We'll just see I guess.... exciting though. I have to stop myself from expecting too much though...

OH - in other actually related news - 3times a year my parents do the Wild Rose Herbal Cleanse and I've gone along with them as support (cheating often, but SH). Thier post-Thanksgiving one is starting soon and I'm old enough, not only to take the pills/meds, but to have the will power to stick to the diet... This might be what I need to get in control again. Not to mention the fact that my parents will be approving... I won't have to pop pills behind their backs or scrape the potato of my plate while they aren't looking or chew-and-spit pizza. Kind of excited, apparently because the meds act as natural diuretics/lazatives (that's the CLEANSE part) there is virtually no way to not lose weight. It's a two week program.

Stoked.

For all the wrong reasons D=

[EDIT] I just realised how often I switched between "I" and "we" this post... developing multiple personality disorder maybe? Fun. Oi.

Gaining motivation

Ever had one of those days where you wake up totally exhausted, but jittery to get things done? That's me right now. I think it was because I dreamed of school and homework and university...

I don't have much interesting to say here, besides the fact that yesterday I was down at 140 again - which is good, even though I don't feel like 140, it was a happy moment. I've started exercising again, thank god.

I was actually pretty dang proud of myself yesterday. Calorie intake was at normal human being level, but I didn't binge once, nor did I go all-out on Turkey and Thanksgiving carbs. Even avoided the awful cheese sauce :)

Next step, Halloween. oh god.

So, now, I am going to start the mountain of homework I haven't touched in my 4 days off. It should be... interesting. I'm also going shopping today, which will be frightening because I certainly don't feel my prime. Maybe I'll focus on shoes. [EDIT - Avoided shopping due to post-nekkid viewing of myself induced panic attack. Yay. More time for homework. ]

Anyways, hope everyone has a good Tuesday. I'm considering fasting tomorrow... anyone want to join me?

Anchor

I check everyone's blogs every day.
I can't blog myself because I haven't made any progress. Even I am tired of typing the same things: I need to get in control, I binged, I feel like shit.
I'm tired of typing "I'm tired of this".
I'm tired of typing "I wish".

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
I'll go through 3 stages:
1) Being pissed of at all the food and having to sit down and eat it with the family I can't stand.
2) Not caring.
3) Hating.

Or it'll be different.
Who knows.