Monday, November 9, 2009

Terminal Cancer

First of all, foriegnobject you are amazing. I smile everytime I see that you've commented, and you're right - high school boys suck haha.

Today was, overall, not very good. I woke up extremely depressed from last night. Same old, same old. Then, somehow, I spread out a blanket and did a few measly sit ups - but more than I have done in a very long time. I still felt big and jiggly, but stronger. I ate pretty decently today compared to the last few days of binging on anything and everything. No, scratch that. I ate really well - probably about 1300-1400. So, normal.

Goods otherwise: I'm at a 91% in Bio - thank jesus. 90s are so comforting (Then again, I have a quiz tomorrow that I couldn't bring myself to study for [see bads].) I went to the gym and actually ran my first mile!!! Did some other cardio and stretched. Did most of my homework and got ready for tomorrow - I am MCing my school's Remembrance Day Assembly. I really don't mind public speaking, especially MCing. None cares about you, right?

Bads: Felt self-concious, guilty, hateful and ugly all day. Its rare for me to walk around looking at people's feet... I saw some nice shoes today. Then, at lunch, the bombshell hit. One of my good friends, someone who I feel I'm getting closer and closer to, someone I've been through a lot with told me his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

He's taking it pretty lightly right now - buying her a card and chocolate, even though the chemo is making her too sick to drink water. But... when he told me, I know my face and eyes just crumbled and I looked so pathetic- every memory of my grandfather whom I lost 2 years ago to cancer came rushing back - and I caught the eye of another actor who just gave me the biggest hug. Why!? C. is the one who's mom is dying!

I know he's not ok with it, rather, that he's not dealing with it because he didn't tell me right away. Nor did he tell me what kind of cancer or how long she has. He's had drug problems before, and I just want to make sure he's ok... but wow. My heart was tight all day. When I was running, all I was thinking was - He doesn't deserve this... this is going to kill him... this is his gr. 12 year! Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm so stupid - how can I be unhappy and depressed when shit like this is going down?! He doesn't deserve this...

It's true, my own depression is unneeded.

Anyways, writing that got me really sad. I have to stop and breathe. Meditate a while. Study. Sleep.

Hate.

2 comments:

Ana's Girl said...

Hey, don't be so down on yourself. You're getting yourself back into exercising and restricting slowly but surely. You're doing all right, love. Just keep trying.
I'm so sorry to hear about C's mom... Just remember that miracles can happen, and never lose hope.

foreignobject said...

I'm so sorry about your friend's mother. I feel like the worst part about things like that is feeling so utterly helpless. It's been almost twelve years since I lost someone important, but that happened suddenly. It was a shock, also because I was just a kid ...

I have almost no memories of how that person was or looked like. All I remember is loving them. If what happened to C, happened to one of my friends I would want them to make the most of their time together and make as many memories as possible. You could offer to do a photosession with C and his mom, for example? It would give you a chance to maybe deal with some of the feelings about your grandfather, and be a lovely gesture to C. If he/they agree(s) it might also help him when the time comes to grieve.

Love.

(And thank you)

Post a Comment

 
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration