Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Things I'll Never Say

I wonder if I'm borderline bi-polar.

No, honestly. Yesterday, I was so... content. Optimistic. Life sucked, but it was OK because you just had to push through. Smile more, and the world will smile with you.

On Friday, I was having some form of panic attack. Cleaning, rearranging, homeworking for hours and hours at a time is not, by any means, normal. I was freaked. Scared. Don' t know why or what triggered it. It was a nice manic episode.

Today, I've been making cutting motions on my wrist with a pencil constantly. I'm mad. It's the kind of mad that causes a tight chest and a hateful spin on every word, the kind that makes you paranoid and spiteful and pessimistic and too-honest. Honestly.

I weighed 5ilbs less today and I did yesterday. No idea why. I binged last night.

In Bio, I day dreamed about getting hit by a van.

In Social, I wondered what it would be like to live in the Matrix (we were talking about Neo-Conservatism, and I got thinking about Neo, then the Matrix... it's related I swear) and be used for a battery until sucked dry and composted.

Something is very, very wrong with me.

{edit: Border-line bi-polar. Ha! What a silly thing to say. I was really angry all day - and I still am. No idea why. I'm a little crazy right now though. I just re-read this and started laughing at my own melodramatic (albeit truthful) account of my day.

Feelin' a little pathetic fallacy goin' on right now. For those of you who aren't english nerds, that means the personification of weather to reflect mood. There is a violent, 60km/hr wind outside right now. I walked home in it. It whipped my hair around, pushed me sideways. It felt just as angry as I was.

Yippee. Also, updated photo of moi. No, you get no body shots - I wouldn't want to cause nightmares.}


Ana's Girl said...

Sometimes, i wonder the same thing about myself... But i never know what to do about it. It's truly awful. And i do the same thing, cutting motions with blunt objects. I don't know how it makes anything better, but it seems too. Hang in there, darling. It has to get better soon.
On a posative note, you are absolutely beautiful!

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