Thursday, November 12, 2009

Has a heart; a heart that hurts

My chest is so tight right now; today was a decently OK day, until home. In fact, the home-life has been so maddening and scary over the last few days.

We're getting carpet tomorrow. I found out Monday - only a WEE bit late to rearrange my schedule of 2meetings on Monday, 2 meetings on Tuesday, a full day of a birthday party and a volunteer activity Wednesday, work tonight for 6hrs after 8hrs of school, work tomorrow and Saturday.

So, OBVIOUSLY, it's my fault that I haven't been home to move things out of the basement. OBVIOUSLY, due to that fact, I am an extreme disappointment to my family. OBVIOUSLY, this lack of initiative to entirely spend 12hrs emptying out my room on short notice demonstrates my disrespect for my parents (admittedly only my father) and my screwed up priorities.

When you spend all day thinking about a friend who's losing their mom, about how this is going to be your last Christmas at home, about how you have to lie to your teachers in order to get extensions on assignments because, when you do have time to stop and do homework, all you want to do is eat junk food or die... the best way to be greeted is: "I'm disappointed in you - I had to work all day then come home and empty your room. And then I work tomorrow for 8hrs an have to come home to handle the carpet. Why can't you help more. I can't believe you've been so inconsiderate."

Know what? I'm disappointed in myself, my priorities are screwed. My only comfort is being so busy I don't have time to think or feel. But... I'm not busy with things like school work, because it reminds me of how close I am to leaving. It's like admitting time is passing - or something. So... when I boil it down to having homework time, I just cry. And cry. And go online. And read. And cry. And post. And cry.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

I just wish it didn't hurt everyone so much. I wish I could be repairing my relationships with people - not watching and helping them disintegrate.

Another friend just had a fight with her mom... and is drowning her problems with rum. I wish I could be like her. To control the numb with alcohol - like I've done so many time.

One problem: too many calories in alcohol.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your situation at home sucks so much. You already know that your parents are wrong to expect so much from you, but that doesn't do a hell of a lot of good when they don't. But moving out helps. I barely spoke to my mom for I don't know how many years ... seven? Ten? All we did was keep secrets and yell at each other. But when I finally found an apartment and moved out, something changed. I think it was the knowledge that it was going to end. That we we're not going to be forced upon wach other anymore.

I have an awesome relationship with my parents now. It's not perfect, but we're pretty close and I don't resent them. Something about being able to walk away and choose not to participate in their pettiness changes everything.

Hold on. I moved out almost the minute I turned 18, but I don't know if that's an option for you. I get the feeling that a lot of things are more expensive in the US than where I live. Just know that things are not always going to be like this. One day you will have the option of simply walking away.

Lotsa hugs.

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