Saturday, June 19, 2010

Existential Crisis' and Fantasies/Delusions

I've been wanting to post about this forever, but I haven't been able to sit down and organize my thoughts until now. Not that they're organized. I'm just here now.

Starting on this one is going to be hard. I guess, the easiest thing to say is that I have no idea what's wrong anymore. I used to be insightful about my own self, my triggers and my motivations, but recently I've been confused about everything. I get manically happy (once in a blue moon) and motivated for no reason. Most of the time I'm in a haze, completely numb and complacent. I've come home after drinking and hanging out with friends (something that would usually pick me up) to contemplate cutting. I've stopped sleeping regularly, and I couldn't be bothered to study for my diploma's.

Where is that girl who swung between hate and over-achieving? Where is my ED self, the obsessive self, the self that wanted to prove perfection (even if it meant doing nothing)? What in the hell happened to her?

I had another awards ceremony yesterday - another huge award won by 69 students out of the countless thousands. All I could think was : "I don't deserve this". Because I didn't. The stuff I was nominated for, the stuff I won for, I quit months ago because I tried to live a life... not that that worked in the end.

Anyways, on top of that, recently... and I know this makes me sound crazy.... I've been daydreaming about being in an asylum. I've always had fun making up stories with characters in my head - like, since I can remember I've occupied time doing it. Characters... who have diseases, disorders, addiction etc. Projecting my own issues, I'm sure. Regardless, my most recent story is one of a girl - kinda like me - in an asylum, and how freakin wonderful it is. Anorexia, heroin and cutting are her issues (woah, analyze that).

Anyways. That combined with the general feelings of confusion recently has really set me for a whirl.

I need something to do to keep my mind off this. I'm working fulltime, but it's not enough. A new hobbie, or sport. A challenge. Or maybe I'll try the photography thing. Suggestions? How crazy am I on a 1-10 scale?

Saturday, June 5, 2010


I know I only come here when I'm feeling bad. But that's because I've restructured my coping. It used to be that I blogged after binging, restricting or cutting... almost as a punishment - admitting it. I blog now when I feel like doing those things. So, it's justified, right? Does it need justification...

I'm registering for classes at university tomorrow and I'm feeling so depressed. For no reason. Is it because I'm realising now how I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life? Or because I'm beginning to get scared about next year? Or maybe I'm just feeling the effects of my graduation ceremony yesterday... Or I've finally given up.

Tonight is the first night in a while that I've just been sitting in my room thinking... I could end it, right now.

In a long while. It's kind of scary, but not at the same time. What's more scary is that the thought came to me so easily, effortlessly and without much provocation. I'm feeling really alone in the world, as per usual, but nothing else has really pushed me over. I legitimately, and, I lied, this is the scariest part... I have no idea why I'm so upset tonight.

I've stopped eating breakfast - because I've been nauseous in the mornings, sometimes skimping on lunch. I've lost 5ilbs... and I don't know why. I have to remind myself to eat - but I don't feel guilty about it, so I'm not sure how ED related it is. It's so weird. I'm confused.

I have 3 days left in my bubble. 3 days until my world bursts and I am released into semi-functional adulthood. Alone.

And, besides feeling alone (though not surprised by the fact), I feel nothing.

This has stopped me from cutting tonight :)
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration