Thursday, July 16, 2009

Glass Skin

My vision begins to blur
The glass sky, the color of the wind
The merry-go-round playing alone
I wave
My somehow faded voice is more important to me than my guilty conscience
Tomorrow I sleep, leaving myself behind
Emptier still than any tears of comedy
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged

In the dark morning, I pretend the window to be a picture frame
I wake my sleeping skin and press my hand against this wet piece of picture
Spring blossoms and the petals fall, giving life to the river
Swaying from side to side, where will you go?
I put my hand on the heavy and closed door
The remains of the parade
The silence laughs along with the fact that I won't be sleeping again tonight
Emptier still than any tears of comedy
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
Here, let there be love...
The jokingly-dancing seasons endlessly hurt
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
And to be melted by the dreams I hold out

(I bleed as my way of compensating everything to you
How heavy is blood?
Happiness and sadness lies too close) (English)
The hand that will be born tomorrow, will be simply pure and nothing else
I can barely see you now with all these tears

Emptier still than any tears of comedy
Left to be just taken
Left to be just damaged
Here, let there be love...
There is a ferris wheel, where I can look down and see you from
The melody that just comes crumbling down is also so sweet and beautiful, it's frightening
The shadow exposed by the sun is branded into my memory
and it touches my heart than any shallow words combined.

I'm rediscovering my love for Japanese music, especially punk/metal. This song is called GLASSKIN by Dir en Grey, and I just love it... The lead singers voice is absolutely spectacular. Foreign language music is something I've always loved because the sound is something so out-of-the-ordinary that I have to pay attention... and the lyrics... I do look up the lyrics, translate them, know the meaning, but the mood is more important. I make my own stories from what I know is going on, from what I know the song means.


Today was... interesting. I went with my volunteering corp to present some information to Jr.High immigrants about volunteering and the benefits of it, both material, and personal. It was pretty basic, led a few icebreakers, talked about myself a little, participated in an activity... it got me thinking about these kids, mostly girls, and wondering where they would be in a few years. What high school would do to them, and what it wouldn't. Wondering if I was ever as bright eye'd, as full of energy and ideas, as accepting of others.

Then, I went to hang out with one of my friends; the one who's sister is an recovering anorexic. I always feel very guilty hanging alone with him, because he's... he's one of those people who will tell you every thing and anything except stuff that makes him feel bad. I.e his sexuality, his family, his weight, his sister, his anxiety disorder. I worry about him. ANYWAYS, I was in his house waiting for him... and they have his sister's "menu" posted up on the fridge... It made me cringe. I can't even describe the pain I felt knowing what that looks (or looked) like to her.

So, then we headed out to the lake and thankfully it was too cold to swim. We just sat and talked for a while about stuff. Then, I told him I was going to the gym afterwards and we joked "Oh, good, you're so obese!" I laughed for a while, but then he went all serious and was like, "You shouldn't go to the gym, you should hang out with me instead." I said, "I can't, I need to go." And then we had a grand 2minute conversation skirting around weightloss, starving and anorexia and he finished with saying, "You shouldn't think stuff like that, it's not healthy."

What can I SAY to him? This boy who is an emotional wreck - and I'm one of the only ones who know him as this. This boy who I've been with when he's had a panic attack. The boy who told me FIRST when he decided to admit he was gay. The boy who cried on my shoulder when his sister nearly went into a coma from starving herself.

So, I went to the gym. I couldn't stop thinking about this, and then major cramps hit (yay monthly gift) and after only about 40mins I left. Went to the library and got some music, a new book Ask Alice... and the non-fiction Slim to None. I don't know why. It was impulse. I saw it, I recognized it and I picked it up.

So now, it's like... I don't even know.

I woke up bloated and feeling like crap, but I did weigh myself at the gym and only minute weight loss but I was extremely bloated. Whatever, I don't even want to care right now.



Dot said...

I love music in other languages too. there's just something so seductive about it.
I'm sorry about your friend : ( It sounds like he's going through a hard time, but I'm sure with an awesome friend like you he'll get through it!
I don't know what to say about his sister know what you're getting into with this life style. You're not doing anything dangerous right now. You seem level headed and in control.
I hope you feel better today.
Stay strong <3

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