Friday, July 17, 2009

Waking up to a nightmare

When I woke up this morning, I was upset. I don't know why, or if it was because of a dream, I was just confused and anxious and just generally upset. It got worse throughout the morning - I could not find something to wear, my braces popped off and I had to run in before work, I was fighting with the mirror. Cried in the shower, for absolutely no reason what so ever. Ate too much breakfast.

I hid it masterfully at work, even though the idea of jabbing my eyes out with the pin-censors was vastly more appealing than going home, or going to the gym (which I can't do anyways because my MP3 is broken). Something was off though; I was slow, unable to focus, easily confused. I'm not even tired, but I feel like taking a sleeping pill and just giving up on the day. Speaking of which, I need to pop some diet pills. I should do that... That is one thing I love work for, though, it makes me forget - don't have to eat, don't have to drink or see mirrors or contemplate or text.

There is a party tonight, and at this point I'm going... but obviously that may have to change. I hate people seeing me depressed, or sad. I hate answering questions. I know a select few that are going, so that's good, I'm more nervous around people I do know. If I wasn't babysitting (which I'm glad to do), I would seriously seriously consider getting trashed - early. Just for the sake of it.


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