Sunday, November 8, 2009

I just spent about 2hrs going through almost every possible outfit for tomorrow... there isn't even anything special going on. I just had SUCH a good weekend, I want to go back and look... refreshed and rejuvenated and ready.

Nothing fits right anymore. It doesn't look right. I meant to come on and talk about my inspiring weekend, how I think I now have a career path and a new direction for this week, this month, this year.

Instead, I came home and the inspired activity died... died... died.

I look pregnant.

It's not even ED. My own mother commented on my appearance. My weight is ok - 143. Pretty low on my 140-150 scale. Except where I used to be muscular, I'm fat. I haven't had a stomach for years. It brings back so many painful memories.

I'm now up 3 hrs past my bed time. My room is trashed. I've lost motivation. And I want nothing else than to either dive into chocolate, food and greasy carbs or to fast for weeks upon weeks. I could fast tomorrow. I want to. But that's no good anymore.

Hopefully, I'll have the strength to actually talk about life not my own stupidity - I allowed this to happen. I need to change everything. I just don't know if I can.

Know what I need? A relationship. Something to constantly motivate me to look good, care about others instead of focusing constantly on myself... someone to reassure me when all I can think is - " Wow, I can't believe I ever thought I could succeed. I'm so delusional. " Someone to hug me out of support, not pity or sympathy or moral pressure or a joke. Someone I look forward to seeing, who I can smile for. That's all I want. Support that comes from affection and attraction and genuine concern, not just blind friendships or obligated bloodlines.

But no one would do that. No one will be that. No one ever will. No one ever has.

Is it too much to ask?

1 comments:

foreignobject said...

You're a beautiful girl ( I know, I've seen the pictures) and you're blessed with a tall body and a lovely shape. If boys aren't drooling all over you, my guess is that it's because you intimidate them. Brainy girls are scary in a boy's mind, because men are raised to believe that they are stronger and smarter than women (or at least ought to be). When a woman doesn't live up to their expections of being beautiful, naive and helpless it makes them feel like less of a man.

I'm not saying you should change yourself. Hell, I wish I'd had the energy to do all the extracurricular stuff you're doing when I was in highschool. What I'm saying is you should look outside of highschool for a relationship. You're such a mature, beautiful and caring girl that any guy would be lucky to snatch you up. You may have issues, but almost everyone does. everything is relative, even pain. And if you find yourself an older guy who's got a tad more life experience than those highschool guys, the odds are he'll have a better understanding of you and why you react and behave the way you do - simply because he's had the chance to interact with more people and therefore has been confronted with a variery of Problem Buffets.

It's not too much to ask. Unfortunately they never come when you look for them. Bastards, eh?

I'm sorry to always write such lengthy comments. I really like reading your stuff.

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