Monday, December 7, 2009

Most Random Day

I had a wonderfully long, eloquent, thought-provoking post all planned out.

It involved a philosophical, ED-esque look at New Moon and how the acting changed my entire perspective on the series, a stupid comment in Social that is plaguing my thoughts, how my jeans are for some reason loose and how I haven't weighed myself in a while because I'm too scared and how they may possibly be connected, how I'm at a stupid 84% in Bio because of ONE assignment the teacher lost, and how absolutely fucking ridiculous (and delicious) the idea of tropical (pineapple + coconut) green tea is.

But, I care not anymore. I wasted my night avoiding homework and studying for a unit test. I was happy, random, sparkling today - except I refused to deal with pressing issues, ones even beyond school and eating. I considered walking in to the guidance office and just telling her - this massive 400ilb+ sweet women who has "known" me for 3 years - that I: a) cut, b) am passively/agressively obsessed with perfection, c) have starved myself to lose weight and that I desperately want to do it again, d) am insanely, wholly and completely lonely and how no one knows me, e) can't stabilize my emotions, and f) honestly think I'm worthless.

I considered emailing my most trusted teacher.

Then, I thought of the repercussions. What would I sound like? That snotty nosed princess who's life is perfect until she fabricates a character twist that makes everyone wonder... that is where it's leading. People already think I'm perfect, that nothing bad ever happens to me, that nothing is ever wrong in my life. I have no motivation to be depressed, right? How could I! I'm an award winning student, the perfect respected-bitch-who-everyone-loves-to-hate. It must be for attention then. Or, oh, it's too perfect. The unnatainable perfectionist descends into depression - it's so true it's a cliche.

I can't live with that. Even if it's not perfect, beauty will arise from this pain, right?

P.S. Like the new layout? I'm having a love/hate relationship with it.


Lola said...

Hmm, it is a well-established fact that people with ED's are perfectionists, overachievers, and supremely obsessed with keeping up appearances.We seek to be perfect in our intake, overachieve in our weight loss, and look effortless doing it.
One facet that draws us to ED's is the subtle contradiction of it all.
We seek to create an inner state of tremulous fragility that belies the dynamic strength of our public appearance. We cannot break down the strong public exterior. We are too proud to tell others of our weaknesses, so we write them across our bodies. This is show, not tell.
This is the main reason I typify myself as pro-ED. I believe the internet is a powerful space for struggling overachievers to give voice to their problems. Shout your shortcomings! Tell, don't show. Come here to breakdown, release your heavy burdens, then return to normal life!

Oh, and I prefer the old layout. This one's too simplistic. You are prettier than this.

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