Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Keeping On

I didn't cut that night - or binge even. I went into my room and stared at facebook profiles and pictures of those who are hurting me. I found my dayplanner and went into another OCD manic episode, cleaning and organizing. Then, I cried myself into a restless sleep.

It's a pretty solid win for me, I think.

I feel myself easing back into this lifestyle - whatever this is. I go to bed promising myself I am going to fast, I wake up realising I have to eat something, but it is less than even what I was eating last week. I am hoping to go to the gym tonight and start whipping this lazy, fat ass into shape. I'll probably go even if I don't have the time to - I need the endorphins if nothing else.

Yesterday was awful. I was a zombie. An obsessed, sad, angry, hungry zombie without enough energy to even pretend to smile.

I was exhausted from 2 sleepless nights, so last night I just said to myself : "OK. Time for bed. If you aren't going to study or excersize, go to bed.... once you check facebook ONCE more." I ended up getting into a conversation about music and I realised how stale my music library was.

I ended up downloading/finding/ranting about new music until 1am. Ooops.

The new tunes have revitalized me though. I feel much, much better about things and I feel lighter. I'm no less convinced of my own failure as a person, but at least the world is a bit better, right? Anyways. I'll be posting pictures tomorrow, I think. I need to start being more accountable... to whatever magic people who actually read this.


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Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration