Saturday, May 22, 2010

95 vs 67.

Though I'm not sure if this is going to help, I really really need to rant at something right now. I am sorry I worried anyone with my last post, though in truth, when re-reading, it's kind of scary to me. I've been trying to abstain from this blog simply because I know it triggers me in some way. Not in a "omg-I''m-blogging-better-go-restrict-nao!" way but in a "jesus-christ-this-is-pathetic" kind of way... and then the thought process starts and KAPOW. Here I am.

Anyways, love you guys long time (anyone who still reads this).

I'm graduating in 4 days from high school with, for the first time in my life, a group of friends that actually know me a little bit, with whom I've exchanged secrets and shared scandals. I have this flippin' gorgeous dress that I feel wonderful in and a real after-grad plan. I'm accepted into university. Everything is falling into place, and yet I feel... underwhelmed? Honestly, I don't really feel much despite the fact that I'm almost done public education and that I'm moving thousands of miles away come September. It's not the lack of excitement/sadness that's truely bugging me, I guess it's just the fact that the numbness is STILL here.

Back in March when I made the resolution to "get better" (from what or why, don't ask me), my biggest goal was not to stop hating myself or to stop obsessing over my body, but to just FEEL and try to be in the moment. So far, I've stopped obsessing... well that's not even true. I haven't really changed, it's all still there, I just deal a little better and ignore it a little more. Truly, it helps. I weigh myself and measure often, but there are not ensuing panic attacks or gym trips and, vis versa, no huge binges. But... it's so frustrating because I feel like I've made this huge effort to turn myself around emotionally and yet nothing really has changed.

Moreover, the whole "not being depressed" goal has seriously affected my marks/reputation - hilariously enough. It's hard to explain, but I think that I've come to the conclusion that ever since I was little school and grades were my way of getting attention, then in Jr High they were my way of coping with bullies (ha! I'm smarter than thou), then in High School I could either study or exercise or cut ( I love this progression ). Now, I have no reason to do homework because I'm no longer seeking my family/my teacher's /the intelligent elites' attentions - cause I have decent friends!

I can not find any motivation to do anything. My grades are PLUNGING (like 60s) and I couldn't give a rats ass. AS per usual, there is no gray area with me. I have no idea what to do because I certainly don't want 90-95-90-92-67-72 as my grades for my last year of high school. Despite that... Part of me (and this is where I go back to the whole "i'm so worthless" thought cycle) thinks I'm just plain being lazy. Part of me thinks it's justified...ish. But by saying it's justified, it means I was actually... I don't know. I'm having a hard time - even with the blog-posts and the scars to prove it - believing I was depressed/ill.

And what the hell can I do about it now? Very little. By not being depressed, I have academically screwed my grade 12 year over. Ugh. UGH!

I'm exhausted of myself. My family is killing me (my dad doesn't have my grad day off, soooo typical) and I just can't even LOOK at university stuff. Maybe I'm just scared and all of this is a ploy to justify fear. I don't know. I need to go talk to the school counselor or something. Maybe that would help.

LOL as if I would go. <3
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration