Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas: Dancing Guilt

1) Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying what they can of the season, of the spirit and, if nothing else, of the presents ;P

Last night I went to a cocktail/dance party. I wore a retro black-and-white polka dotted dress. This dress floats wonderfully and I felt... pretty. Again, early on in the evening, I was abandoned by my "friends" from the theatre. I didn't care though, rather, I pushed it out of my mind. I knew other people there and, dare I say, I was getting attention from some of the boys.

There was alcohol, but it was tightly controlled and I don't have a fake. Instead... I gave up. I literally stood aside and told myself, "Screw it. Just screw it." I danced for 3 hours. I dipped and twirled and shook my thang. It was wonderful. I ate too much, I felt fat and disgusting. So - god - why should I care? No one would want me anyways.

So, it was a good night again.

Now, on to Christmas Eve. Today is a really hard day for many, myself included. My biggest issue is that this is the day, once a year, that my parents drag us to a church service. I will try not to go too far in to this, but this year it was really hitting home. It was my first christmas with scars, my first christmas full of hate just beneath the surface.

I am not religious. I am not even particularly faithful. I do not believe in God, or Jesus. I do not believe that there is some force out there that can heal me if I "open my heart" to it. I do not believe that Christmas is Jesus' birthday.

On the other hand, especially with Christmas, the spirit the season invokes is something I can not disagree with. The pastor was talking about the Christmas Spirit tonight, and he was going on about the value of Christmas spirit and of giving presents and of taking pride in humanity. I was thinking : "Wow, he is right. This really is what it's about..." then he said, "and that only way we can achieve peace is if we let Jesus into our hearts".

This is wear religion loses me. No, it isn't up to "God". ANYWAYS. Sorry. I write about this because these services make me feel extremely guilty. I feel that by being there, by standing during songs, by closing my eyes (respectfully) while people pray... I feel as though I am lying.

All that is going through my mind is: Liar, liar, liar. How can you disrespect these people? Worthless fatty. Liar... etc.

Somehow, i'll get through Christmas. The holidaze.

Holding 140.

Does anyone read this anymore?


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