Thursday, November 5, 2009

Heaven help me for the way I am

I'm the worst blogger on earth... haha. Ana's Girl, I hope you know how much your comments mean to me - even if I never actually follow your wonderful advice.

I was intent on fasting today. Got about half way through, and wasn't even hungry, just anxious and tired and careless. It started out ok - a Luna bar w/ water. Then, I had soup. And pears, later. And then chocolate. Yes, that's right. Halloween is the bane of my existance.

That's such a lie.

I feel bad writing here because I feel myself drawing out of the ED world and fantasising. Maybe it's because I've gained so much and I am moving from the rawr-rawr-I-hate-life stage of depression to the fuck-this-nothing-matters stage. I don't know. I'm on a rush from productivity right now.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but it probably won't considering the day starts off with a panic-attack waiting to happen. I can't focus in school anymore - let alone stay awake. I know it's because I'm not exercising anymore. I just don't care, nor do I see the point.

What a vicious, stupid cycle.

I can look back and say that. But, when the moment of decision between getting off two stops early or doing situps while watching Tv... I just say no.

Anyways. You won't hear from me until Sunday as I am going to a Youth Retreat through World Vision. Kind of seriously stoked. Half for the fact that i'm going, the people and the theme (Africa!). The other half is, admittedly, the fact that it's regulated food intake and we're hiking and doing outdoor activities.

Maybe ED isn't gone out my system entirely yet.

Loves <3


Anonymous said...

I know what it's like to feel like nothing matters. I wish I could give you a hug, but you'll have to settle for a virtual one. (alright, imagine getting hugged riiiiight ... NOW!)

I know no one can talk you out of hurting yourself. It has to be a decision you make on your own. At least that's how it was for me. I did it for seven years, I think, and no one told me to stop when I did. But I will keep on reading and hoping, desperately, that you won't have done it next time you post.

But if you do, you know, I understand. I don't know that the most important aspect of cutting is to you; the pain, seeing the blood, the act of hurting yourself ... For me it was a combination of all three and probably many more. My point is, when I tried to stop, I started pinching my old wounds instead of making new ones some of the time. I also found it helpful to draw on myself with red markers. That way I got the visual aspects without actually cutting ...

I'm looking forward to your next post.

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