Thursday, December 10, 2009

Everyone Else

Drama people are dramatic.

For anyone who has ever been in theatre, you know what I mean. Actors make drama amongst themselves, for they have problems separating life from the stage and imaginings, desires and hatred blooms under the spotlight. Techs make drama in order to, ironically, mock the drama of the actor who are - obviously, and often literally - below them. Actors make drama with Techs because if Techs screw up... no one can see. Techs make drama with Actors because they don't understand the anxiety of a monologue.

It's exhausting. But, I love it. I know why, too. It's because I swing between both (Imagine that, another grey area!) Most of my friends are actors, I go to actor parties, I talk the actor speak, I treat the actors like actors - but I am, and will always be, a tech. I run the show, they are the show. It's a line I enjoy balancing. I can feel involved with everyone, needed by everyone, acknowledged and respected by everyone.

Someone asked me why I bothered with theatre yesterday, I said: "Because it's fun." This is the real answer.

Beyond the confines of the stage, my life is still holding it's own, hovering above the OK line. Everyone else, though, just isn't. Everyone is raging, everyone is depressed. I realize now that they (specifically, a group of 4 or 5) were happier, more lively, when I was depressed. There was laughing behind me in class - I sit by myself in front of rows of friends now. They always mocked me, they found ways to lift each others spirits.

But now, it's not like that. Now, everyone is sad and lonely. I fight it's effects, but right now it's sinking in. Their negativity is contagious; I wonder, is it me? What am I doing? Did I wear the wrong thing? Am I bulging? Am I asking a stupid question? Did I ignore them? Did I say something wrong?

It's making me paranoid about everything. And the paranoia is adding to my generalized, showtime rage which is fueled by both physical and mental exhaustion. I'm popping advil like a drug addict. I feel boxed in by them. I feel worthless and needless and helpless.

So, I go and buy bake sale goods - a cupcake and ricebar. Which is bad, I know.

I want to fast. That is really what I want. It's what would bring my spirits up. But, I won't risk it. Not when the show depends on me to make it run. I tried fasting during show last year - I blacked out - it was a disaster. I can't risk it.



Ana's Girl said...

It's always good to be able to get along with everyone, even when they can't seem to get along with everyone else. It makes you feel much more loved and useful (which, damn right, you're both!) I'm glad you've found something that makes you so happy.
Maybe everyone else is just tired stressed out, with Christmas and the show there's a lot going on. Do NOT blame yourself, love. Just try to keep the happiness you have when you're in theatre with you all the time.

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