Lightness

I'm going through another mood swing.

It's odd because, despite my constant hate, binging, comparing, stressing, craving and otherwise depressive behaviors, I feel lighter. I'm starting to feel better than OK. I'm starting to, at least today, focus. I spent 2hrs last night doing homework, organizing and planing for my week - more than I have done in the past month. For some reason, I still haven't been able to find motivation to control my eating - I think I've eatten a good 700cals already today and it's only 12:30. It's disgusting. But, I am more aware of it. I'm working towards a slow build.

I'm comforting myself with the thought that it is soon Christmas break and I will be able to spend time at the gym and actually control when I eat (verses I have to eat between 6:30-7:30am, between 11:40-12:00pm and 5-7pm). When I had the time to focus last year, in the December (Christmas break) to March area I lost weight and gained smiles.

I can feel my wall going up again against the baddies and the saddies. I can know that I don't love myself, that I'm not confident in myself, but I don't have to let every single thing I see, hear or do or don't impact my existance. For instance, yesterday 4 of my friends went facebook-official on relationships I didn't know about. Without knowing it, I 3rd wheeled every one of their dates. Once again, no one wants me (not that I blame them right now). Its tugging at my heart strings, but I refuse to let them snap.

This semester has been a gong show, but I actually have some optimism for the weeks to come. With any luck at all, this mood will stay. Something in me needs to click, and I feel gears shifting.

Where they will stop, no body knows.