Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Cutting makes everything feel... better.
I can control something. Anything. Everything.

- I found out I failed my mast test.
- Got 3 rejection letters.
- I was kicked off a team.
- I was forgotten about.
- I was humiliated.
- I was invisible.

No one understands. No one can. I'm too fucked up. I need to get away. I need to die.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Therapy, Grad & Boozing to Numb

In that order, no less. Sorry I've not posted, 'nuff said. We all know how this works.

The question of therapy. Dot brought it up on my last post (btw, everyone who reads this please go to sanslesetoiles.blogspot.com and offer her some support. She's a wonderful person and she's going through a super hard time right now so give her some much deserved love). And, I guess, like everything else, I'm torn.

At times like now, when I look back at the most menial things and see utter failure and worthlessness, I think -"Jesus, this is dumb. You need help." I can go back and read suicidal posts, I can cringe at an eating-disorder or an "emo" joke and look at my scars and SEE someone who needs a little push from a professional. When I think back, or even reflect on daily life, I see someone who can't handle what is happening and who takes every negative event or constructive criticism to a whole new level. I see someone who takes solace in alcohol and in attention.

But that's where we reach the line. My rationale side, the side that is active and primarily in control when I am pleasant mood, is saying - "You're not sick. You're doing this for attention." And how true it could be. How many times have I fantasized about getting caught cutting or about getting cancer so the chemo would thin me out? How often I have!

Like, seriously? Look at me now. I'm not cutting or fasting (though I think about it) and everyone has low-self esteem. Sure the slightly too-easy decent into the suicidal/hateful mindset is concerning, but I have no reason for it. I've created my own demon, so why in hell's name should I disgrace my family and cause them to spend unneeded money on selfish me?

Then, there are the general concerns about what people/teachers would think. If they would think I'd been faking (I have), or being a drama queen (I have). Essentially, getting therapy means someone figuring out my ugly self and I can't... I don't want that.

I know I'm making excuses for not doing it, even though in my heart of hearts, I know I should even just to deal with family issues much less my own depression. I don't know how to go about it. I don't know if I could keep the secret. What I do know is my perfect image is concrete in public, it is undeniable. Once that mask begins to flake... I could lose everything. I'm terrified to even attempt.

End that thought. I want therapy I guess, I don't think I need it or deserve it, and I'm terrified of it.

I'm feeling really crappy right now because, once again, I've been forgotten. All my close friends have my grad arrangements assuming I was hanging with another group for grad. Alone, again. Surprise, surfreakinprise. It's all handed in and done, so I can't do shit all about it. they're all "we're so sorry, we thought..." yeah, well. What can I do? I'm so dumb, this is my own damn fault.

On top of that, I'm feeling in general fragile right now. I've reached for the blade a few times, never put it to skin... yet. The 30hr famine is coming up and I don't know if I want to risk fasting... even if it's for a good cause. Last time I stretched it into a 78hr famine... by changing the dates over and over. I can't be sucked into that again.

Anyways, I'm drinking on Saturday. With older people. And, honestly, I just want to numb it. Just for a night. With people I can trust to not rape me or some shit like that. Might say or do something stupid, but I don't care.

Weight is somehow still at 140-143. Logic is absent from my body and mind.

[edit: didn't get drunk at all. in fact, I fucking was insulted... alone all night. I should have fasted when I had the chance. binged today. cut today too. it's all starting again. and no one will ever know.]

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I don't know what to do. I didn't cut that night, by the way, and foreignobject - if you can leave your email for me, I will keep in touch, I would love that. I went on vacation to Florida with the family and it was so completely stressful.

I know, right? On vacation and stressed out of my mind. I got so sick, nearly blacked out from heat exhaustion one day. I just... I can't live with my family. We're so full of shit, every single one of us. My brother, the eldest, is an ass but he's hurting too. My dad is so fucking ridiculous and so disrespectful and abusive... but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and he is so convinced that he is right. He's so on his high horse, he doesn't care if he hits my brothers in public, he doesn't care that his children are terrified of him. He demands respect, but respects no one.

My mom has such low self esteem, she can't even contain it from me, despite the fact that she knows how much I'm struggling right now. It hurts to watch her, to take her shopping and leave empty handed everytime. It takes so much energy to not burst out, screaming "You're not the only one who thinks she's fat... Mom, we're the same fucking size stop cursing how fat you are, how do you think it makes me feel?" It's exhausting and I can't be around her, because I fear for my own sanity. And... I feel terrible for it, but I'm almost done. My respect for her dwindles every time she walks out of the room when my Dad goes off on a rampage. Why should I have to be the one fighting against HER husband to protect HER children? Why do I have to be the protector.

I tanned and lost 10ilbs while away, and I felt it. I felt so damn good. Sexy, almost. Like I finally could tackle the world, these last few months of school do it with vigor and intelligence. These last two days that I have been home, literally within seconds I go from sexy-model posing in the mirror to contemplating the razor or crying. I've spent two days holed up in my room, cycling through the roller coaster. And now, on the eve of going back to school, i have accomplished nothing.

My projects are not done. Assignments are not complete. I am more stressed out than before school went on break; I am more jealous and hateful and terrified of... everyone and everything I can't get.I can't justify anything to myself right now. I want to call my friend, I want to text her saying: "Tell me that I'm worth something, that's all I need to see, just type it back, please." But I know she is sleeping and I can't bother her.

I feel like a complete and totally failure on multiple accounts. My project fucking fails compared to others and I don't even want to hand it in. I don't want to go to class because I haven't reviewed and I'll look like an imbecile. I feel trapped. I don't even want to cut, I just want to sleep. I just want to die.

But, I can't do that either.

Utterly useless.

I'm not going to make it through the year. Right now, I don't want to.

I don't know what to do anymore other than fake it in hopes that it'll eventually become truth. Smile a happier, tanned smile than before. No, there is no hope. Not tonight.
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration