Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Revalations and resolutions

I know it's only one missed day, but for me, because I have ready access to the computer, to not update at least once a day is avoiding. I was avoiding and I apologize. I didn't want to post, I felt I couldn't post because I've been so horrid with eating and exercising these last few days. There is really no excuse for it either. The worst/best part is is that I haven't had the heart to beat myself up over it. Sure, after I finish eating, for a grand total of about an hour I have the urge to purge, but I have yet to actually bring myself to successfully do it. I've been standing over the bowl, finger in my throat, but nothing has come out. Writing this now is embarrassing and it's making my heart flutter with anxiety - I've not kept a promise, or fulfilled a goal. My head has been scattered, my thoughts so erratic and fast like lightening jumping from cloud to cloud. I had actually think about what I was going to write about here, and plan it out visually. Still, I'm already rambling...

The strangest thing happened yesterday, I was walking to the gym after work (so terrible, I hate cash. Too public, too engaging) and I was thinking about something random when I was about to cross the street. I checked over my shoulder to see if there were cars coming - and lo and behold a bus was driving down. Suddenly, this image of me throwing myself in front of the bus, blood spattering on the windshield, came to mind. It's not like I was anywhere near the curb, nor was I feeling suicidal, it just popped into my head. The weirdest thing is that after it did, I felt much better - not that I was feeling terrible to start with, but definitely down.

Between then and earlier today I've been thinking hard about why it is that my resolve has been so shaken. Why I've been allowing myself, encouraging myself even, to eat and eat and overeat so suddenly after I'd been having so much success, and I believe I've figured part of it out.

I've never been an impulsive person. Even as a child, from stories my mother tells, I thought about actions before I did them. As she says, I was a "poetic" child, content to kind of just stare at a leaf or a pond while the other kids swam or climbed trees. For some, the emotion of love, or frustration, or hate are overwhelming. For me, it's anger. It's the one thing I have an issue handling, one of the only feelings I react impulsively to. That is how my self-harm started obviously, and I think it has a part in my ED too because now, since the last time (I think it was friday) that I cut, I've been swinging between numbness and hopelessness, feeling little, and avoiding anything that would make me angry or being unable to get angry. Being disappointed or hating myself added to the anger that added to my body dismorfia and preoccupation with eating. But now, since my bloody release, I have no anger, so I've swayed from one extreme to another.

This numbness and hopelessness, instead, has manifested itself in an annoying lack-of-interest or care on my part. My usually organized room is a disaster, I haven't hung out with friends in days. I spent 4 hours on the lawn today, in front of a trampoline, reading because I couldn't be bothered to do anything else. The countless calls and emails and places I want to go are piling up and I get anxious about it, but not enough to do anything. I'm forget full, neglectful, and sluggish. I get like this often. I'm thinking this time, whatever this is, it won't last long because I'm already making plans to pull out of it. I need to get things done, and decisions need to be made. Somehow, I have to pull it together.

All this came about while I was thinking today - having time to just read or stare, albeit unproductive, is nice because I have the ability to come up with these connections about my own state of mind. I'm no psychologist, but I like that I can make the connection. Even when regarding my dysfunctional family and our many issues, when I tell my parents theories about why issues are issues in our house, or what to do about them, they look at me - dumbfounded, like I've just revealed something brilliant, when to me it's the simplest and most obvious thing. It's one of the reasons I've always kind of considered working in the mental health field.

Anyways, now that I've rambled on for... a little too long, I suppose I'll move on to the more trivial matter. Well, not so trivial. In an attempt to motivate myself, I weighed again before leaving for the gym-140. Then, I weighed at the gym, same clothes and before working out-144.5. Now, I know the scale at the gym is about an ilb heavy, like when nothing is on it and you set it at 0 it isn't level. But, talk about frustrating! Which should I trust? Or should I just average it out? My home scale is a bathroom scale, and the gym one is a medical one. Ugh. Either way, most of the binge weight is gone somehow - obviously water weight.

Tomorrow, I'm giving an orientation about one of my big volunteering exploits that I've been with since grade 8... so about 4 years. I'm pretty excited, for two reasons. 1) I go into this super energetic, strong, eloquent mood when I'm presenting and talking about volunteering things. 2) It forces me to go to the gym early and eat little. I don't know if I'll be counting calories tomorrow, I don't think I'll have the resolve for it, I certainly don't right now but we'll see. I also want to clean and reorganize my room tomorrow, there is a serious need for it!

Was driving home with mom from the gym, and she was praising me for all the motivation I give her to go to the gym and exercise. She was telling me how amazing it is that I have the will to care about fitness and health and nutrition at my age. If only they she knew. Cue guilt.

I love photography. The picture for this post is something I took last summer in Toronto of my Dad and my brother. They have the most volatile, idiotic relationship, yet when no one is looking... That's another thing. After working with Digital SLRs this year in Media class, I need need need to get myself a manual camera. My 5year-old 5.0megapixel Canon compact digital just aint cutting it anymore. They're so expensive, but I'm thinking that'll be my first major purchase with pay from Winners. Sigh.

Sorry for the length, thanks so so much for the comments. 8 followers!


Dot said...

It's actually good that you aren't beating yourself up too much over it. Doing that might only make you binge again : / Also, I think you should be happy you couldn't purge. I've personally come to the conclusion that it's better to just deal with a binge than to purge.
I used to have thoughts kind of like the one you had with the bus. Not consciously suicidal thoughts, but ones where I would see something, like a tree or a car and see how I could possibly die from that object. I think the comfort we get from those thoughts is knowing that we could. Knowing that there is an escape. Somehow, I think it makes us feel more in control.
I think you should just go by the scale at your house since that's the one you normally weigh on ; )
That's such a lovely picture! You should really post more of your pictures!
Stay strong <3

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