Sunday, November 22, 2009

Restless

We live in a world of contradictions.

I live/die in a world/hell of contradictions/ realities.

I'm reading Wasted right now -slowly, but surely - and it's really scary. I'm not in anyway, shape, or form like Marya H. in the sense of motivation or severity or ENDOS diagnosis.

Yet, I read her bio. I read her descriptions and her eloquent musings, and I experience deja vu so often it gives me whiplash.

I watched a documentary about teenage girls and eating disorders, sexuality and cutting. These girls speak so honestly about their needs on all these levels and how they've all experienced it. How much it hurts and how much they want it to hurt. I see myself in them; they voice sentences I have only dared to think.

I talk with a graduate about suicide (not related to me at all) and he just sighs and tells me it's harder to talk to someone than to do it. That is how shoving pills down your throat, or starving yourself, or dangling from a rope is the easy way out. I ask what depression is, then? He says it's limbo, indecision, and it's weakness too. I (dis)agreed.

So, what does that make me? Normal? Mild? Not depressed enough. A cut not deep enough. A girl not thin enough. Not angry enough. Is that it?

Sleep is my only escape... my only true relief from the alternating numbness and pain and guilt and anger. But even that is tainted somehow, yet only enough to bother me, not enough to worry about. I wake up exhausted - knowing that I hardly slept through the night as I tossed and turned, surrounded by semi-conscious fears and hate.

I almost collapsed at work because I hadn't eaten in a few hours.
I used to go 4 days without even liquid food.

What does that make me?

3 comments:

Lola said...

I believe that we are all liminal beings. To be human is to simultaneously reside in two different and opposing states. Splitting, medical practice's way of black-and-white thinking, only causes trouble. But on a lighter note, I literally lol'd at your comment on EN. I get the feeling that blog will be less read than my other one. No numbers.

Ana's Girl said...

I know how you feel. You feel like you're sick, but not sick enough... I know exactly what you mean. I wish i knew how to help, but i'm having the same troubles..

foreignobject said...

It's funny how almost everyone in the ED community at some point has read "Wasted" - and no one I have ever heard or read about feels like they are as "good" an anorexic or bulimic as Marya was. I had the same feeling when I read the book. It's like we're never good enough, worthy enough, suffering enough ... You know?

I checked like three times today for new posts from you. Yours is one of my absolute favourite blogs.

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