Monday, July 13, 2009

Rain rain, go away

It pouring rain here today. Meaning no bike rides or walks, but that's okay I don't have the energy really anyways.

I only have 3 more hours to last before I leave for work, at which point neither my parents or co-workers can stop me from fasting. 3 hours - that's all for day two. Thinking about it, though, I'm 90% sure I'll start eating tomorrow. Fasting makes me feel worse about myself, because my "logical" side is still so prominent. Weight-loss is good, depression is bad.

So, sorry ladies, continue on without me and stay strong.

To distract me for a bit, I'll explain my background a little.

Firstly, understand who I am outwardly: I'm the teacher's pet. I'm that girl in the class who usually studies, always does homework, gets good marks, yet is involved in hell everything, who knows the principal and has respect from her peers. I am not popular, yet many people know me. Teachers trust me with their keys, and walking into the office or principals office doesn't scare me, it excites me because I've done something worth recognizing.

I am a perfectionist, someone with OCD tendencies. Wizard, last night, said this "You're not silly, you're the hard ass, whip wielding crazy one that everyone loves and fears at the same time."

That's me. So, where did this all come about? Well, I've always been a larger person, not fat or obese by any sense of the word but wide hips, thunder thighs and tall. People made fun of me because of my grades, height, lack-of-boobage, jealousy, what ever. I earned a tough skin, but beneath it really hurt.

I've always wanted someone - like any girl - to lean on and to know me. Those feelings are just intensified because I have secrets and I need someone like that. Boys have never, ever liked me. I'm 17, and I've been asked out once...and it was a dare.

That's a big part of when it started... why would you need to dare someone to talk to me? Cause I'm well spoken, smarter? Cause I could beat any guy up in Jr. High? Because I was bigger than them? I remember for about a month in Jr. High I bounced between cutting, binging and starving.

High school was filled with ups and downs, as it is for everyone. I became more acutely aware of how I looked in comparison to everyone else - how physically I was different and how I responded to different things. Getting into drama both helped and hindered. Anyone who knows any actor or tech knows there is NO sense of personal space or truth.

So, I got busier, more stressed out about school and post-secondary, got involved in more things and became more determined to be at the top. Grade 10 was hard because I envisioned it being my "coming-of-age" year with school, and guys, and grades. It wasn't. I lost my grandfather to cancer in April. I ended up with a 85% average or something, which was seriously disappointing. In many ways, it was a good year though. I bounced a little, but kept relatively far away from acting on any disorderly eating. (There is a whole boy story here, but I can't talk about that right now, maybe later.)

That summer, I lost about 15 pounds just naturally and changed shape.

Busy, busy, busy - Grade 11!. I became stage manager of the school's play and the stress grated on me. I changed, I know that. (insert another boy story here) Then, in late December, 2 weeks before opening I got a call that one of our lead actresses was in the hospital - she'd had a heart attack and she was anorexic. I don't know why that triggered me, but between then and mid-February, I lost nearly 30 pounds. That was when I reached my lowest weight of 122.

Now, I don't remember much of that time besides overwhelming depression and a poignant sense of worthlessness. I remember being excited when my friends asked me skating - not because I love hanging out and talking with my friends, but because it burns calories.

Mid-February until just recently I snapped out of it. Got too mad, I started cutting again and that was it. I was done. I started eating again... but that quickly turned to binging out of emotion, anger with myself, or plain boredom. I went from 122 to nearly 170 in four months. I didn't do anything on my 17th because I was ashamed of my weight.

So, here I am. I lost about 20 pounds quickly when I started working out more and having anxiety attacks that forced me to skip dinner to do homework or work in the theatre or for a club - to achieve something.

Ended the year with a 90% average, much better. With clubs and promises of better things to come. With promises of new fear and anxiety over university. At the awards ceremony, at the end of the year, one of the major triggers for this, my "best friend", my main competitor since grade 6, for the second year in a row won the Citizenship Award for everything I had done (not including theater... certain clubs... band work... athletics...).

I have to beat her at something. I have to be worth something. I have to achieve success in something, and see results.

And then I started this blog.

There, 45 mins gone by. Thanks <3


Dot said...

Don't feel bad at all about ending the fast! Two days is very good!
: D It's really not worth it if it's hurting you more than helping you, so I think you're right that's it's best to end it now.
You sound a bit like me and how I was in high school. Those people really are just intimidated by you and will attack you in any stupid way they think will get to you. Once you get out of high school things will start to get so much better. Please trust me on that. I know because in school everyone made fun of me for getting the best grades and being in plays and concerts and clubs....just stay strong and I'm sure you will be a success and reach all of your goals <3

Lola said...

I think we have similar personalities. I have the same reputation in school. I always get the good grades and everyone knows that I am smart and study and care about school. I have the whole perfectionist and OCD thing, too. It's nice to know someone else like me. Also with the whole boy situation. I was asked out once, but the relationship only lasted three days! I was taller and naturally bigger my whole life, so I think people were intimidated by me.

I love the new look of your blog! I know you can do lose all the weight you want to!

Stay strong, chickie!

With love,

Lola <3

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