Thursday, August 27, 2009

Last First Day

Today didn't go well, but I think it was my own fault - I was entirely cynical all day, nervous and fatigued from lack of sleep. Excuses, blah blah. So, short story - as I am exhausted and have to get up at an absolutely unholy hour tomorrow.

-All my teachers, and the new principal and curriculum leader rock!
-Play director didn't convince me to stage manage (I rejected him via facebook). He's really good at the "I'm sure you'll make the right choice" speech that basically means "do what I want you to do or else I'll be disappointed". I cave easily to that. And the man is in a wheelchair. I can only say no via online =P. That sounds really creepy.
-I went for an 18minute run first thing this morning. That's 3minutes more than I was able to do last time!... Hey, small goals. I also rode to school and back.
-Got my shift covered for a Saturday volunteer meeting with the Olympic crew.
-Ate about as much calories as a normal person, and didn't binge.

-Don't know anyone in 3/4 of my classes. It's grade 12 and no one is looking to make friends.
- I was alone... all day.
-I got a suicide/cutting/coping speech from a teacher today. Somehow a compliment on how I am connected with people and truly seem intuitive about other's turned into a warning about people who are "hurting" and how I should alert someone. Oh lovely. Now, I'm paranoid because it was either genuine or one of those teacher moves where they know something and are trying to weasel it out of you.
- Mom's out of her anti-depressants. All hell brakes lose on the first day, lovely.
- My Portfolio teacher doesn't know how to teach, and this is the only year I'll actually need her help.
-I ate in weird fluctuations today, notably when I was nervous - like I brought a 150cal protien bar for lunch and had to eat it during Portfolio while I was stressing about university/scholarships and the fact that the guys in the corner were making fun of me, and that I knew no one.
-I have posters to finish, and my program is dead. I can't use the school's Photoshop this year, because I finished the Multimedia course.

Hoping on a better day tomorrow. I came home and organized a little, made up some binders and sectioned things out. It calmed me down and got me a little bit more excited about school. I just want to get down to work! I don't have anything to do and it's killing me!

Tomorrow, I have school, then I work later on - so I'll be able to go home, change, then ride to work -, then have a party to go to. I really want to fast tomorrow, and I'm gonna see if I can. I'll be arriving at the party late-ish, so food may be over... but food's never over at parties, who am I kidding! I think I'll try still. Surely I can make it.

Projects for this weekend: Finish getting all school supplies, print out thinspo for locker (buy magnets), make ed-bracelet (does someone know the colours for these? I'm sure I could google it, but you ladies are just so smart!), go shopping for bag or DIY one, photowalk.

(P.s, photo is by 'zemotion. I love her photography.)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Rollercoaster Day

Tomorrow is my first day of my last year in High School.

Every other year, I've been excited. Ready weeks before. Right now, I'm avoiding cleaning my room and getting even remotely ready. I don't exactly know why I'm scared to go back. I know I'm looking forward to the structure, but it also scares me for some reason.

I've had one of those dazed-days, wanting to sleep constantly, but not actually having the energy to move to a bed. I did, however, go for a 30min run/walk. It's something. Not much, but something. Tomorrow, I plan to be doing A LOT of exercise in the form of walking - we're talking 3+ hours... but what does that mean? 600 cals maybe? Not a lot, or enough. I'll run again tomorrow probably. Weights too (thanks for the idea).

I actually don't even have the energy to write here. I just hope tomorrow is a good day and that no one realizes how scared I am. Night.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Drama and Surprise Parties

This is gonna be a quickie here, just because I'm trying to get back in the habit. For everyone who commented last post about cutting... I don't even know what to say. Blah blah, I don't want to explain it. Haha, Ana's Girl - your comment made me laugh because... carving? Been there done that! So screwed if anyone takes a close peek at my inner thigh.

Anyways, photoshoot went splendid today. What miracles a good camera and lighting can work! I can't wait to get the photos and to put some up haha. I loved that the majority of the time he shot me in very fashion-esque positions/poses and in heels and skinny jeans! As someone who is 5'9" and rarely wears heels... I don't know, just being taller than you already are rocks. He had to stand a stool sometimes ;P. The COOLEST thing he did though is when I told him I brought my camera as a prop be jumped on it an pulled a bunch of his equipment down (tripods/old lights/a ladder) and got me to pose as if I was taking pictures! So cool! Total rush.

There is some major diva drama going down right now. It's ridiculous beyond belief, involving boys, denial, invitations, drugs and sex! Scandalous - welcome to high school, girls. Ugh. But I love it. This is terrible, but most girls my age when they have to deal with scandal they get all high-pitched and slap-fighty. I get logical and sarcastic. I win everytime. More details on this later, it's big and long. Ooh I'm a bad person.

I'm off to the party from which this diva-drama emerged, and it should be very interesting. I loaded up on watermelon and blueberries so I should be able to resist for a while. Hopefully ;P

I am a terrible ED blogger. I swear once school gets in (so in a week) I'll be back on track.

Yum - I do a lot of walking and biking, then sit ups and stuff like that. I used to do weights and elliptical cardio when I had a gym membership. I'm thinking of starting running, I think that would help some =D Thanks for the advice.

Monday, August 24, 2009

More Like Big, Big, Birds

...instead of butterflies in my stomach right now.

Today was by far the most intense, stressful day I've had in a very long time. It was also, I think, the hardest day ever regarding ED. Quite literally - I woke up angry at myself for eating so much the night before, nervous out of my mind to get my schedule, hating my fat/ my thinking, and wanting food. I was so crazy into a binge (later on) that I don't remember it. I hung out with friends, laughed harder and longer than I have in weeks, but couldn't stop thinking about food and comparing myself in size to everyone and every thing around me. Even right now I feel absolutely disgusting for just eating a 3/4 cup of blueberries. At the same time, I feel (these are actual feelings, btw) aggravated that I even have to worry about it.

I'm sitting annoyingly at 140. That's about 3 weeks at this stupid plateau. I know, I know - I'm fricking lucky all the stupid binge weight never stuck. I know I am. At the same time, I'm sure an extra 10ilbs would kick my lazy ass into gear. I need to start recording, planning, calculating again.

I say that. Just like I say I'll clean my room, or organize binders, or make outfits, or go for a photowalk. Then I don't. I stay on my computer, or I go and eat, or... no, that's about it.

Sincerely, with all my heart, I know I'm not fat. I know that. That doesn't mean I don't want just as sincerely to lose weight. It doesn't change the equally true fact that I think my life will be better if I am at least thin(ner). Both sides are so strong. I have lost control again, because if "logic" wins - I eat...and can't stop. If Ed/ana wins I fast for days. Arggg.

Speaking of fasting, I want to fast so bad. But both parents are constantly home... and I don't have the capacity right now. I'm so mad at myself for being such a wimp. Even to do it the healthy way, I should have been able to lose 20ilbs in two months. But no.

Which brings me to the lovely climax of this whole day. My photoshoot tomorrow which I am SO not prepared for as far as my confidence and body goes. I feel gross, bloated. Indigestion. I have most of my stuff ready, but that means nothing if I can't be as confident and as thin (I was 135...for my interview) as I was when we met. Plus, in 3/4 of my outfits, you can see my healing cuts. Loooovely. Note to freakin' self, FORESIGHT. I was thinking about it, and even if he sees them... I'll say I just fell in to a tree or something. If he knows, or if he figures it out, he won't say anything. And, in fact, it's kind of nice. I'll be able to look at them and think about strength. They're part of my graduation, my moving on... my story. So oh well for me.

I'm really feeling lonely right now. Lonely and nervous. I think it's for school.

On any form of plus side, I probably spent a good 1+hours of biking and 40+mins of walking today.

Tomorrow I want to fast, but I don't know if I can because after the photoshoot it's my friends surprise 18th. Cake, and junk. Yippeee. I won't get away with not eating at all... and i've been a pig all week so my stomach will react to not eating in the studio. What I REALLY want to do is cut "DON'T EAT" in my palm. That would stop me. But no, I think I'll end up having a low-cal breakfast (or trying to) then taking a shit-ton of gum to the party and seeing how long I last. Lots of dancing.

Anyways, I have to go to bed and try to get some form of beauty sleep. It pisses me off I can't be confident in my body and my abilities. I was PICKED to do this... God, I'm screwed. Sorry this was so negative.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A new do

Once again, you guys are amazing and your support from my last, ranting, LONG (I can't believe anyone read all that, haha) post. It means a lot. It is weird how we're all in low places right now, K. Maybe some kind of global ana/ed pms? Haha.

So not funny.

Anyways, in the past few days... things have been getting a little better. My mood is so much better, and much more positive. I'm still having issues with compulsive eating, like I eat for 2hours, then that's it all day, or I eat a little at night. My bloat is starting to go away, so that's a good sign. I may have only gained 3-4 pounds this week instead of 15... Work is of course playing a role again, its FINAL CLEARANCE week this week so it's getting really busy, and people are quitting left, right, and center for back to school (which I hate, c'mon have some courtesy people!), so we're short staffed too. You don't realize that being on your feet, walking, lifting, reaching, sorting, carrying for 8hours a day actually helps a little on the calorie burning factor, even though it's not really exercise.

Two of my best friends got back from trips today, and I really missed them, and I'm really glad they're back. Jess and I have a hate-love-mostly-love relationship, we're both stage managers so we've had to get in eachothers face a few times, but otherwise... we just have very similar problems in life (relationship - or lack thereof -, bitches, family, future). She's the very first person who's made me cry IN PUBLIC because she was so upset. She's also the first friend I've snuck out with and talked for hours with at night. She's also one of those girls who is short and STOUT and LOVING it, and I respect and admire that. Anyways, she's been gone all summer, and she's leaving soon for university. I can't wait to tell her about E!

Speaking of him - E that is - we're still talking, but lagg time is kind of breaking it apart. Plus it's via facebook so you know you've edited what you're saying so much to sound eloquent or to send the right message. I don't know, he's.... freaking intuitive, actually. Over the last week we've talked...twice? Both times he asked if something was wrong, if I was ok, etc based on how I was typing/my response time. Damn him.

I've realised of late how much I'm withdrawn from the human race... even just over the summer. I can't make conversation anymore. I was up in the break room today with 5 other girls my age... they were all talking, then kind of waited for me to start up a convo I could join and I didn't. Why? I couldn't think of anything to say.

Another example is when I was at the salon yesterday getting a hair cut (I was there for more than an hour) and I think I talked to the stylist for maybe 10? All the short-n-basic conversations about school, work, vactions etc she started. After that I sat there thinking about what to say. And I couldn't. I didn't prefer either, I just wasn't chatty. And I am SUCH a chatty person. Anyways, I have to go to bed, I am opening tomorrow. Voila - the picture is of said hair cut, and please ignore the un-windex'd spot, my bad. It's shorter, layered differently, thus more curls and less triangle-frizz! Wonderous! I have to say, my hair is one of my favorite parts of my appearance. Curls are a love-hate-but-mostly-love thing... anyways, this is how I generally style my hair on a day-to-day basis. Booby pins + leave-in-conditioner. High five.

I know a few of us are going through a rough patch right now. I really suggest finding a few small, productive-ish goals and doing 2 or 3 a day. Whether that be looking something up on the internet, cleaning your room or whatever, wake up and tell yourself you have these things to complete and do them whenever. You'll feel a little better because you did something ;D

This is a really good site for mini-projects that are all DIY, you might even find a big one that inspires you! It's called Eco-back-to-school-fashionism! mmm.

<3 everyone.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Resisting the urge - warning, triggering-

I cut again today - not exactly sure why. I used a blade for the first time, and used my wrist and thighs for the first time too. I feel in control again, genuinely - and I know that's terrible. After wards, I came up with this brilliant idea for a poster design for my school council (I'm a chair now), I cleaned my room, and I didn't have a midnight binge. I cut too deep at least twice, oops.

This entire week has been awful. I've been having unprovoked, long, compulsive binge sessions daily, sometimes even twice daily. I haven't exercised, I have procrastinated on some of my most important tasks. I even stopped reading, lost even the slightest interest in photography... Stopped writing here, which is truly the worst sign. The one thing I didn't stop was weighing... and I'm sincerely ashamed of my weight right now. I should be mad, because I'm nearly back were I started, but I'm not. I'm just ashamed. Even my family has noticed -- mostly because I've been spending hours in the kitchen.

I don't know what the trigger was that sent me flying off the train, but once again, pain and scars are pushing me back on. Anyone, no, pretty much anyone reading this is self-harming - ana, mia, ed, cutting... it's all self-mutilation. I was reading an article about this. The case study was this girl, 19, perfect in every way but her little, bloody secret. She wanted to be thinner too, but it was mostly cuts. As I was reading some things of what she had done, and of her symptoms, I thought to myself - Wow, this is me. This is me right now. It kind of made me feel like I should be scared for myself, that maybe my depression, my ED, my mentality could and should be diagnosed. Then I laughed at myself -- as if.

I'm actually a terrible person. I have a little lump/pimple/psoriasis patch on my eye that is pissing the hell out of me. On the way to work the other day, I was thinking I should get it checked out, then my mind wandered. I wondered, far-fetched, what if it was cancer? Then, it turned into a day dream. Me, thin as bones, sickly, hair gone (I rock the bald look, I shave my head in grade 7) with random friends and people surrounding me. I was fighting, a trouper. I was still getting top grades, I was getting mercy-scholarships everywhere! AND I was nearly cured, but nearly had been lost. The lump is gone now, might have just been even an eyelash stuck under the lid, and I mourned for a moment - for my dream had not the slightest chance of coming to fruition. Then, I realize, for 2-3 days I wished for cancer, and I'm actually a terrible person.

I have the near-death day dream a lot actually... car-crashes, being so emaciated/dehydrated, shot, held hostage... I also have the day dream/nightmare of someone finding out about all this. That makes me annoyed to think about. Why? Because I am SO the trademarked case of EDnos/cutting. OCD, perfectionist, everyone-else-thinks-she's-beautiful, confident, mature. I'd be SUCH a boring case. Textbook. Even down to the family dynamics.

Anyways. I was writing this to calm myself down, because I had another fight with my dad - playing therapist to everyone except myself as usual, and I wanted more than anything to cut again. But twice in one day is bad. Very bad. But now I just explained the whole situation to a friend, so I'm mad again so I have to keep writing -- this will get long. Deep breath.

Here's the deal: My father is... not my father. I don't think of him as a father figure, the fact that we share genes baffles and annoys me. Here's how it went down tonight.

He came home from his stupid karate class, and the house was "a mess" so he started screaming and cursing and waking people up to clean. I go up and try to calm him down. He's convinced that we don't take as much pride in the house as he does. Fact. He thinks we don't care if the house is a pig-stie. Fact. He thinks we don't respect him. Fact. Welcome to living with 4, count them, 4 teenagers.

He has no idea how to deal with his emotions. He gets easily overwhelmed and started ranting and bringing up points/misdemeanors from, literally, weeks ago, because they're still bugging him even though it's been taken care of. So, he shouts/gets mad because that's the only way to get a reaction. Hello, he's done that since we were little. I'm not going to lie that's the only time I take him seriously, because I fear for the safety of myself and my brothers! He's trained us to only react to that.

No, we don't give a shit. Then again, neither does he. He doesn't care about my theatre. He doesn't care about Eli's BMX. He doesn't care about Jay's cooking. He doesn't care about Andrew's math. He's never there (he travels) and never has been, so how can he expect us to respect him as a permanent member of the house if we've grown up with him coming and going? It's bull shit. He refuses to realize that we are not the stepford-children, nor were we raised in a 3rd world-country (as he was), nor are we not influenced by other people and our friends.
He doesn't respect us, he doesn't deserve our respect, and he doesn't, in my mind, qualify as my father so why do I give a damn that he wants me to take "pride in my house". I honestly don't care. I clean when I can't handle how messy it is. Otherwise, what the hell ever. There are more important things in life.

He's had the audacity to call me fat to my face. He's told me my friends, especially the gay ones, are the "bad crowd". He's the one who would leave me to walk an hour home because, even though he promised to pick me up from like, hell, girl guides meetings or basketball practice, because he fell asleep or got talking on the phone. He's thrown out my clothes, claimed things I've bought with my own money. He doesn't realize that ALL of his children are scared, mad, and scarred by/at him.

No wonder he raised a gaggle of liars. Me, with all this shit. Eli (14) and Jay (16) smoke weed, Jay drinks and I'm sure has done a lot worse, they both have been arrested at least once. Andrew (12) is passive aggressive, breaks down, goes threw self-hating periods were if he were to spill a cup of water he'd cry and call himself an idiot. My mother has been on anti-depressants for 3 years. Then there is me. No one knows how I keep my cool, how I handle it... If they did... we'd all fall apart.

I'm tired of being the psychiatrist for my family. I can't handle it. I figure if I switch that out for school, grade 12, university... I can still handle life. I can't do both. School hasn't even started and I can't handle family as it is. But I want to be able to so badly. I want to be there for everyone, and to talk my dad down from a near-violent state, and to gossip with my mom, and to just be in the same room with my brothers when something has gone wrong.

I have a fall check up with the doctor and I really, REALLY wish I had the stregthn to ask for a consult about anti depressants or something... but I can't stand the idea of my parents or anyone knowing. And, lets be honest, I'm so painfully textbook the dots would connect. I can't screw up this year. I can't. I can't. I can't. But any way I look at it right now, I will.

Tomorrow I am party hopping. I want to drink. I want to gorge. But I won't because I'm in control again. I WILL get back to 138 before school starts. 5 days. By whatever means necessary. I have to run, I'm biking around tomorrow and my bike needs some work. I'm sure the father will have major things for us to do - regardless of the fact I work 8+hours and have plans already.

I still want to cut right now, but I won't, I'm safe now. Not much about ED right now, sorry, but it's all connected. As Ana Girl said last post (thanks, guys <3 <3 <3), which hurts more - the numbness of ana/ed, or the pain of real life? Right now, the numbness is worse. I can take the pain of real life, especially if I can control it. Oh wait...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Heart's Pounding

I know I've been gone for a while, and I'm sorry.
Long story short, I'm a fuck up.
Actual, legitimate, cold-hearted failure.

This week has been shit.
Yesterday was the first day in nearly a week I experienced actual emotion. Yesterday, and right now. Yesterday, it was joy. Right now it's hate. I hate.

Off to the lake... off to see friends who don't know me... off to be someone I'm not. I can't even... think. If I could feel the pain I should feel right now, I would want it to stop. But I don't feel.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Thank You

Before I do anything, I just want to sincerely thank everyone who has been commenting. Especially on that last post, pokerface, Dot, Ana's Girl, and Lily - you guys seriously are amazing. We all know how much comments help, so I won't ramble. But thanks. Also, thanks to the two new followers. Its unfathomable to me that 20 of you even once-in-a-while read this. <3

1)Holy freak is the 4th time I'm writing this post. Blogger hates me, keeps error-coding. This was much longer, and much more detailed and philosophical. Not anymore haha.

2) Trip was good. Speech hit my cold, dark heart because it was about achieving success through your passions. I realise I've desensitized myself so thoroughly I no longer know what passion is or what it feels like. So where am I in life without something I'm passionate about? I don't even know if I believe in passion, it's so much like love. Reception failed. Here's my outfit!

3) Eating was about that of a normal person. Longest time I've spent out of an ED mindset, half because I was nervous, half because after the speech my head was swimming. Felt good.

4) Today, I'm back in ED and we're having people over but I want to learn to control myself.

5) I feel good about myself today, so here are some updated pics. I couldn't find the matching top for this suit so deal. Have a lovely day. This was soo much longer, lol. Sorry guys. Front...
Hip bone!!!!"Achievement is not a destination; its a mindset." -Kreek.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I have little good to say about today.

-135 ilbs.
-Bought a tshirt that you can only wear with skinny jeans. Ergo, I have to buy skinny jeans. Ergo, I have to be skinny.
-Talked to E. more.
-Bought some cute business shirts.
-Was slightly productive.
-Fit into size 5. Last I checked, I was a 7/9. (Pants)

-only 20 mins of exercise.
-Didn't get enough done.
-Didn't get to sleep early.

Negatives far far outweight (literally, fuuuck. I was at 135!!!)

Tomorrow is my trip to the government house and the keynote address. I'm really really nervous. I'll take a picture of my outfit, and some pics while I'm there.

Thanks for the comments, I'll respond when I get back. Sorry, I've been freaking awful at this lately. I've been awful at everything.

Bruised and Broken

Terrible day yesterday - eating wise. It was going to be good. I woke up with motivation. Then again, I woke up to being called in to work. That was ok, but I had to scarf down something cause I was in a rush. Thankfully, I had the time to make a little orange lunch. I have this thing with matching colours of food if I can. Anyways, I threw some sweet potato and carrot and salsa (maybe 1 1/2 cups max all together), and a small apple for a snack.

Work was good and busy.

Got home and that's where the bad news started. I came home and planned to have a fruit/veggie bowl of sorts and call that it. But then, my parents made spinach, herb chicken, cream pasta. Barf (except it was sooo good). Anyways, I took just a little cause I wanted some and I wanted to try the new "eat a little to avoid a binge" policy. So did not work. Half because my mom served me her left overs with the "You're so little" excuse laced with the "Eat it, or else." I'm pretty dang sure she knows I was fasting, which is a bummer, but she's just keeping an eye now. Having two problem children is not something she wants, and she knows I can interpret signals pretty damn well.

So I ate it. And then ate some more because, well, what the heck. Fuck. THEN had a shit load of watermelon. I know I overate because I'm all bloated and indigestion-y. Any regular person would lay off food, or at least go lighter, when they feel like this. But I can't, because Hawk-Eyes is watching. It's almost the start of school... I'm too busy to deal with this publicly.

I'm scared to get on the scale this morning.

I was starting to see hip bones. I was starting to thin out (even my stupid thighs).

I always ruin it. This is how I feel right now, I'm all 3 of these people.

EDIT:: Scale is right outside the shower I had to step on. 133. What the fuck? I haven't eaten anything today... but I've drank a ton of water. That's so so so wrong. We'll see what happens tomorrow, then I'll update real weight... what the friiick.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Day 3 Sucks

FYI, after signing off last night, I continued to surf the internet and jitter around (even though I knew I had to get up in the morning), so I kind of amped myself up to a minor anxiety attack @ 1 am. Lovely, no? Insomnia is fantastic.

Anyways, Day 3 was a success on the fasting front, a failure everywhere else. I can't even begin to explain how much fitting room intimidated me today - it was super busy, so I should be good, right? Wrong. The woman I was working with didn't speak (hardly) any english, so I couldn't ask questions without her just grabbing stuff from me and doing it herself. And, I'm still learning departments and what not, but they put me on close alone for 5 hours... on a saturday. How does this make sense? Anyways, cue my perfectionism, ocd, ed-mentality over-emotional reactions. I just got worried about making mistakes, so I made more because I preoccupied. Ugh. Worse, I was dehydrated because I woke up late and ran to work (making a rather bloody mess of a blister too), so the hunger was very much so there, as were the body aches.

The fun fact that's keeping me going is that apparently by doing my 6 hours of light work while standing I can burn 1000+ cals.

Babysitting, thank god, fell through.

Annoyed that my weight is still 138. Three days and nothing.

I'm being short here cause my parents are home, and I should be asleep (it was the "I'm sooo tired" excuse to avoid McDonalds take out). Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight. I want to keep it below 500 tomorrow... but it'll be hard. Restricting is infinetly harder than fasting. And both parents are home - so I'll just have to not be home. Movie, maybe? night all <3 stay strong.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Such a great day...Day 2 Down

Hey everyone =D I laughed so hard at the comments left on my last post! What on earth is happening to our society? Also, new follower, hello and welcome. 18, wow. <3 <3 <3

So, as the title suggests, Day 2 of fasting was a success... Even though I kind of cheated with some Coke Zero and 0 cal mints. It's all still 0 cals, but artificial sweeteners blah blah blah. It's alright though. The one thing I hate about fasting is the water weight retention. When I weighed this morning, I was up at 145 (which is so not right), then dropped to 140 by mid-day, and I'm sure is less now but I can't get at the scale. What is up with that? Actually, does anyone know why, while fasting, your water weight fluctuates so much? Or is it just me?

I haven't done this well fasting, or been this positive about it...ever. I know what the factor is too - it's work. Right now, we're really busy, and today we had like 5 people call in sick. I was supposed to be putting new merchandise on the floor, but I think out of the 8 hours I worked, I spent 3 hours doing that. The rest of the time was spent covering breaks, going on cash, running to fitting rooms, doing price checks - everything! I love that. I love not having time to think, and more so, I love being needed. It's a little pathetic, and it's probably why I can never say no to people, but I have this serious, pathological need to feel worth and feel needed wherever I am. So, when I hear a call on the intercom for me, I feel this quick, uplifting happiness. And when I did maybe have time to think, I was too busy being a perfectionist. I don't know if anyone here has ever been to a Winners, but it's kind of like a consignment store in that there is everything, everywhere, and there is always more stuff to make room for - so it's never 100% organized or even 80% organized. It's very OCD of me, but, for example, working in shoes and being told to just pick shoes off the ground so it is easier for the morning staff to clean and not worry about if they're in the right section... oh it kills me! KILLS ME. Between being OCD in a perpetually unorganized store and being busy and running everywhere, there is no time to think about hunger or to get depressed.

I work again tomorrow, and I haven't hit the wall of depression that fasts usually entail for me, so if I can sneak around my dad in the morning, I will fast too. Actually, the hardest part of tomorrow is going to be avoiding food after closing at Winners - because a friend-of-a-friend is picking me up right from there to come babysit until who-knows-when. I'm terrible for taking advantage of the "eat anything you want" policy of parent-partiers. I'm bringing my laptop, so hopefully they have internet and I'll be able to distract myself with internet, tv and exercise. Wish me serious luck on that one.

If you can't tell, I'm feeling the cleansing energy and happiness of today. It's actually the first time in a long time I've truely felt anything. I spent my entire childhood... pretty much right up until this years year-end cast party in June, hiding my emotion, bottling it, being content feeling perfectly numb. It's hard, now, to feel anything. Most of the time, even on this blog, when I say "I feel" something, I am regurgitating what I think I should feel. I'm trying to break myself of the habit. Being known as the cold-hearted bitch is no fun.

Speaking of being a bitch, the bestest parts of my day were when one of my co-workers (who's the big-latino stereotype - big hair, big makeup, big earrings, big accent. Love her) teased me about falling into a customer, and how he probably didn't even feel it, I was so skinny. The second best part was when I got an email from E. And how he ended it telling me how "spectacular" I look in a bikini. I don't even have the hate in me to refute it =D

Sorry no picture today, I transferred my pictures to my external hard drive by accident. This is one of my favorite paintings though, so it'll do.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Size Kids-7 Designer Sandals/ Day 1

Okay, I have to give a little rant here - so, sorry. So most of us pay attention to fashion, celebs and beauty trends, right? Riddle me this. Since when do 8 year olds need/care about/want 130$ designer shoes?!?! I was organizing shoes today, and this 8 year old (gues-timation) was throwing a bitch fit because her mother wouldn't buy her designer (Prada maybe? I forget) sandals! She needed them for school. If her mother didn't buy them, she wouldn't ever talk to her again. The vastly less expensive ones by A&E (Like, 16$ maybe) were, and I quote, "Fucking shit" and "Not special enough".

Technically, I am part of this generation, but WHAT THE HELL? I wanted to slap that kid upside the face and be like, "When I was your age, if I had shoes that fit I was happy!!! You tool!!!" I sighed and ignored it until, get this, the child pulls out a BLACKBERRY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What in the jesus?!?!

Sorry. /rant

Fasting went splendid today, though it was bad planing for the beginning of the day because I slept in and didn't have time to hydrate. For anyone who has fasted/will fast knows the importance of hydrating while fasting! About half way through the day, around 3, I had my lunch break and downed like 2 cups of chai tea and a litre of water. I was happy and now I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow.

These three days will be so great, and hopefully I'll be able to get back on track. 5 ilbs is a lot, but I'd love to get down to 135 by Sunday... I'm working full 8-hr shifts these next few days, in the middle of the day to the evening and parents aren't home in the morning so I have no monitoring...which is the only reason I'm able to do it. I'm extremely sensitive to the "I'm disappointed in you" look, and my mom is sooo good at it. My dad...well he can go die. I'm sure one day he'll piss me off enough to explain why I have so many issues with him, but it's making me angry just thinking about the subject so lets not.

Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to make it to the gym in these next days because of the fasting and the work hours. It sucks, and I'm seriously craving it. It's raining here too, so biking is out. I'll walk to and from work, which is at least an hour and then walk the dog... do some sit ups and squats and what not, but it's not much. I guess even 200 calories worth of exercise is still good though, since there is nothing going in! I'm terrible at over-doing it while I fast too, and I'd rather not black out in the public again - so I guess it's a good thing.

I came up with another idea for the photo shoot - which by the way, thanks everyone for your support! I'll totally need it when the date come, cause watch me be a nervous wreck! In grade 7, I shaved my head for kids cancer research, and raised 3000$+ for the cause. I still have a few of the beanies and hats that I wore while I was bald. It was an experience that changed my life, I proved to myself I could do whatever I wanted and that I could be confident. It was a test, really. And, of course, I had lost people to cancer. Looking back now, since my grandpapa has died, the experience is even more potent. So, in maybe the last few frames, i'll mess my hair up really good (I can make it go sudo-afro) and wear one of the hats. I really like the idea, it's very special to me.

I've been terrible at reading all your blogs ladies and gentlemen, so i'm off to do so!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

*happy dance*

Guess who got booked for a shoot?

It's extremely informal, I do my own make up and styling (which is SO exciting), and bring my own props to represent my interests and accomplishments. Ooommggg. The photographer was so great and hilarious and flaming.

I have a few weeks to think - I'm definitely bringing my camera, but what else? How do you represent social justice, volunteering, youth voice, and stage management?!

On a worse note - eating was terrible today. I'm fasting tomorrow, and maybe the next day, and if I can get away with it the day after too. It's just so much easier to not eat anything at all.

<3 Thanks for the comments everyone!

138 & Catchup

Thaaaaats right, down 2 ilbs. Thank JESUS. It's not much, it's not much at all, but it's still something! There isn't much better than losing again after a week of plateauing. I'm really pleased too because of the crazy eating of the last few days while I was away, I was scared I was gonna be back at my start weight. I have a secret hope that more of it will drop once I get regular again (tmi?). I swear to god, fruit and veggies and whole grain are foreign words to my east-coast family (love 'em, but really?!). White toast and eggs and bacon for breakfast, grilled cheese or sandwiches for lunch and big, extravagant dinners where the only veg on the table is the salad...slathered in dressing! From even a normal persons point of view, there is a serious lacking of fibre here!

I apologize to everyone for two reasons; one, for missing a few days here and leaving you with such a terribly titled post, and two, for how long this one is going to be! I did have this long list of things to talk about, things that dawned on me while away - but I've lost it, so we'll see.

The plane ride home was a roller coaster of depression, you're so bored all you have time to do is think about everything. I was, at one point, watching this show called More to Love. It's essentially The Bachelor for over-weight/ "curvy" people. I actually got very emotional. These beautiful girls crying and sobbing about never being loved for the way they looked, giving examples of the cruelty of our vain, image obsessed culture. I related to them, because the "fat people deserve love too" mentality is something I cling to... Then I look at the numbers, 5'5 and 190ilbs and up, and I realize I'm thin to these people. I should not have these thoughts of hate. I felt very annoyed with myself for not loving myself - they can, why can't I? It makes me wonder... ok, even if I am not over-weight, I have the same experiences as these big big girls - what the hell is wrong with me?!

And then I started thinking about E., the reunion-guy. He's a teddy bear, not obese by any means, but over-weight sure. He also has severe plaque psoriasis (I have a minor case myself), yet when I remember him now, I still think he is very handsome. When I was around him, I was constantly thinking, "How are you this confident?". I'm a hopeless romantic, if you can't tell. We're not going to go anywhere, but he's certainly one of those long distance friends who you connect with and will call first instead of people who you see every day.

When I turned the channel, I landed on Intervention. One of the addicts was a bulimic stripper. When she spoke of her life, her hate and her reasons for "filling the void". I got really upset because I began to admit to myself that I had no good reason to be so hateful of myself, I had no good reason to starve myself or to self-harm. So, I must be a selfish, vain bitch. Cue cycle.

Then, just because I'm a masochist, I turned to Say Yes to the Dress. Can someone say love, marriage, and loneliness fears?

To add to all of this, there was a baby in front of me who screamed the entire way and I had a major allergic reaction to hell knows what. My face broke out in hives (lovely) and was hot and itchy. I had a hard time breathing. Everyone was asleep, thankfully, so I just sat through it. The pain distracted me sometimes.

Yesterday was a bit of a disaster, I was going to fast and then my mom started to make ribs. I knew if I wanted to avoid it, I'd have to make something to eat myself. But then she just kept looking at me, glaring with that all-knowing mom-glare, so I had something else... and more... and more... it wasn't a terrible binge, probably 800-cals, but still not happy. I went babysitting and didn't eat anything and did situps/bicycles/etc for an hour. When I got home, my lovely brother had brought home 4 pizzas for dinner. I couldn't resist chew-and-spitting (my only method of "purging") like 3 pieces. Disgusting.

I'll update later again tonight because my modeling interview is today. It seems very informal and there isn't a weight/height requirement so I don't really know what to expect. I'm freaking out about it, but I plan to avoid as many carbs as possible and keep cals low low low. I have lots to do, so no gym time for me, but I will do the 45min walk to the bank, then walk to the drugstore, then home, so all in all it should be a 1hr30min walking day + some body exercises.

Here's a recent (and still gross) pic of me. I really need to lose those thighs! But I need to put it up so I can have a before and after. The other pics of this post (I hope they kept you slightly interested!) are some of my favs from this trip. Isn't my cousin gorgeous? Her eyes are spectacular. Anyways, I'll be back later I'm sure. Wish me luck, lovelies.


Monday, August 3, 2009

Quickie (you know you like it)

That there is about the extent of my ha-ha mood right now.

I'm just sitting in the airport, trying to avoid the anxiety of the thousands of eyes around me. The trip was great on several levels, and terrible on others - I'm sure I don't have to elaborate. When I have time, I'll go in to greater detail. Despite the obvious pitfalls and depressors, this trip left a lot of time for reflection. More, again, later.

I'm still alive-ish. Plane is here.

HI new followers too <3

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Lets start with a lie...

So this one time I met someone at a family reunion (don't worry, we're not related), who lives hours away and I'll probably never see again... And... I don't know if I really like him, or if he just mystifies me. Maybe a little bit of both. I'll have to sleep on it, and see how I feel in the morning.

I feel like I'm tied to two horses.

Horse#1- Hate. (the part that's convinced he couldn't like me, I was just the only girl his age there, why not? fat, fat, fat, ugly, ugly, failure...)

If each of 'em pull just as hard.... what'll happen to me.

20 questions: His first, what's your favorite food?
Me, um.


First, my apologies to my new followers - hello, you rock. 14, wow.

Well, welcome, and here's looking at me - a total and utter failure. I can't even...imagine the number of calories I consumed last night. I can't even... muster the enthusiasm to think about the modeling interview when I get back, they're just going to laugh and turn me away... McDonalds is two doors down!

I had compulsively over-eaten before dinner, then had so much food (stayed away from buns/burgers though... not even a small victory) and dessert. Before 6pm I had a mask on. Something to hide the hate, something glossy over the fake smile while one hand pinched the fat and another shoveled food in. By the end of the night, I even considered tried to purge in my grandmothers home. How pathetic is that? I am so disgusted with myself right now.

Excuse my french but fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I've undone all my work. Weak, worthless fuck.

Now it's time for a the traditional family brunch - eggs, pancakes, french toast, hashbrowns and traditionally, cake. I'm cringing. I can't stand it.

But watch me eat it.

Fuck "self-medicating".
Fuck trying to be happy.
Fuck excusing it.

I've failed.
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration