Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Firstly - two more followers! Bonjour!, thanks, and <3 you all.

The light at the end of the tunnel. We've all heard the expression, usually it symbolizes hope and reaching a goal. For me, today, it was the complete opposite. The end of the tunnel was something to the get done, my to do list that grew throughout the day, and the tunnel was this dark, cold, awful place. Today, I couldn't muster the energy to do much of anything productive. After my friend got called in to work (yes! no cake!) I basically sat down and read, watched a movie, lazed on facebook, read some more... you get the idea. I played with my camera a bit, but, to add to my counter balance of reasons to not get out of bed, it was cold and rainy out side.

Weight went down to 139... does that even count? I don't think so. Especially because I didn't do anything today -sigh-. I was thinking about how I think I'm going to manage during this next week while surrounded by family and their food. Anxiety was creeping up on me, but then I thought back and realized that I am going to be ok. Main reason being, I hate eating food at other people's houses. Is that just me? I always find it... not awkward, but, I suppose, more mannered than eating at home... does that make sense? Probably not. What I mean is that, since you were a kid, at a friends house or at grandmas, you were taught that if you were offered a cookie - you took one, and only one unless offered another. You were taught it was rude to laze around or sulk - you had to get up and play with the friend, or make conversation or help clean! The more and more I think about it, maybe this trip will help me get on track even more. There will be 9 kids in the house, only 3 adults, then about 100 people for the actual reunion... who will notice what I do/don't eat? Lets be honest - no one. AND, like I said, it'll be mostly bbq but I have braces now... so no corn on the cob, no ribs, I don't eat steak or hamburgers...

Another big reason that I may find it easier to restrict while away is... well, this is a bit embarrassing, but being the small world it is, one of my crazy complicated relationship fatalities lives next door. I apologize, but there is no easy or short way to explain this so here's the dirt -

In grade 10, I got to know this guy named Niles, and he was in my Social AP class... along with my 2 of my best friends. Now, no lies, he and I had a serious thing for eachother. I was very shy, so was he, blah blah blah we never asked each other out - but my friends were constantly teasing us. So, one day, I get this text message; "Flip a coin.", from my two friends. My response, "For what?" Their response, "For everything or for nothing." Now, this is something they would do. Not thinking of it, I call the coin toss and I lost. So, without my knowledge, they start texting, facebook messaging and emailing Niles with messages like "Greene has the hots for you" and "You should ask her out" and "stop being a douche!". Needless to say, he stopped talking to me.

Over Christmas break I found out about this. Embarrassed, I called him and left a message saying sorry and that was it. I was pretty crushed, but I was getting over it... until I walked into French class 2nd semester and guess who was there. He sat in front of me for 2 weeks before we talked. That semester was hit and miss, we still flirted and worked together, but nothing happened despite less dickish pushing from another classmate.

That summer, whilst he was still on my mind, but only on the edges I found out, first hand, he had a summer cottage next door to my cousins in Nova Scotia. Terrific.

First semester grade 11 I had another class with Niles, an art class (who knew he was artsy?!). At that point, we flirted shamelessly and talked - the teacher even commented on it. However, I was getting a little tired of being pulled around and I could never get a straight answer out of him, so I started liking this other guy, Wizard. I sat between Wizard and Niles in this art class (I am amazing at compromising myself, aren't I?). LONG story of a semester short, Niles and I ended up working on a big project together. On the last day of class, we were talking and he said something about resolving his past and how he'd rather talk about shit that goes down than avoid it and never really know someone.

Sounds like he's leading me into talking about grade 10, right? That's what I thought. So, I brought it up. He clammed entirely, said nothing and left at the bell without giving me my copy of the project to hand in. Dick move even without considering the conversation bit. During the exam break we made 5, count them - 5, plans to exchange this "file" but he never showed up.

Our conversations since then have been limited to the occasional facebook conversation that lasts about 10 mins.

ANYWAYS, he knows when I'm there this week and he's said he'll come see me. Is it bad I still carry a torch for him? Either way, the moral of this is... I'll be in summer clothes and smite me down if I am bloated. He is a big provoker of the questions I ask myself often, Why not me? Why am I so scary? Why do guys hate me so much? etc etc. So, seriously, I need to look good - if not just to punish his stupid bum.

Reason 3 for thinking this trip will be easy, (yes I'm STILL talking about this), I hate hate hate flying with food in my stomach. I love flying, but for some reason my stomach reacts badly to it on take-off and landing (and last I heard, those were kinda important)...

Sorry for rambling. Someone commented on my last post about liking my writing style... you can take it back if you want now ;p Also, first pic from my new camera!


Anonymous said...

Well, if he blows you off again, maybe it would be best to just blow him off then. If he does that, then he doesn't deserve someone that actually does care.

Ana's Girl said...

I know just what you mean about food at friends' houses. It makes perfect sense to me.

about the boy: It sounds like he just doesn't know what he wants. But stay strong, and you'll look super-hot---so hot he won't be able to NOT know that it's you he wants!

Good luck and much love.

Dot said...

Another pretty picture! And how exciting it's from your new camera.
Guy sounds sketch : / Like he can't make up his mind or is too insecure/shy to do something. And that's kind of messed up of him to just stop talking to you when you know he knew that you weren't the one doing it. Really immature on his part. Actually, he sounds really immature in general. And you are way too good for anyone like that
; )
But I understand about guys being a motivation for not eating. I do that all the time. And it sounds like you have so many great reason not to eat I'm sure you'll do so wonderful! : D
By the way, I will now always think of you as my projectile vomit buddy Hahaha!
Stay strong and I'm sure you'll do great <3

Yum said...

There's definately a lot more to worry about when you're eating in front of other people, and I don't mean ED related. You have to think of manners and cleanliness and food all at the same time. It's a pain.

As for the boy...it's totoally not you. He obviously has some issues with his shyness. Totally look gorgeous in front of him - that'll teach him to be a wimp!

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