Saturday, November 28, 2009


In grade 10 and 11, though especially 10, I was much more stable in my emotions. I still felt, let's say - because I quantify my own emotions now as the reflection of varying degrees of numbness. I was, because of my relative not-depressed-ness, a control freak. I was, though not clinically, rather Obsessive Compulsive about space, boxes, my appearance, my work, etc.

Among my friends, I earned the title "Robot". At first, I didn't really mind. I knew I was a little control-freak-ish, but I weakly resisted to the label. Mostly, I enjoyed the attentions and even played it up sometimes. Then, as I started to restrict and feel the onset of "teenage angst" (see later for details of this absolutely INFURIATING phrase), the title began to bother me. A lot. I already didn't feel worthy of humanity, I didn't feel like I was worth human contact or love, I didn't want to have to eat to power myself, and I wanted everything to be as perfect as my "programming" could make it. So, when you have a shitty day, and you have a mini-anxiety attack because your desk isn't lined up (it's the only thing you can focus on because your day has been so shitty), then your friends and teacher whisper - "Robot"... it's really, really not what you want to hear.

For a while, I went from weakly protesting, to getting pissed (made it worse because now it signaled my anger issues as well - I was malfunctioning see) at them, to ignoring it, until I finally sat down with the ring-leader and said: "I need this to stop. Now. Or, honestly, I can't be around you anymore." It's one of the few things I ever done to save my own sanity.

So, I wasn't the brunt anymore amongst that group of friends. Well, in that sense any ways. They're all elite gamers and, I, the drama kid, so we but heads a little. But, anyways, point is now I have a new title that I, for some reason, "feel" entirely different about.


How this happened was, long story short, I drunk-messaged them on Halloween. Whatever, right? Except for the fact that none of them ever drink. So, the flavor of the month is to constantly refer to me as an alcoholic. My teachers (two of them) have picked up on it and are doing it too. I'm starting to play along.

Why am I OK with this? Isn't it worse?

Well, no. If I'm an alcoholic, it means I'm a little-bit-more normal. It's terrible, but true. I party. I have those friends. I'm having those experiences. Plus, honestly, I want to get trashed. I crave it. It, somehow, makes the numbness go away. I sound, I think, I pretty much am I budding alcoholic - save for the fact that I don't drink often and even if I crave it I won't go out and get it.

Anways. My weight has gone down, despite the fact that I woke up this morning thinking I was fatter than ever. My mood has not changed, though I realized that I haven't cut (broken the skin) in almost 3weeks - despite wanting to intensely. I find myself resorting to a rubber band though...

I've also recently discovered that my mom, when she was my age, was probably an exercise bulimic. She was talking to me again about my "teenage angst" and how she remembers that when she was in high school she hated her body and her self and how she didn't weigh much and how she threw all her hate into sports and the gym (like I do with global issues/theatre). I'm thinking, hm, ok, isn't it proven that, to some extent, disordered mindsets at genetically linked? Either way, I'm not surprised, with all the shit she has going on now (anxiety, major depression).

Main difference between me and my mom, the main difference between our "teenage angst"? She was loved by everyone in the school, the star athlete. She went through guys faster than the loosest slut. She didn't have stellar grades, but she still went to university on basketball scholarship. And she was thin. She didn't cut. No one expected anything from her - other than to win games.

I'm not saying I have it harder. I'm saying I have it different. Guys are my friends or they hate me (I oh so love honesty box on facebook). No one knows ME at school. I have honors grades and may-or-may-not even get in to university. I'm not thin. Everyone expects everything from me.

I hate that she groups it together and diagnoses it as "teenage angst". But, I can't refute. It would give too much away.

Sorry for the ranting post. foriegnobject, Ana's girl + Lala, you guys rock my socks.


Ana's Girl said...

Maybe those of us with EDs are more prone to depression and alcoholism. I've noticed in reading blogs that almost everyone with an ED gets easily depressed and craves alcohol. I'm the same way. So in a sense, darling, you are "normal" as you wish to be.
:) I rock ur socks!!! I love you, girl!

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