Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I don't even know where to start with the last 24hrs - it has been so up and down.

In hindsight, it was a good day. Going through it... that is not what it felt like. I was so worried about C. and I was fighting with my parents (apparently me having meetings and working is now an issue because they "miss me". I call bullshit, they need me to help finish the basement and I'm the only damn person in the house they can trust to do it when they aren't home. Guess what? I'M BUSY and you can't rely on me for every god damned thing. No, you know what? I don't want to hug you. I'm mad at you, I don't consider you my father, I don't respect you, I'm not comfortable with hugging you and, hey, you comment on my size every time you do hug me. So, obviously I don't have any reason why I DON'T WANT YOU TO HUG ME. And, you know, I would LOVE to come to the memorial with you tomorrow, but I have 2 essays, a project, a birthday party and a meeting tomorrow. Sorry I have a life, grades to maintain and friends. FUCK. /rant.)

The Remembrance Day assembly appeared to go swimmingly, but I made several rather large mistakes such as skipping over a performance, pronouncing "Reveille" as "reptile" (apparently) and saying "amphibian" instead of "amphibious" vehicles. I know no one noticed, but my heart was racing all day from the embarrassment and the anxiety that someone else DID notice. At least, unlike previous years, I felt decently OK in my outfit and remembered to not wear high heels as that is ALL you can hear in the echoy gym.

Meetings and the rest of the school day went fine. I was exhausted as I waited for a few friends to go to yet another meeting after school downtown. I don't know if I blogged this, but last Sunday I went out to dinner with some old hommies. J, one of my buds from Gr. 6 (yeah, we're cool), was making fun of my "drinking problems". No one else in the group drinks at all - and I don't either really, they were referring to a rather hilarious facebook message with far, far too many text slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs.) He then proceeded to ask if I drank beer. I don't. He laughed and said, "Oh! that's good - cause you gotta watch your figure you know."

On one hand, I know he's kidding. He also was under the impression I was planning to do more modelling and he's someone who would apply that knowledge in conversation. So, I get that.

I blew it off, but secretely mulled over it for hours that night - did he really mean it? Is it that obvious? Blah, blah. ANYWAYS, he made the comment again when I refused CurlyFries post-meeting. I was tired, pissed, worried and anxious from the meeting and the idea of going home to mad parents so I kind of blew up at him. By "blew up" I mean telling him to stop or I would kick him in the shins, refusing to talk to him on the way home and ignoring his "Lol, did I make you mad?" texts. Super mature, I know.

Whatever. I'm not actually mad at him. It just brings back this whole thing... I forget about it when I'm around that group because they've known me for so long.

Anyways - as suspected - angry faces awaited me when I got home. Disappointed tones, guilt-tripping compliments and the dreaded "Don't you love _____(your father/me/your family)?" question. It was wonderful.

I escaped to my room with every intention to at least do homework or clean. I didn't. Imagine that.

Wow. And here I thought I had nothing to say about today. Intake approx: 1800 prob. So, not great at all. Kind of avoided conversation by eating at dinner - always having a full mouth... I know I'm being immature about everything right now. It just seems that everything is happening at once... I can't slow down and process it. Everything seems to be working against me and what I need to happen in my life.

I've had about 6hrs of sleep over the last 3-ish days. Hopefully, I can sleep a little longer tonight. It's probably part of my problem.

Much loves <3


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