Monday, October 26, 2009

Today, I

Today, I thought I could be strong.

I woke up, showered, and sat back in my bed, wishing the day -school - to go away. I watched an episode of Dollhouse and dressed in 5minutes. I had to go.

I held a razor to my wrist, shaking, then scoffed at my own stupidity. They would see it there. My bloated, fat stomach was my canvas.

I didn't eat breakfast, or lunch. I wasn't hungry. I was energetic due to my new green tea pills. I had a good day at school, despite blood seeping through my thin tank top. I drank only water.

Today, I felt strong.

I stayed to paint sets, then went shopping for halloween costumes and ranted with a girlfriend about my weekend. The 3 days that destroyed my thighs, my esteem and my outlook.

I came home and was amazed with myself. Wouldn't it be the best if I could eat something small, low cal and walk away? The ultimate display of strength and control; to restrict.

I binged for 3hours.

Today, I lied to myself.

Today, I realized that I need to pick a side and not wait for my numbness to fade.

Today... I carried a razor with me in my class...with friends...while talking to my principal. A secret. A weapon. A lie.

Today, I need to forget.


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Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration