Monday, November 2, 2009

Beaten with Bitter Lies

So, it's a week later.

What happened, eh?

Well, long story short: I got worse. Binge/starving cycle continue, I got even more depressed, I cut a few more times (even though I knew it no longer helped), I really started hating myself. I, essentially, got really low... lower than I have been in a very, very, very long time. Thursday night... well, really all Thursday... I was about to burst. I swung from anger to being on the verge of tears to actually calling a helpline ( I hung up though) to seriously considering a pile of Advil.

Thankfully (I guess?) my mom, who I hadn't seen or talked to really in the last week because she'd been working crazy hours, came downstairs and had a chat with me. She'd been having the whole mothers-connection-pain from me. She caught me crying. It was really really hard to not yell and scream and tell her about this blog and everything I've said on here or about cutting or my suicidal thoughts.

I did tell her things though. How I didn't care anymore, how I felt fat (she knew I have been popping pills for a while, and that the 40ilb weight loss last year wasn't a phase), how lonely I was. She concluded: I was depressed. Hurrah. Quote, un quote: Not enough to be clinical, mind you, but between hormones and stress... you're depressed.

If only she knew the true story. Ugh. It makes me feel even more guilty that she thinks she knows it all and she's saddened by only that. Then again, now I feel like maybe I'm not depressed. Maybe I'm over reacting and being a baby. Maybe it's a subconscious attention grab.

Anyways. I felt great on Friday after crying it out. And partying sans alcohol. And eating without guilt.

Saturday I worked for 9hrs, then I went partying avec alcohol, strobe lights and weed. I didn't smoke, but there was certainly enough in the air. Strobe light didn't help. I danced and ate and drank withoutguilt, without inhibition. I laughed and joked and flirted and grinded like a normal, hot teenager in a semi-skanky costume on Halloween.

This is what I want for all my Gr.12 events. I want something to remember.

Anyways, off topic. I had a good weekend.

Until Sunday. LONGER story short - friends suck. Especially immature girls. Boys who are friends rule. I love being the "normal teenager" in my closest group.

Now, I'm back to where I was. Semi-depressed, unmotivated, tired, hating. Got a 91% on my latest quiz in Social. Doesn't matter anymore.

I've also gained.

Surprise sur-fucking-prise.


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