Sunday, December 27, 2009

Tracks end here

I can't even start this post right now. I feel totally, utterly, completely... worthless? That's what it is, I guess. It's the first word that came up. I actually don't know what I am feeling - besides tightness in my chest. And I don't know why it's making me cry.

Why should I expect anything different? My oldest friends, my friends who I can always count on for... god, I am lying to myself. They've all been asses to me at one point or another. They've ruined relationships. They've made me starve, they've made me cut, and they've made me hate. So why do I still cry over them? Why does it hurt so much when they abandon me?

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted to come to his birthday party."
Right, because I wouldn't want to come to the last birthday party I'd ever be around for.

"Oh, sorry. You were working. We didn't think you'd want to come exchange Christmas gifts."
Right, because after 7 years, I wouldn't want to give you all the final gifts before university.

"Oh, sorry. Next time, I'll respond."
Right, because when I send you a text saying "I need someone to talk to... please." you shouldn't assume I am having an anxiety attack while walking home alone.

Why does it hurt so much to know that your parents take you for granted?

Why does it matter that people can laugh and joke about forgetting about you?

Why does it matter if someone doesn't ask where your scars are from, especially when they too cut?

Why does it hurt more when you eat like a fucking pig....

When you gain weight...

When you realize that, above anything else, all you want is to be wanted by someone...

And that it will never happen because you're not worth a fucking cent.

Really, what would change if I wasn't here? I am so done. So done with everything and everyone. Especially myself. Mostly myself. Why can't I be HAPPY. Why can't I be NORMAL. Why can't I be anyone else.

Everything comes back to my body, my stomach, my scars. All of it would be ok if I wasn't fat. If I wasn't so stupid. If I wasn't me.

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