Saturday, October 24, 2009

Lies


If I'm not 200ilbs tomorrow, I will beyond surprised.

I can't... I hate feeling weak. That is how I feel. Constantly. When I eat, I am weak. When I don't eat, I am physically weak.

I'm realizing I haven't cut in almost a month. Maybe... maybe that is what I need. Maybe I'm not feeling anything. Maybe I'm so numb, I'm ignoring my own numbness. Maybe I'm too stupid, irrational and immature to have... to get what I think I want.

The walls close in around me, and I wish for little more than a little - just a little! - beauty from this pain.

My hope is fading, though. I fear, above all, this weakness.

Tears and blood and chocolate and pills can't help this now. I wish I could let it all go. Become who I want to be, regardless of how much it would hurt myself and others. Or, alternatively, become the exact opposite of what I want to be - give up. Regardless.

I need inspiration.

I need something to tell me - Clean your room, or else. Study, or else. Write that scholarship, or else. It should be me. But it's not.

/stupid. stupid. stupid/
/fat. fat. fat /
/worthless. worthless. worthless/
/liar./

1 comments:

foreignobject said...

Hi. I just now finished reading your blog from the beginning. I don't know that there's anything I can say to make you feel better or even feel at all, but I wanted you to know that I can really relate to how you're doing. I used to cut on a regular basis, but haven't for about two years now. I still get the urge sometimes. Last time was last week. It doesn't make me feel stronger because I resisted it, only weaker because I still want to. It's been a while now, so most of my scars are fading. I know that some of them will never go away, because I've cut so deeply or into other scar tissue. I regret ever having taken a blade to my skin. I want so badly to be beautiful, and it's my own fault that I will always be afraid of people noticing the scars on my legs instead of the shape of them.

Please stop cutting yourself. I know that you know it's addictive and you probably also know why (I get the feeling you're pretty good at bio and stuff), so I won't bother with a long explanation. But I want you to know that I care. I really, truly wish you would never do it again and it hurt me every time I read in one of your posts that you had.

I didn't intend to write this, when I clicked the comment button ... I don't know what i intended to write. I just want you to know that even though we've never met or spoken to each other, I care about you.

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