Flying through the Clouds

One of my favorite things about flying is the time you have. Maybe it's just me, but the feeling of suspension in the air, the marvel of being 40000 feet up in a metal-fibre-glass behemoth... it's so calming. It's like all time stops as you seemingly float through an endless expanse of white fluff, yet in the back of your mind you know you're speeding.

I didn't sleep most of the 5hour flight, maybe 40mins in total. I tried to read, but it was dark and the poor little girl beside me was so tired so I didn't want to turn on the light. Instead, I pulled out my notebook and drew... then started to write. Nothing in particular, just words and thoughts. Eventually, I started writing out some goals and motivations - obviously pertaining to my ednos mentality. Here is what I wrote:

(Thin)k goals
1. Gain nothing.
2. Lose 10ilbs before school.
3. Lose inches off thighs.
4. Get into a morning exercise/stretching routine.
5. Stop binging when bored and upset.
6. If you want a bagel, eat the bagel. You'll eat just as many calories trying to avoid it.
7. Find somewhere to post goals, inspo, reasons.
8. Take fashion, style, and modeling (see later in the post) seriously.
9. Reach ultimate goal of 120ilbs.
10. Do not cut. Do not purge.

Why?
Because
-Anytime I fail...
-Anytime I'm rejected...
-Anytime I'm left out...
-Anytime I remember I'm graduating...
-Anytime I remember I want to be valedictorian...
-Anytime I can't stand the pressure of perfection...
-Anytime I'm so busy I can't breathe...
-Anytime I stand on the scale...
-Anytime I ace that test...
-Anytime I take a step closer to success....
I have this.

Everyday I will start my day with:
One good thing -
On bad thing -
A really good thing -
Focus goal -
Big why -
Something to look forward to -

It's me self-medicating, but who knows, it might help.

I'm watching my aunt and mother unload groceries for tomorrow's big feast. Pop, chips, cake, burgers...oh, wait, there is some Fresca (best diet soda ever <3)... some fruit, veggies... tomorrow is gonna be hard. I did good today, max 600cals and half hour swimmin' around. Tomorrow will be really difficult, but there will be lots to do I hope, lots of food prep. I've promised myself that I'll go for a power-walk first thing tomorrow, and that'll wake me up and keep me motivated.

Anyways, on one last quick side note -I applied, on a whim of masochism, to a local photography agency who was in need of grade 12 models (I assume for something grad-eqsue) and they phoned back... I have an interview on Wednesday night. More motivation? It's scary, scary.

I also, in preparation for school and I guess now this crazy interview, I bought a fat cleanse system. Apparently it's super-effective and gentle... kind of wish I brought it now to get a head start, but it's only 20 days and I want to lead it up to school.

Freakin' out a little about tomorrow. Wish me luck and sorry I'm missing on all your comments/posts lately.

Anxiety Attack

I went to bed at midnight yesterday, and stared at the ceiling for an hour thinking. My heart started to race, I got cold and clammy and dizzy. I was thinking about university, about my academic and volunteer goals to get scholarships, about residence, about weight, about people (immature assholes, to be specific... thanks for the love guys, I totally agreed with you all!), my weight, celebs/models.

It has been... well, I guess about a month now since my last real real anxiety attack where I couldn't just mediated and let it wash over. I had to get up and research universities, look at pics, email around, think, draw up some poster designs. I ended up passing out around 4am, woke up at 9 and have been scared to get out of bed, even though I have so so much to do which is making the anxiety creep back - my heart is still racing.

On the bright side, I might fall asleep on the flight tonight... I've been running on low-sleep and low-food all week.

Did you know Mariah Carey is 140ilbs at 5'9"? I wish I could feel good about that.

Letharg-o-vision

Firstly - two more followers! Bonjour!, thanks, and <3 you all.

The light at the end of the tunnel. We've all heard the expression, usually it symbolizes hope and reaching a goal. For me, today, it was the complete opposite. The end of the tunnel was something to the get done, my to do list that grew throughout the day, and the tunnel was this dark, cold, awful place. Today, I couldn't muster the energy to do much of anything productive. After my friend got called in to work (yes! no cake!) I basically sat down and read, watched a movie, lazed on facebook, read some more... you get the idea. I played with my camera a bit, but, to add to my counter balance of reasons to not get out of bed, it was cold and rainy out side.

Weight went down to 139... does that even count? I don't think so. Especially because I didn't do anything today -sigh-. I was thinking about how I think I'm going to manage during this next week while surrounded by family and their food. Anxiety was creeping up on me, but then I thought back and realized that I am going to be ok. Main reason being, I hate eating food at other people's houses. Is that just me? I always find it... not awkward, but, I suppose, more mannered than eating at home... does that make sense? Probably not. What I mean is that, since you were a kid, at a friends house or at grandmas, you were taught that if you were offered a cookie - you took one, and only one unless offered another. You were taught it was rude to laze around or sulk - you had to get up and play with the friend, or make conversation or help clean! The more and more I think about it, maybe this trip will help me get on track even more. There will be 9 kids in the house, only 3 adults, then about 100 people for the actual reunion... who will notice what I do/don't eat? Lets be honest - no one. AND, like I said, it'll be mostly bbq but I have braces now... so no corn on the cob, no ribs, I don't eat steak or hamburgers...

Another big reason that I may find it easier to restrict while away is... well, this is a bit embarrassing, but being the small world it is, one of my crazy complicated relationship fatalities lives next door. I apologize, but there is no easy or short way to explain this so here's the dirt -

In grade 10, I got to know this guy named Niles, and he was in my Social AP class... along with my 2 of my best friends. Now, no lies, he and I had a serious thing for eachother. I was very shy, so was he, blah blah blah we never asked each other out - but my friends were constantly teasing us. So, one day, I get this text message; "Flip a coin.", from my two friends. My response, "For what?" Their response, "For everything or for nothing." Now, this is something they would do. Not thinking of it, I call the coin toss and I lost. So, without my knowledge, they start texting, facebook messaging and emailing Niles with messages like "Greene has the hots for you" and "You should ask her out" and "stop being a douche!". Needless to say, he stopped talking to me.

Over Christmas break I found out about this. Embarrassed, I called him and left a message saying sorry and that was it. I was pretty crushed, but I was getting over it... until I walked into French class 2nd semester and guess who was there. He sat in front of me for 2 weeks before we talked. That semester was hit and miss, we still flirted and worked together, but nothing happened despite less dickish pushing from another classmate.

That summer, whilst he was still on my mind, but only on the edges I found out, first hand, he had a summer cottage next door to my cousins in Nova Scotia. Terrific.

First semester grade 11 I had another class with Niles, an art class (who knew he was artsy?!). At that point, we flirted shamelessly and talked - the teacher even commented on it. However, I was getting a little tired of being pulled around and I could never get a straight answer out of him, so I started liking this other guy, Wizard. I sat between Wizard and Niles in this art class (I am amazing at compromising myself, aren't I?). LONG story of a semester short, Niles and I ended up working on a big project together. On the last day of class, we were talking and he said something about resolving his past and how he'd rather talk about shit that goes down than avoid it and never really know someone.

Sounds like he's leading me into talking about grade 10, right? That's what I thought. So, I brought it up. He clammed entirely, said nothing and left at the bell without giving me my copy of the project to hand in. Dick move even without considering the conversation bit. During the exam break we made 5, count them - 5, plans to exchange this "file" but he never showed up.

Our conversations since then have been limited to the occasional facebook conversation that lasts about 10 mins.

ANYWAYS, he knows when I'm there this week and he's said he'll come see me. Is it bad I still carry a torch for him? Either way, the moral of this is... I'll be in summer clothes and smite me down if I am bloated. He is a big provoker of the questions I ask myself often, Why not me? Why am I so scary? Why do guys hate me so much? etc etc. So, seriously, I need to look good - if not just to punish his stupid bum.

Reason 3 for thinking this trip will be easy, (yes I'm STILL talking about this), I hate hate hate flying with food in my stomach. I love flying, but for some reason my stomach reacts badly to it on take-off and landing (and last I heard, those were kinda important)...

Sorry for rambling. Someone commented on my last post about liking my writing style... you can take it back if you want now ;p Also, first pic from my new camera!

WHAT a day

It was another day of nose-bleeder heights, and serious lows. It's late and I have a ton of work to do tomorrow, so I'll keep this short (or to about a normal blog post length for the general person, ;p ).

Woke up and went for a 2hr bike ride. That's right. 2hrs, outside, in nature. It was spectacular. I was thinking as I rode (and didn't fall, imagine that!) about all the intellectual sounding metaphors and parallels I could use here comparing myself to the forest/prairies, and theories about how my perspective of time morphs when I'm outside... Naaaaah. It ended up being my only major exercise for the day - save for two walks - but still, it burnt approx 1000cals, and THAT is not counting the death-hills that...cause death. The park I went biking in is shaped like a W. Seriously, so painful near the end because there is this great looming mass of HILL to get home and you're like, WHY GOD, WHY!?!

Or maybe it's just me.

At that point, I was running late and grabbed a Luna Bar (either that or an oatmeal bar,100 extra cals!). It wasn't until the bus ride that I realized that was all I'd had. Felt great! I maintained that at my friends house, drinking only some green tea, until her lovely mother decided to make homemade cinnamon buns. Okay, so there is moderation and then there are cinnamon buns. You can't refuse someones mom, especially because this was the friend, Oce, who knew I was trying to lose weight blah blah blah. Anyways, no cream cheese icing which is the real killer anyways. Went for adventures in the local park, chatted and bitched. It was good, despite the mass of carbs and sugar in my empty stomach. It was one of those two hours where you feel like... a failure, but are forced to maintain the smile... so tiring. On a snide note, I was on the see-saw with Oce, who's so hot and gorgeous and athletic, and even though I know she's so much more muscular than me... it felt good to be the one in the air.

Then, and this is the best part, my mom picked me up and we went to buy my camera. I ended up getting the Canon Eos Rebel XS for about 680$ with a 3 year warranty and whatnot. I. Am. BEYOND. Stoked. I've been interested in photography for years, and it really my one creative outlet... kind of like giving a painter a brand spanking new set of 100 colour paints to replace an antiquated set of 20. I'll post some pictures once I play a bit. The sticker shock is getting me a little, but how I've worked it out with the 'rents is that it's a loan for about 400$ (i'm paying 300$ upfront), a privilege for being on the honor roll, and I'll pay it back in monthly 50$ increments. Not so scary anymore.

Tomorrow I'm kind of scared for because I'm having a girls day with one of my gay friends. We're baking, watching chick flicks and talking - he just got dumped. THANKFULLY I persuaded him to forgo the ice cream cake (original plan) and we're baking some low-fat chocolate angel food cake instead, with strawberries. I'll bike the 20 mins to his house, and back, so that with maybe a rollerblade should do me ok.

Still maintaining an annoying 140. I think I'll go down tomorrow though, I didn't eat much after the bun, just a small piece of lasagna and a small pear. I feel dizzy.

So much for a short update, sorry!

Grey Day

I've been having food/fasting/binge/weight dreams lately. My father or mother coming home with armfuls of creampuffs, toaster pops, ice cream and me devouring it all and popping out of my clothes. There was another were I woke up in the dream and went to weigh myself in and I broke the scale. In another, I was in an anorexia clinic. I was walking through these white-wash halls, glancing in rooms at these sick, sick girls, their bugged out eyes following me and talking -but I couldn't hear what they were saying, it was just monotonous buzzing- and I passed a mirror and I was slouched over, absolutely massive. I wake up thinking I've binged and feel absolutely terrible. They're just dreams, I know, but... There was another when I was swimming in a pool of pills (presumably diet pills).

Speaking of which, I've run out D=. Thankfully though, my mom bought more and she doesn't notice if I take a few. Recently, because a friend recommended them, I bought a bottle of Niacine pills. They are metabolism boosters of sorts, and my friend swears by them - she's lost like 40ilbs (granted, she is still about 50ilbs over weight). Tried one. Holy jesus. The Niacine flush is absolutely awful, even if it did work I couldn't stand the burning and flushing the chemical caused. It's supposed to happen, I guess, but still. Jesus it was uncomfortable!

Yesterday was a bit of a gong show - in a bad way. It was my brother's 16th and he got to choose what we would have for a family dinner. Lasangia and cheese cake. Shudder. I persuaded my mom to make a vegetarian version for me, but my idiot dad served a portion like 4times what I would have served myself - ugh. I ate about 3/4 of it, but then the same thing happened with the cheese cake. My family, especially my dad and this brother, J, have an extremely tense relationship and at the table my mom was glaring me down being all, "If you make a scene out of food tonight of all nights...." So I ate it quitely, but slowly. I just really want these last 10ilbs gone!

In more exciting news, and I mean really strangely exciting, I was invited - like legit invitation via snail mail - to a keynote speach by an ex-Olympian for International Youth Day... by the Governer General of Alberta! After the speach, we're going to the government mansion for a reception. Holy cow!!!! I'm so stoked. The weird thing is that I didn't sign up for anything International Youth Day activities, so I must have been nominated... but whoever did didn't tell me. Totally out of no where, but hey, I'm not complaining.

Later this week I'll be leaving for a family reunion (i'll still be posting, I'm bringing my laptop). I'm kind of worried because it means a lot of bbq food and shit. However, it also means a lot of time in bathing suits. Hopefully I'll get scared out of eating because of having to wear a suit everywhere.

Short-ish post, I should be cleaning right now. I have a story to tell you all about another nerve-wracking thing happening, but no time. I'm also gonna get my camera! Canon XS (pushing for XSi though). Yay!

<3

Everyday is spendliforous!

((EDIT:: Yay another follower! <3))

Oh! I don't even know where to start! These last few days have been so up and down, my head is in a whirl.

Firstly, and primarily why I'm in such a good mood (if you can't tell), is because I've maintained 140ilbs for the past 3 days, so I know that's where I am! It made me so unbelievably happy to be back to that number, because there is safe. I want to lose more, but, for now, here is safe and bottom line. NO MORE! Anyways, it was a perfect set up for my shopping spree today. I've had this 100$gift card to the local mall just stewing in my wallet since Christmas, but I haven't felt confident or happy enough to actually go out and shop till I drop. 100$ might not seen like much, but I shop clearance. The damage in the end was 1dress, 3shirts, 1shorts and 1cardigan. Then, my mom and I bought a pair of shoes we can both wear, but she paid.

It felt SO great to go out and have the confidence to slip into clothes and look in the mirror and find yourself looking GOOD in them. Albeit, there is still some problem areas (thighs, omg), but my stomach has slimmed down nicely. I even tried on a size 0 dress - and it fit everywhere except for around my hips. If there was 2 more inches of fabric... They only had a size 0 and a size 6, so oh well.

ALSO I went electronics shopping and I can get a Canon DSL on a payment plan for like 20$ a month for a year...I can TOTALLY do that. So okay with it. Means I can get an mp3 now and a camera now, but pay it off - I am working after all. My parents also FINALLY replaced my stolen bike with a nice, lightweight mountain bike/commuter bike. I can exercise more and get around easier now, so that's spectacular.

I just reread this post so far and it sounds so pathetically teenage. Not that it's bad... that's just not usually how I am... So now I have to speed-tidy my room and dress, then I'm off to a movie. I have more to say, but I have to run. Enjoy this little burst of girlishness - it rarely happens with me!

<3

(p.s this shot is one of my favs from Jamaica).

Revalations and resolutions

I know it's only one missed day, but for me, because I have ready access to the computer, to not update at least once a day is avoiding. I was avoiding and I apologize. I didn't want to post, I felt I couldn't post because I've been so horrid with eating and exercising these last few days. There is really no excuse for it either. The worst/best part is is that I haven't had the heart to beat myself up over it. Sure, after I finish eating, for a grand total of about an hour I have the urge to purge, but I have yet to actually bring myself to successfully do it. I've been standing over the bowl, finger in my throat, but nothing has come out. Writing this now is embarrassing and it's making my heart flutter with anxiety - I've not kept a promise, or fulfilled a goal. My head has been scattered, my thoughts so erratic and fast like lightening jumping from cloud to cloud. I had actually think about what I was going to write about here, and plan it out visually. Still, I'm already rambling...

The strangest thing happened yesterday, I was walking to the gym after work (so terrible, I hate cash. Too public, too engaging) and I was thinking about something random when I was about to cross the street. I checked over my shoulder to see if there were cars coming - and lo and behold a bus was driving down. Suddenly, this image of me throwing myself in front of the bus, blood spattering on the windshield, came to mind. It's not like I was anywhere near the curb, nor was I feeling suicidal, it just popped into my head. The weirdest thing is that after it did, I felt much better - not that I was feeling terrible to start with, but definitely down.

Between then and earlier today I've been thinking hard about why it is that my resolve has been so shaken. Why I've been allowing myself, encouraging myself even, to eat and eat and overeat so suddenly after I'd been having so much success, and I believe I've figured part of it out.

I've never been an impulsive person. Even as a child, from stories my mother tells, I thought about actions before I did them. As she says, I was a "poetic" child, content to kind of just stare at a leaf or a pond while the other kids swam or climbed trees. For some, the emotion of love, or frustration, or hate are overwhelming. For me, it's anger. It's the one thing I have an issue handling, one of the only feelings I react impulsively to. That is how my self-harm started obviously, and I think it has a part in my ED too because now, since the last time (I think it was friday) that I cut, I've been swinging between numbness and hopelessness, feeling little, and avoiding anything that would make me angry or being unable to get angry. Being disappointed or hating myself added to the anger that added to my body dismorfia and preoccupation with eating. But now, since my bloody release, I have no anger, so I've swayed from one extreme to another.

This numbness and hopelessness, instead, has manifested itself in an annoying lack-of-interest or care on my part. My usually organized room is a disaster, I haven't hung out with friends in days. I spent 4 hours on the lawn today, in front of a trampoline, reading because I couldn't be bothered to do anything else. The countless calls and emails and places I want to go are piling up and I get anxious about it, but not enough to do anything. I'm forget full, neglectful, and sluggish. I get like this often. I'm thinking this time, whatever this is, it won't last long because I'm already making plans to pull out of it. I need to get things done, and decisions need to be made. Somehow, I have to pull it together.

All this came about while I was thinking today - having time to just read or stare, albeit unproductive, is nice because I have the ability to come up with these connections about my own state of mind. I'm no psychologist, but I like that I can make the connection. Even when regarding my dysfunctional family and our many issues, when I tell my parents theories about why issues are issues in our house, or what to do about them, they look at me - dumbfounded, like I've just revealed something brilliant, when to me it's the simplest and most obvious thing. It's one of the reasons I've always kind of considered working in the mental health field.

Anyways, now that I've rambled on for... a little too long, I suppose I'll move on to the more trivial matter. Well, not so trivial. In an attempt to motivate myself, I weighed again before leaving for the gym-140. Then, I weighed at the gym, same clothes and before working out-144.5. Now, I know the scale at the gym is about an ilb heavy, like when nothing is on it and you set it at 0 it isn't level. But, talk about frustrating! Which should I trust? Or should I just average it out? My home scale is a bathroom scale, and the gym one is a medical one. Ugh. Either way, most of the binge weight is gone somehow - obviously water weight.

Tomorrow, I'm giving an orientation about one of my big volunteering exploits that I've been with since grade 8... so about 4 years. I'm pretty excited, for two reasons. 1) I go into this super energetic, strong, eloquent mood when I'm presenting and talking about volunteering things. 2) It forces me to go to the gym early and eat little. I don't know if I'll be counting calories tomorrow, I don't think I'll have the resolve for it, I certainly don't right now but we'll see. I also want to clean and reorganize my room tomorrow, there is a serious need for it!

Was driving home with mom from the gym, and she was praising me for all the motivation I give her to go to the gym and exercise. She was telling me how amazing it is that I have the will to care about fitness and health and nutrition at my age. If only they she knew. Cue guilt.

I love photography. The picture for this post is something I took last summer in Toronto of my Dad and my brother. They have the most volatile, idiotic relationship, yet when no one is looking... That's another thing. After working with Digital SLRs this year in Media class, I need need need to get myself a manual camera. My 5year-old 5.0megapixel Canon compact digital just aint cutting it anymore. They're so expensive, but I'm thinking that'll be my first major purchase with pay from Winners. Sigh.

Sorry for the length, thanks so so much for the comments. 8 followers!

Whirlwind

Until about two hours ago, my day was going spectacularly well.

At work, I was trained as one of the fitting room people, which I also adore. It's glorified coat hanging with actual interaction with people. It's fun and constant and fast, time flies by! I had only a bowl of reduced-sugar oatmeal (110cals) for breakfast and two carrots throughout the day (about 70) for lunch and snack, so I was on a pre-fast high. I had fun - even though the dang hangers broke 4 of my nails! Tear. I'll have to re-do them after this whilst I watch True Blood.

Then, I went to the gym right after and did an hour on the elliptical (-650) and some stretching, weights and abs for about 30 mins (-100). So I had had about a 570 cal deficit... which was awesome. So, feeling confident, I jumped on the legit scale at the gym.

FML. Guess who gained weight? Me.

To make it worse, we had people over tonight so we had bbq for dinner. I tried and tried to get out of it, but my mom made me eat something... thank fully I got away with a plain veggie patty (180), some veggies and a teeeeny tiny slice of pumpkin pie (apparently pie is obligatory, UGH).

So there goes my day. Tomorrow I really want to fast and if I can hold off past my meeting after work (so, for about 3 hours at home) and bs my way out of family dinner... life will be good. I got an at least 1hour Rollerblade promised to me, so that will also help. My mother considers me her motivator (she's about 40ilbs clinically overweight) so I can get away with dragging her ass around exercising, thank god. After I watch True Blood, I'm going for a walk/ trampoline.

Congrats to those who are fasting, and once again thanks for comments. Sorry to disappoint everyone, I promise I'll lose it all by the end of the week. <3

L-O-effing-L

Crappy eating day. Didn't worry about it until I sat down to blog. Weekends destroy me.

I've found a new motivator though. My friend and I want to host a Bollywood-themed party in my backyard later in August. As the hosts, he and I want to go FULL OUT on the costumes. Means belly showing, so it better be flat and toned by then other wise I'll look like a fool now won't I? It's a good motivator and it may even get me through the family reunion at the end of this month. I'll post a pic of the costume if it happens. I want it to be something like this... but in green.

I might fast tomorrow to get back on track. I hate cutting cold turkey though, so I'll probably have a 200 cal day, then fast Tuesday... sounds like a plan to me. I'm sorry I haven't been updating my weight, I'm kind of ashamed because at one point I was down to like 135, but then I yo-yoed back to 140 and have been keeping around there. So, I'll work out tomorrow then weigh and update (as long as it's down... I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't tho).

Went to a street festival and bought some coconut jewelry... and ALL 5 PIECES are broken. B-S. Totally crushed because I love coconut jewelry. I'll run to the local crafts store and whittle down some parts and try and make them work... Cause they're sooo pretty. I'll take some pics later. It was really fun and had some good food. I wore a strapless top (first time in.... ever) and I loved it because my shoulders and naturally prominent collarbones are something I love about my body. That made me happy.

Big work day tomorrow - my first real, 8-hour shift. I'm kind of scared, but i'm sure it'll be fine. This sounds weird, but the way the aprons are made, they're actually quite flattering! Camouflages the massive belly and creates a nice waist... oi that's sad.

The title refers to my friend, Oce, who is this massive female wrestler, totally buff and gorgeous but was forced to quit wrestling. I kind of half-told her about this back in January when I was intense into weight loss... and now she's having similar feelings. Oh jesus, this could be really good, or really bad. I laugh because she was very against my feelings about my body.

Karma is a bitch.

Party night

I ended up going to the party last night - and I'm very glad I did. I wasn't going to drink, and for the first bit I did well. Then, of course, the hot dogs, marshmallows, chocolate, chips etc were brought out. I thought, okay, I'm losing if I eat and if I don't. Lose-lose situation. In the end, I ate more junk than I should have. I also drank more than I should have. But, this morning, to my dismay I was okay with it (not so ok with this morning's binge, but we're not talking about that).

I haven't been tipsy in a verrry long time. Thankfully, I'm one of those people who get more and more sober/somber the more I drink. Not in a depressive way, just in a control way. It's all good, but in my head I'm buzzing. A feeling I love, but I don't do often.

Anyways, long story short it was a good night.

This morning, as mentioned, a big binge. Gym later, we just bought a new trampoline too (though I'm not sure how many cals that burns, if any) but I look forward to using that. I weighed myself (compulsively) while at the house party last night - how rude is that! - and with a full stomach of junk and alcohol I weighed 140-ish. Hahaha, SO so so so so wrong. I laughed. I feel like a whale, like I'm back to 170.

I'm to the point where I'm done being depressed about it, I have other things to get mad over. I just want to get it done, however means necessary. I need to get back in control and back into the motions of losing weight and succeeding in life.

I'm also sorry to anyone I worried with my last post. It's bad, I know. It's been a long time. But that's no excuse. I'm not proud. But I'm not ashamed either.

Oh, dear friend. How long it has been.

Got in a bad fight with my dad. Over his idiocy.
I was already teary, worried about this party and everything else.
I was crying angry angry tears, and cleaning my room.
Then, I found my old "sewing" pin cushion.
It's been a long time since I've carved.

I'd forgotten how much better it makes me feel.
Elated.
Happy.
Focused.

Waking up to a nightmare

When I woke up this morning, I was upset. I don't know why, or if it was because of a dream, I was just confused and anxious and just generally upset. It got worse throughout the morning - I could not find something to wear, my braces popped off and I had to run in before work, I was fighting with the mirror. Cried in the shower, for absolutely no reason what so ever. Ate too much breakfast.

I hid it masterfully at work, even though the idea of jabbing my eyes out with the pin-censors was vastly more appealing than going home, or going to the gym (which I can't do anyways because my MP3 is broken). Something was off though; I was slow, unable to focus, easily confused. I'm not even tired, but I feel like taking a sleeping pill and just giving up on the day. Speaking of which, I need to pop some diet pills. I should do that... That is one thing I love work for, though, it makes me forget - don't have to eat, don't have to drink or see mirrors or contemplate or text.

There is a party tonight, and at this point I'm going... but obviously that may have to change. I hate people seeing me depressed, or sad. I hate answering questions. I know a select few that are going, so that's good, I'm more nervous around people I do know. If I wasn't babysitting (which I'm glad to do), I would seriously seriously consider getting trashed - early. Just for the sake of it.

Glass Skin

My vision begins to blur
The glass sky, the color of the wind
The merry-go-round playing alone
I wave
My somehow faded voice is more important to me than my guilty conscience
Tomorrow I sleep, leaving myself behind
Emptier still than any tears of comedy
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
Here...

In the dark morning, I pretend the window to be a picture frame
I wake my sleeping skin and press my hand against this wet piece of picture
Spring blossoms and the petals fall, giving life to the river
Swaying from side to side, where will you go?
I put my hand on the heavy and closed door
The remains of the parade
The silence laughs along with the fact that I won't be sleeping again tonight
Emptier still than any tears of comedy
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
Here, let there be love...
The jokingly-dancing seasons endlessly hurt
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
And to be melted by the dreams I hold out

(I bleed as my way of compensating everything to you
How heavy is blood?
Happiness and sadness lies too close) (English)
The hand that will be born tomorrow, will be simply pure and nothing else
I can barely see you now with all these tears

Emptier still than any tears of comedy
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
Here, let there be love...
There is a ferris wheel, where I can look down and see you from
The melody that just comes crumbling down is also so sweet and beautiful, it's frightening
The shadow exposed by the sun is branded into my memory
and it touches my heart than any shallow words combined.

I'm rediscovering my love for Japanese music, especially punk/metal. This song is called GLASSKIN by Dir en Grey, and I just love it... The lead singers voice is absolutely spectacular. Foreign language music is something I've always loved because the sound is something so out-of-the-ordinary that I have to pay attention... and the lyrics... I do look up the lyrics, translate them, know the meaning, but the mood is more important. I make my own stories from what I know is going on, from what I know the song means.

/rant.

Today was... interesting. I went with my volunteering corp to present some information to Jr.High immigrants about volunteering and the benefits of it, both material, and personal. It was pretty basic, led a few icebreakers, talked about myself a little, participated in an activity... it got me thinking about these kids, mostly girls, and wondering where they would be in a few years. What high school would do to them, and what it wouldn't. Wondering if I was ever as bright eye'd, as full of energy and ideas, as accepting of others.

Then, I went to hang out with one of my friends; the one who's sister is an recovering anorexic. I always feel very guilty hanging alone with him, because he's... he's one of those people who will tell you every thing and anything except stuff that makes him feel bad. I.e his sexuality, his family, his weight, his sister, his anxiety disorder. I worry about him. ANYWAYS, I was in his house waiting for him... and they have his sister's "menu" posted up on the fridge... It made me cringe. I can't even describe the pain I felt knowing what that looks (or looked) like to her.

So, then we headed out to the lake and thankfully it was too cold to swim. We just sat and talked for a while about stuff. Then, I told him I was going to the gym afterwards and we joked "Oh, good, you're so obese!" I laughed for a while, but then he went all serious and was like, "You shouldn't go to the gym, you should hang out with me instead." I said, "I can't, I need to go." And then we had a grand 2minute conversation skirting around weightloss, starving and anorexia and he finished with saying, "You shouldn't think stuff like that, it's not healthy."

What can I SAY to him? This boy who is an emotional wreck - and I'm one of the only ones who know him as this. This boy who I've been with when he's had a panic attack. The boy who told me FIRST when he decided to admit he was gay. The boy who cried on my shoulder when his sister nearly went into a coma from starving herself.

So, I went to the gym. I couldn't stop thinking about this, and then major cramps hit (yay monthly gift) and after only about 40mins I left. Went to the library and got some music, a new book Ask Alice... and the non-fiction Slim to None. I don't know why. It was impulse. I saw it, I recognized it and I picked it up.

So now, it's like... I don't even know.

I woke up bloated and feeling like crap, but I did weigh myself at the gym and only minute weight loss but I was extremely bloated. Whatever, I don't even want to care right now.

<3

Ever had one of those days where you go to bed... and you don't truely remember what you did, or felt, or accomplished that day? Both friends canceled on me; one got grounded, one got asked out. I wasn't sad, or annoyed.

I don't even have a feeling about the food I ate, or didn't eat, or how I ate it. Or what exercise I did (except for the major wipe out I had while rollerblading).

I've been up for about 10 hours, and I'm going back to sleep.

Just one of those days.

I just looked down at my "last draft saved" thing; 11:11. I know what I wish for.

Control? Ha.

Yeah, today started off fantastic. Work was spectacularly fun - I love the fast-paced, repetitiveness of the warehouse. Moreover, it's a great workout. I was SORE, how pathetic is that. Obviously haven't lifted 50ilb boxes of toys and clothes recently...

Then, I came home and couldn't think of anything besides food. That passed, then returned and cycled (I had had a 50cal "lunch" of yogurt and berries) until dinner. I distracted myself by watching Memoirs of a Geisha - which is one of my favorite books and movies) and playing AoM (age of mythology). Why? Cause I'm a nerd like that. And I won all 4 rounds on Hard. 8D

Then, Dad made delicious veggie pasta and herb chicken as a family meal.... I had more than I should have, and I feel like I had a major major binge, but I ate on a tiny kids bowl, like 1/3cup of pasta per serving... so despite my appalling 3 semi-full plates of food... eh. I don't have the energy to care today.

It was rainy again today, so my exercise will constitute the half-hour walk to the theatre tonight. I'm bringing berries and water to snack on, so I don't look like a fool. If I /must/ there is a TCBY which sells nofat, no sugar added frozen yogurt cups at like 90cals a serving.

I'll get on better track tomorrow, promise. I have a full girls day tomorrow - the day with one of my girlfriends who is broke so no buying food there, and a movie night. Secret weapon? GUM and SUCKERS. I hope to get to the gym to get a accurate weight... my home scale is down though... not sure it will be after tonight. I feel surprisingly neutral about it.

Congrats to all the ladies still fasting.

Thanks, Dot, your comment means a lot to me. <3

Made it through the wildahness

Sorry, I felt like singing and that's what came out...

DON'T JUDGE ME.

Yeah. After reading comments, I am in a much better mood <3 you all so much. Just an update, because I said I would - I made it through the day successfully.
Tomorrow, I'll ease myself back into something. It pained me though, my fam. bought a pint of blueberries (my favorite in the whole world) and with a family of 6, they were gone in no time at all. Oh well. There are some frozen ones to have later.

Going to the Harry Potter midnight show tomorrow night... cause I'm cool like that. No, actually, I wasn't planning on going.... but one of my acquaintances asked me to go. Either as a non-direct date or as a last resort... either way I'm good with it.

I think it was Dot who asked me to post a picture... Hair is a little longer now, but basically the same.



Work early tomorrow, good luck all who are still fasting, <3 you

Rain rain, go away

It pouring rain here today. Meaning no bike rides or walks, but that's okay I don't have the energy really anyways.

I only have 3 more hours to last before I leave for work, at which point neither my parents or co-workers can stop me from fasting. 3 hours - that's all for day two. Thinking about it, though, I'm 90% sure I'll start eating tomorrow. Fasting makes me feel worse about myself, because my "logical" side is still so prominent. Weight-loss is good, depression is bad.

So, sorry ladies, continue on without me and stay strong.

To distract me for a bit, I'll explain my background a little.

Firstly, understand who I am outwardly: I'm the teacher's pet. I'm that girl in the class who usually studies, always does homework, gets good marks, yet is involved in hell everything, who knows the principal and has respect from her peers. I am not popular, yet many people know me. Teachers trust me with their keys, and walking into the office or principals office doesn't scare me, it excites me because I've done something worth recognizing.

I am a perfectionist, someone with OCD tendencies. Wizard, last night, said this "You're not silly, you're the hard ass, whip wielding crazy one that everyone loves and fears at the same time."

That's me. So, where did this all come about? Well, I've always been a larger person, not fat or obese by any sense of the word but wide hips, thunder thighs and tall. People made fun of me because of my grades, height, lack-of-boobage, jealousy, what ever. I earned a tough skin, but beneath it really hurt.

I've always wanted someone - like any girl - to lean on and to know me. Those feelings are just intensified because I have secrets and I need someone like that. Boys have never, ever liked me. I'm 17, and I've been asked out once...and it was a dare.

That's a big part of when it started... why would you need to dare someone to talk to me? Cause I'm well spoken, smarter? Cause I could beat any guy up in Jr. High? Because I was bigger than them? I remember for about a month in Jr. High I bounced between cutting, binging and starving.

High school was filled with ups and downs, as it is for everyone. I became more acutely aware of how I looked in comparison to everyone else - how physically I was different and how I responded to different things. Getting into drama both helped and hindered. Anyone who knows any actor or tech knows there is NO sense of personal space or truth.

So, I got busier, more stressed out about school and post-secondary, got involved in more things and became more determined to be at the top. Grade 10 was hard because I envisioned it being my "coming-of-age" year with school, and guys, and grades. It wasn't. I lost my grandfather to cancer in April. I ended up with a 85% average or something, which was seriously disappointing. In many ways, it was a good year though. I bounced a little, but kept relatively far away from acting on any disorderly eating. (There is a whole boy story here, but I can't talk about that right now, maybe later.)

That summer, I lost about 15 pounds just naturally and changed shape.

Busy, busy, busy - Grade 11!. I became stage manager of the school's play and the stress grated on me. I changed, I know that. (insert another boy story here) Then, in late December, 2 weeks before opening I got a call that one of our lead actresses was in the hospital - she'd had a heart attack and she was anorexic. I don't know why that triggered me, but between then and mid-February, I lost nearly 30 pounds. That was when I reached my lowest weight of 122.

Now, I don't remember much of that time besides overwhelming depression and a poignant sense of worthlessness. I remember being excited when my friends asked me skating - not because I love hanging out and talking with my friends, but because it burns calories.

Mid-February until just recently I snapped out of it. Got too mad, I started cutting again and that was it. I was done. I started eating again... but that quickly turned to binging out of emotion, anger with myself, or plain boredom. I went from 122 to nearly 170 in four months. I didn't do anything on my 17th because I was ashamed of my weight.

So, here I am. I lost about 20 pounds quickly when I started working out more and having anxiety attacks that forced me to skip dinner to do homework or work in the theatre or for a club - to achieve something.

Ended the year with a 90% average, much better. With clubs and promises of better things to come. With promises of new fear and anxiety over university. At the awards ceremony, at the end of the year, one of the major triggers for this, my "best friend", my main competitor since grade 6, for the second year in a row won the Citizenship Award for everything I had done (not including theater... certain clubs... band work... athletics...).

I have to beat her at something. I have to be worth something. I have to achieve success in something, and see results.

And then I started this blog.

There, 45 mins gone by. Thanks <3

Day 1 Down... Just Barely

Day one of fasting is a success... but at a price of a lot of lies (which I feel only kind-of bad about). Both my parents are home now, so twice the eyes, twice the pressure, twice the paranoia. I feel myself torn at this state. Part of me knows this isn't about losing weight, it's about success - and this part of me loves it. Another hates the self-doubt, the hate, the lies and the obsessiveness. The other part of me is like an omniscient, disappointed god, watching, thinking, "You dumb shit. Fat or thin, you're f-ing yourself over. Get over yourself."

Right now, I'm anxious because both parents are home tomorrow, and I am counting on a ride to the gym or to the local park for exercise. They won't if I haven't eaten. My mom is suspicious already. She was around at the beginning of the year when I fell off my rocker (lost nearly 30 ilbs in about 90 days) and is still on alert. I feel like I'm disappointing someone no matter what I do.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll explain a little more my background and my issues with eating and not eating. Sometimes when I see things staring at me from the screen, I can grapple with it easier.

Inspired by Dot, I took some measurements today.
Neck: 11
Chest: 32.5 (D=)
Waist: 25
Hips: 39
Upper Thigh: 22.5
Upper Arm: 11
Wrist: 6 1/2

Obviously, I have massive hips and thighs. Logically, I know that when you are measuring around your hip bones already, they're not getting any smaller. Thighs I can change though.

Then, on the same thought I started looking for some thinspo and began riffling through MODE MODELS' agency book. I know 3 of the models from Canada. 3. I went to school with them!!! Looking at their measurements, I realize, with a sad face, that I've always wanted to model. Hips are too big though. I did, however, find some new favorites.


This is Hannah Donker - 5'9.5" 33/24/34.5. I love her figure.


This is Coco L - 5'9" 33/23.5/34. I love her because her colouring is exactly like mine. I have softer, curly hair but the same colour of skin (if not a bit darker) and blue eyes.

Bottom line - 0 consumed. Approx 750 burned (3 long walks, 45 mins of biking).

Tomorrow... we'll see. <3

You're skinny! Oh, wait, no you're not.

I'm so pissed at today, and at yesterday. You can tell, I've been avoiding updating. Last night, I binged a little but literally forced myself to bed. Today, I wanted to fast but Mom was hawk-eye-ing me, so I had some oatmeal... then just kept going.

Then, I went to the gym because I felt so bad. It was so busy. Ended up doing bike/rowing/running cardio while I was waiting for the elliptical, but those really really killed me for some reason (probably cause I haven't done it in a long time). Feeling like crap, I left after burning only 300.

Went to a movie and mall - talk about social anxiety attacks.

But, here's the kicker of the day. I was chilling until the movie with a friend and I made a comment about not wanting a donut for the fat... he reached over and said, "Oh, you silly girl - you need some meat on your bones, you're so skinny." in the same breath, continued while pinching my arm, "Oh - no you're not. You have some muscle."

BULL SHIT.

I walked 45mins home.

Fast and exercise tomorrow. Hate myself so much right now. I want to give up, and - honestly - eat. I'm an emotional binge eater. I know that. This is the only thing keeping me from binging.

P.S: Most of us use online calculators to calculate calories burned etc, what do you use?

Ah! Foiled by a welcome sandwhich!

I woke up mad about my binge last night (it really wasn't awful, but it was a loss of control - and that's what really gets me). So, I decided I'd fast today, only water. Interestingly enough, with my brothers not here, my mother isn't eating much either so she didn't push a breakfast on me. Then, she fell asleep and assumed I ate lunch before going to my orientation.

The short-and-sweet version is that the orientation went great. Met some great girls, and I feel that nervous flutter of excitement in my stomach, like I want to do a great job and I want to prove to them I can do the job stupendously. They have a Social Committee for employee events and are looking for new members. I am so there. That is my forte!

The one bad thing was that when they let us go for dinner, I got dragged along by the manager who was paying for a "welcome dinner" over at Quiznos. Alarm bells went off, HIGH FAT, HIGH CALORIES, OH SHIT. I didn't even have an excuse or anything! I could have lied and gone off or something, but I didn't want to be left out either. After scrutinizing the menu, weighing what I know of meats, sauces and breads, I chose a small Honey Bourbon Chicken on wheat and thankfully that was their lowest cal and fat sub - at 310cals. I managed to throw out about half of the sauce-side bun too, so I'm sure that got rid of a little.

As for exercise today, I didn't want to do anything too extreme because of the fast but I did go for a 20min walk and then I walked home from work, uphill, which took about 45 mins.

So, not the deficit I was looking for, but it was under 50.

I have to learn to like running. I've come to this conclusion. At Winners, I get a 45min break if I work over 5 hours... to eat. Orrr, I could go for a 20-30min run. It kills my knees to run, but I'd rather that then be tempted to buy something. Even a walk would be ok, I guess.

Might fast tomorrow, but probably not. I want to go to the gym for a few hours - without fainting/vomiting please!

Ugh ew

Late night binge.
Eff me.
Once I start eating, I can't stop...
F-u-c-k.

Getting into gear

Winners called, and I got hired! Orientation tomorrow, and I am pretty stoked. I'm still not sure about the hours, but I figure the best idea is to work hard for two weeks and show them what a great employee I am then ask for a reduction in hours if I need it. That way, there is little-to-no chance that they'll turn around and go, "Ehhh, no we'll just hire someone else."

I got that call on the way to the gym, so I was just bouncin' and then jumped on the scale out of compulsion. Number is down, but I'm going to update once a week because I understand that it could be water weight or that something might happen and I don't want to freak out about it.

I work tonight at the restaurant. I've been working casually as a hostess for a few years now and I mostly like it. In the summer, it's pretty slow so I just bring a notebook and some pens, maybe a crossword book and chill. The worst part is working around food, and the fact that the manager keeps a stash of jelly-beans and gummies in the hostess stand... so tempting. Otherwise, it's great. I work tonight, and on Friday. These next three days are gonna be busy but I love that.

Just a quick update, <3

So, This One Time...

So this one time I spent 16 hours at an amusement park...! Yeah, yeah. It was unbelievably fun. The girlfriend I went with is so fun, and we're so alike... she really pushed me to try rides (I'm such a scaredy-cat when it comes to rides!) that I would never have done myself. I usually get pretty anxious in crowds, but we kept moving and kept talking enough so I didn't think about it hardly at all. More impressively, at least for me, was that there was a concert on the grounds and I spent 3hours in the mosh pit! A) it was only my 3rd live concert, and B) the first time in a mosh pit. 5000 + people! We started in the 15th row and ended up in first. I took a candy-apple to the shoulder, but it was SO worth it. It's crazy how, yes, you're all trying to reach the same goal - the front of the stage - but at the same time you're looking out for each other... picking gum out of hair, yelling at people who throw things... it was good times.

I was a little scared throughout the day about food, because I knew if I ate nothing I would get sick on the first ride. But, thankfully, I avoided nearly everything that came my way. In the end, the damage was about 1400 which looking at now is scary, but considering the entire day was spent walking/moshing I'm not even second guessing it.

I also felt kind of bad because we talked about eating disorders on the way home. My friend is over-weight and round, but I honestly can not see her any thinner, she just pulls it off so effortlessly. I hate lying to her and saying I don't get it. It brought me to thinking about whether or not I classified myself as having an eating disorder... and I don't know yet. It's a scary title to have. It brings about so many negative thoughts, and the thought of the inevitable recovery or the hospitalization extreme is frightening. It doesn't make me want to stop losing weight though. I'll have to stew over it more.

Today, I didn't wake up until 1pm, so I didn't accomplish much other than cleaning the house and a nice 40 min walk. Kept intake below 300 cals easily, unfortunately it was all consumed in one take because my mom came home early and -to avoid one of her meals of pasta and meat sauce- made some eggs and had a yogurt for desert. She's getting suspicious again, which is annoying, but what ever.

After jumping on the sketchy scale here at home, it read 135, which is not right at all but is down from the last time. I got all happy about it again then caught a glimpse in the mirror and starting examining... So far to go yet. I'm starting to wonder if 130 is going to be only my first goal. I'm almost there, yet no where close to how I want to look.

Time has just flown by today, it feels like I just got up and its already past bedtime for my full day tomorrow.

143.5, Impending Doom and Excitement

I was holding off weighing (half because of anxiety, half because of tomorrow's trip to the dreaded/awesome amusement park) but this morning, I couldn't resist and had to jump on that annoying thing. It read 138.5. I had a mini-heart attack, and immediately called BULLSHIT. Sure, that would be awesome, but I certainly have not lost 10+ pounds in the last week. Sooo at the gym today, I jumped on the professional scale (I usually go by this one because it measures higher and more realistic) and it read 143.5. Excuse me while I SQUEAL with delight. That's about 6 pounds in the last 7-ish days.

I've actually forgotten how amazing losing fat feels. I'm not a muscle-y person... definitely fit and more muscle than fat (about 22% body fat), so when I lose weight there is an immediate difference... So happy right now. I was ecstatic and smiling like a mad-man when I waltzed into Walmart later on to buy some diet pills (I got SlimQuick because my mom is on them too and if I accidentally leave the bottle out or something I can pass it off as hers and use the "I felt bloated excuse") and reward myself with some organic chai tea. My dad and mom only drink Earl Grey, and your basic Orange Pekoe so I have to buy my own. I have, of course, the ever-needed stash of Green tea but that gets boring real quick. Chai feels like a cheat hot-chocolate to me. Still 0 cals though!

Speaking of which, intake counts for today...
Mango - 135
Carrot - 30
8 ounce low fat yogurt - 80
Green tea - 0
Chai tea - 0
Total: (+)245

Exercise....
Elliptical (1hr) - 600
Callisthenics and weights (45mins) -140-ish
Walk (25mins) - 90
Total: (-)870

Doom is impending... there is an amusement park trip tomorrow with a bunch of friends. Now, we all know the food at theme parks constitutes heart attacks on a bun. I, thankfully, persuaded my friends to have a picnic and pack lunches. I have a large-looking lunch packed, but it only comes in at 170 cals, 54 of that is negative food. I'm also bringing a Curves 100cal snack bar to curb the sweet tooth around dinner, but lets be honest here, something will call me and I won't be able to resist! I've come to terms with that, and I will allow myself ONE calorie and fat-ridden treat tomorrow, whether it be ice-cream or mini-donuts (always small/kiddie size ;P). If I can help it, I'll find a friend to go with to Jugo Juice or the frozen yogurt place and get something there, but I doubt my friends will let me get away with that. Oh well. We're there for a good 12 hours, walking around for even a fraction of that time will burn some calories.

Lacking of money is always a good excuse too.

Once I get past that and accept the fact of one treat, I'm super excited. I'm a ride junkie and I can not wait for the adrenaline rush! I am, actually, pretty much just stoked on life atm.

I have another dilemma, however, regarding jobs. Winners seems fail proof - close to school, the gym and home; also importantly not close to any fast food places. However, they want to hire me for full time 30-ish hours a week. I'm okay with that, it'll keep me busy, but... it’s also summer. I've never worked a full-time summer job, so I don't know what that actually means. Urban Trade, though, isn't opening till August, and only needs part-times. I'd love to work at the mall, but obviously I'm losing out on a months income. And it is NOT close to school, the gym, or home. But I'd love to work at the mall. It also means I could just chill this month... I don't know. At this point, I'm thinking Winners despite the hours... maybe I'll talk to the manager on Tuesday and ask if they'd still hire me part-time.

I always feel bad writing such long posts, even though no one reads them... sorry? Haha.

<3 Wish me luck tomorrow!

Quick Edit

I was looking up the amount of calories in a mango, and the "fact" that it was a negative calorie food came up. Not that one could really not count it because of that but it's an interesting theory...

What do you all think about "negative calorie foods"?

Feels good to be back

Today, I have consumed a mango. 135 calories. I've done 300-ish cals-blasting.

I saw a movie, ate no popcorn or drank pop. Actually, the movie we saw was Public Enemies. It was actually fantastic! Johnny Depp is still a babe, while still being serious and acting with no trace of Jack Sparrow. Perhaps there will be more on this later, I went with Wizzard after all... he tried to get me to kiss him. Awkward.

Anywho -- I'm off to a year-end concert where there will be food and drink, but I have already set up a stomach-ache story with my chaperon (one of my friends that I always party with - she's mormon, though, so I call her my chaperon because she never gets drunk or too out-of-control) so I plan on not eatting there either, but I may have to have some pop or something - yay for aspertame.

It's been a really, really splendid day.

The title of this entry is "feels good to be back" because for the first time in a while, I feel alive. I smile without needing to. I walk happily, think about things. It's not numb any more.

It's also the first day in almost 2 months that I've had a deficient intake. A seriously deficient intake.

<3

Blogging day

I was thinking today, on my way over to the job interview (more on that later), about what I should do to motivate myself more. People always rave about blogging, esp. ana and weight-loss themed ones, but I've never been able to stick to one. I'm doing okay for this one right now, so maybe it'll help. It's better to try than to admit defeat, right? So, I got home and searched out some good blogs and favorited them, or followed them.

It is motivating. For now, anyways.

So, the job interview went okay. It's kind of an admittance to myself of normal-dom. I've spent too long in my honours-class-volunteering-award-winning-bubble. Retail, here I come! That's not entirely true, actually, but they just want references and I get scheduled. Full time summer @ 10+ dollah. I like this. Money and work, it's so perfect.

The general feel of it is nice and fun organized chaos. I haven't ever worked a "real job", so I look forward to it. I'm flip-floping between the disappointment of losing the internship, the fantastic idea of being busy again - on my feet, earning money, away from home and food - and learning something new and being around fashion, and the slight annoyance at the idea of working fulltime through my summer. More positive than negative though.

Blah blah day. No exercise beyong walking to and from the bus stop - my legs felt like lead all day. I'm pretty sure it was from the 1000 cal work out yesterday, which sucks because I'd like to think I could keep that up, but obviously that's not possible yet. But, also, I had a decent amount of food - but stopped eating around 4pm, so thats ok. I tend to binge alone in the morning so I look forward, especially, to the idea of working early morning and not having that oppurtunity.

And now I'm ranting.

Wizard is lending me a "life changing" book. I almost ALMOST snuck out with him tonight. Sigh. I wish... I wish that someone, him or someone else would tell me I am pretty, worth it... that they want to be with me. But its just not gonna happen until... well, not for a while. God damn. It's upsetting to think about, really. I can't even go into it right now. I don't have the energy for it.

It's been a really really long time since I've felt hunger, like, legit hunger. I'm feeling it now. And I'm remembering how much I love it.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy diet pills. Those motivate me too. I need the energy. Time for bed.
<3

Confused

I read a book recently called Purge. It was about a bulimic and her time in rehab. It's one of the most frightening things to read a researched, truthful recount of a person with serious serious issues, or as she put it, "screwedup-ness", and realize that you've thought and done the same things. Not saying, to any extent, that I have an eating disorder. Body dimorphism, maybe. Extremely-low self esteem, perhaps. Depression, probably. But, to classify myself as someone with an ed... I don't think is right. I haven't lost enough weight for it.

If any thing I would be an exercise-bulimic. I love, cherish, the idea that I can burn off the calories that I consume. Today, for example, I burnt off over 1000. OVER 1000. It took nearly 90mins, but I did it! And now, how can I ever go to the gym again without reaching that milestone? It happened when I first breached the 400 cal/ workout, then the 600 cal/ workout... 1000 is excessive I know and I am exhausted but it feels/felt SO good.

I also can't (now) find the will to keep a calorie count. I was able too for a good solid 2 months, and I lost so much weight. Something has clicked, for now, though, that says - "You can't do this again".

Restricting is another thing all together - I don't consider it part of an ed. I mean, most of all its just common sense. I have a few rules - no dips, open faced burgers and hot-dogs, 3/4 veggies - 1/4 chips/pizza/burger whatever junk, only diet soda, middle slices of cake (only one face of icing)... little things that add up.

ANYWHO.

I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm kind of stoked. I really want to work there (Winners), but at the same time, if I don't get it, I can actually start just living. Fuck it. Go visit people, chill with friends, spend some time at the gym and stampede. I'm good with either, I just want a direction.

He, lets call him Wizard, was being charming again. Never mentioned him, he just keeps slipping back into my life. I worry about him, his drinking, his hate... I know he doesn't have any issues with food, but he sometimes won't eat cause he's not hungry or cause he's too drunk to remember to... he's far far far lighter than I am. Which really pisses me off.

I haven't been me lately. And I know that. But I'm not sure what to do. I'm in limbo. One moment happy and full of energy, the next tired and pissed and wanting to binge on shit. THAT is another thing I got from reading Purge, I REALLY wish - genuinely wish I had a) perfect, impenetrable teeth and b) the courage and stealth to purge.

The scale hasn't moved much, if any. I fluctuate so easily it's ridiculous. But, even though my thighs grow, my stomach shrinks - so I'll take the small win. I'm realising how much I have to lose that is fat, not even paranoid weight, but legit fat... I'm not sure if it makes me more depressed or more determined.

Contemplating on whether or not to go to a sleep over tomorrow. The people... eh. It's awkward. I don't really talk to them. And they survive on sex, drugs, pepsi and pizza and I know that's all that's gonna be there. No diet soda in sight and pizza the only alternative to carpet. Maybe it is something I'll avoid. Do a zoo trip or something... other than video games and sitting. Not that they have to worry about it, 'cause they're all so damn thin.

I'm thinking I'll pull out of tomorrow and try to get some shit done. Go to the gym again. Maybe I'll have a movie night or something. Find something to watch.

Alone on a friday night. who's really surprised?

Not me.