Sunday, June 28, 2009

Olive Garden

Its been a week of eating out, chilling, working out and secrets. I'm very tired, I was at a sleepover last night (restrained myself slightly, loaded up on veggies but binged on icing. Eff) which resulted in a grand total of 3hrs of sleep.

I didn't work out today - though I needed to - and I can totally feel it. Its crazy how negative, how much more intense it hurts when you don't exercise in a day (esp. since lately I've been burning upwards of 650 cals per session).

I am happy going to bed tonight though - it was my dad's 50th today and we went out for our bi-century family dinner. I feigned cramps/stomach issues all day in order to get away with ordering a serving of Minestrone soup (only 100 cals!) for an entree, having a few bits of kalimari (max 100 cals) and a bread stick and a half (my worst at about 200 cal). Not spectacular at all, but considering other entress (the next lowest was 380cals) were upwards of 1000 cals, I did well!

I'm excersing for at least 2hrs tomorrow, plus lockers stuff which is lifting. Work those biceps~ Then going to the lake and swimmin' which will burn more too. This weekend was a blur of shitty eatting, but this week will be better. I've lost about 2 pounds so far in a week so that's ok

Thursday, June 18, 2009

keeping track

I don't know if I can stand to start counting again - yet.

But I think I need to reflect....

Today I Ate:
-2 pieces banana bread: 150
-omlette (2eggs, 1tbsp salsa, 2 mushrooms, sploosh of milk): 250
Throughout the day
-grapes : 200
-baked fish (no bread): 140
-orange : 70
-1/2 cucumber : 22
-carrot : 30

I did:
-20 minwalk :(-)77

Balance: VERY approx 785.
Probably more than that.
But still.
Just gotta keep this up for a little while.

Hovel Day

I spent the day in bed/watching the computer (I am in LOVE with True Blood).
I don't know what the issue is. Or why I ocouldn't move today.
I'm suffering with skin-allergies right now. It sucks, and it makes me look worse... but in a sick way I like the swollen-rashy face I now sport. People comment on it instead of what I'm wearing... that means they're not looking at my body. So that's ok.
I did okay on my Social exam, math - I have no idea. I'm scared.I had post-test anxiety like hours after wards which means I know I did badly.

Also, official proper weigh in is an absolutely disgusting 147.

Tomorrow is a busy day, running around and partying. But, I'm good with that. As long as I am out of the house. Going to go pick up Chem stuff too...

I'm just rambling now,I don't really have a point to this.

My chiropractor offered me a casual position as a receptionist today... that made me feel really good. He's so nice. My back is a mess though. I'm kind of scared to lose weight because it means that he'll notice and probably tell my parents... or maybe he won't. Least of my concerns.

Damn allergies. I'm off to bed after... 10 hours of being awake.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Numb is an understatement

I don't think i've ever felt so numb in a day before.

I can't think. I can't concentrate. I can't think... even more then ever I can't think. Sluggish...

I spent last night... all morning thinking about him. Thinking about what he didn't do to me. And how much it actually hurt... how much it actually effected me.

Then, I spent all day, all evening watching videos with plotlines revolving around eds... especially bulimia. I'm watching one now about cutting. I feel all this pain, I identity with these characters but I'm not doing what they are... it makes me feel like I either shouldn't have the pain, or I should be doing it.

I've never so seriously considered puking before. For the endorphins... and because I know I'll never be able to go back to what I was before... having deficits of hundreds of calories daily. I can't see myself back there.

But I want my body to be. I want something to be perfect because... I'm getting worse. My grades, my lifes, my future, my motivation... used to be so good and all I lacked was the beauty. I was okay with that because I had everything else. And now I don't. Now, I couldn't care less, nothing matters even though I desperately need it to. So what am I now?

A fat, horrible-skinned, average-grades, self-conscious, lazy, jobless idiot.

No one wants that.

Why would they.

I need a friend who I can talk to about this. I need someone who wouldn't judge. I need someone who would encourage me. Because... my friends make fun of me for being "anorexic" right now. they don't know that I was... or how bad it hurts when they say that because I really truly wish I was.

I've started working out more. Its a start. I just want to be wanted. I want to get those grades. I want to get a job. All these goals that I just can't fulfill.

Failure hurts so much. I just can't even do anything about it.

I insult my friends, I alienate myself, I wallow because I don't know how much more I can stand. If I lose it on someone or on myself, I don't know what the repercussions of that will be like. And I'm not sure I really care.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


The end of the year is upon us.

I reflect on everything that has happened this year, and I get this overwhelming sense of failure and disappointment. No boyfriend. no job. no maintained weight loss - even worse no more self-confidence. This year has changed... destroyed me. Maybe destroyed is not the best word.

I used to be this super chatty person - now I find it hard to hold a one-on-one conversation. I don't know why. But... especially because I'm scared that I'll tell someone something I don't mean to. As much as I am concerned with other people's image of me, I also don't want them knowing I care. I also don't want any attention, but at the same time I want someone to pay attention....

Its sad to think that the statement "I used to be okay with myself" is a lie. I hated myself in Jr. High, I just didn't relate it to life. No... every time I fail, or get a mark back or someone makes a comment... everything springs. its the only time I feel like I am thinking any more. Otherwise, life is a blur. It's numb.

I've gained a lot of weight, beyond even healthy - much beyond goal.

I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I swing in and out. I certianly have the mind set, just not the motivation to actually do it. I'm an emotional eater. Binge eater. But with the mind of an anorexic.


Those numbers are... nothing like any other ana. 100ilbs. What I wouldn't give. But I can't do that. I'm 5'9", I nearly passed out at 122. In my mind, I want to be 130. That's perfect for me. But, I know that 135 is healthy. And therefore justified.

Even knowing that, I can bring myself to restrict again. it was hell... I think. Truth is I don't even really remember when I was doing the fasts, when I was restricting and exercising like mad... I don't remember what it felt like. I remember what it was like to feel LOOSE jeans that are now tight.

I guess, when thinking about all this, the next thing is how none of my friends noticed. And how no guys did either. I hang myself up on the unattainable. FML.

Gr.12s are done tomorrow. Most of my friends, the ones that have carried me through the year are leaving. What will I do without them next year? I don't know. I really, really don't.

I need to sleep (becoming less and less restful).
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration