Relief

I have been avoiding this blog (it doesn't seem like it, but I have) because I've been a very, very naughty girl. If I get away from the kitchen, or from the stores or coffee shops, for a few hours - it is a god send.

I'm pretty ashamed, and I can't even imagine what it is going to be like once christmas shit actually starts rolling around. I feel myself slipping back into the darkness of constant, hypocritical, unproductive perfectionism. At work today it was all I could do to not stare at customers' skinny legs or flat stomachs or tiny waists - so I went to Burger King. It's stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm having a half-fast, uber controlled day tomorrow. It's planned out to the 15minute mark. Parents are not home, so nothing can screw me up.

And -if something does - I have a plan B, C, and D.

On another note, I got my acceptance letter to my back-up university. I got is a few days ago, and I didn't tell anyone. I don't know why, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to bring it up. Am I scared of how close it is? Am I worried about the commitment I need to make? Do I refuse to recognize it because I don't want to?

I don't know.

But, for some reason, I came home from work today and brought it up to my parents - acting like I just got it today. And... it was a weight off my shoulders. I AM going to university. I AM. I don't have to worry about not getting in or not having the grades or the money - I am going.

So, why did I hide it for 5 days?

Happy Christmas everyone, enjoy what you can. :)

P.S Holding at 140. As per usual.

Ah! Foiled by a welcome sandwhich!

I woke up mad about my binge last night (it really wasn't awful, but it was a loss of control - and that's what really gets me). So, I decided I'd fast today, only water. Interestingly enough, with my brothers not here, my mother isn't eating much either so she didn't push a breakfast on me. Then, she fell asleep and assumed I ate lunch before going to my orientation.

The short-and-sweet version is that the orientation went great. Met some great girls, and I feel that nervous flutter of excitement in my stomach, like I want to do a great job and I want to prove to them I can do the job stupendously. They have a Social Committee for employee events and are looking for new members. I am so there. That is my forte!

The one bad thing was that when they let us go for dinner, I got dragged along by the manager who was paying for a "welcome dinner" over at Quiznos. Alarm bells went off, HIGH FAT, HIGH CALORIES, OH SHIT. I didn't even have an excuse or anything! I could have lied and gone off or something, but I didn't want to be left out either. After scrutinizing the menu, weighing what I know of meats, sauces and breads, I chose a small Honey Bourbon Chicken on wheat and thankfully that was their lowest cal and fat sub - at 310cals. I managed to throw out about half of the sauce-side bun too, so I'm sure that got rid of a little.

As for exercise today, I didn't want to do anything too extreme because of the fast but I did go for a 20min walk and then I walked home from work, uphill, which took about 45 mins.

So, not the deficit I was looking for, but it was under 50.

I have to learn to like running. I've come to this conclusion. At Winners, I get a 45min break if I work over 5 hours... to eat. Orrr, I could go for a 20-30min run. It kills my knees to run, but I'd rather that then be tempted to buy something. Even a walk would be ok, I guess.

Might fast tomorrow, but probably not. I want to go to the gym for a few hours - without fainting/vomiting please!