Friday, December 11, 2009


Today was amazing. I woke up and felt wonderful - still at just-barely-under-140. After devising a wonderfully dark, attractive-yet-comfy outfit, I stepped into school and was handed free coffee! Wonderful. Then, I got my report card and I am sitting at straight 90s in my academics, then 95s in options. In Bio, I figured out the unit's main points. In Social, my teacher took us out for coffee/hot chocolate instead of doing a test because we, as an honors class of seven, brought our class average up by 10%. So much fun!

After school, as we got out early, the cast put on Harry Potter 6 and sat down and watched it together. It was amazing. Then, we all went out for dinner. Then, we had an absolutely wonderful closing show with an absolutely shitty audience (which made it better, because we didn't care about them either).

The after party was at a dreaded ice cream parlor, but I resisted major food and ice cream, opting for a kids cone of plain vanilla.

Soon, my friends begin to leave. All at once. You have to understand, during show, there was a group of about 10 of us who spent every day with each other from 3pm-10pm all week. There were jokes, drama and tender moments. So, imagine my dismay when they (the 9 of them) leave at once. I go to say good bye and one of them asks, "Are you coming?" I ask where. He says, "Oh, sorry, we're going to Micheles... sorry, you can't come. Bye."

They left. The people I wanted to spend my night with just left without me, without even asking if I could come or if I wanted to. They just left. Why couldn't I come? Oh, well, they thought I would have to go home.

Excuse me? No. How can they do that? Shit, I shouldn't be mad. I know that. I usually can't come, I haven't had the time. But... they don't understand how much I rely on their friendship and attention and company. They left and I was alone. Again. As always. As always.

God. And there is this guy, Z. He and I hit it off over the summer, like there were sparks. I was too scared to pursue though, I didn't know him or his cousin or anyone. Now I do. I've been hanging with them, and with him. But now he has a girlfriend (though they don't seem close). Still... I was crying backstage today because it was my last show blah-blah-blah and he just came up and gave me this long, tight hug.

I wanted to just blurt it all out. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to cry harder. I wanted to just... ugh. But I couldn't. I didn't. But all night, he kept doing it. Every time I passed him back stage, even at the parlor, every time I looked sad or started getting flustered he just came up and hugged me. The more amazing thing was that I never once thought while he was hugging me if he thought I was fat. He gives bear hugs, real hugs, the all-the-way-around-your-waist hugs.

But then he left with them. And I realize I don't mean anything to him, I don't mean anything to any of them.

And I want to throw up that ice cream.


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