Sunday, July 26, 2009

Grey Day

I've been having food/fasting/binge/weight dreams lately. My father or mother coming home with armfuls of creampuffs, toaster pops, ice cream and me devouring it all and popping out of my clothes. There was another were I woke up in the dream and went to weigh myself in and I broke the scale. In another, I was in an anorexia clinic. I was walking through these white-wash halls, glancing in rooms at these sick, sick girls, their bugged out eyes following me and talking -but I couldn't hear what they were saying, it was just monotonous buzzing- and I passed a mirror and I was slouched over, absolutely massive. I wake up thinking I've binged and feel absolutely terrible. They're just dreams, I know, but... There was another when I was swimming in a pool of pills (presumably diet pills).

Speaking of which, I've run out D=. Thankfully though, my mom bought more and she doesn't notice if I take a few. Recently, because a friend recommended them, I bought a bottle of Niacine pills. They are metabolism boosters of sorts, and my friend swears by them - she's lost like 40ilbs (granted, she is still about 50ilbs over weight). Tried one. Holy jesus. The Niacine flush is absolutely awful, even if it did work I couldn't stand the burning and flushing the chemical caused. It's supposed to happen, I guess, but still. Jesus it was uncomfortable!

Yesterday was a bit of a gong show - in a bad way. It was my brother's 16th and he got to choose what we would have for a family dinner. Lasangia and cheese cake. Shudder. I persuaded my mom to make a vegetarian version for me, but my idiot dad served a portion like 4times what I would have served myself - ugh. I ate about 3/4 of it, but then the same thing happened with the cheese cake. My family, especially my dad and this brother, J, have an extremely tense relationship and at the table my mom was glaring me down being all, "If you make a scene out of food tonight of all nights...." So I ate it quitely, but slowly. I just really want these last 10ilbs gone!

In more exciting news, and I mean really strangely exciting, I was invited - like legit invitation via snail mail - to a keynote speach by an ex-Olympian for International Youth Day... by the Governer General of Alberta! After the speach, we're going to the government mansion for a reception. Holy cow!!!! I'm so stoked. The weird thing is that I didn't sign up for anything International Youth Day activities, so I must have been nominated... but whoever did didn't tell me. Totally out of no where, but hey, I'm not complaining.

Later this week I'll be leaving for a family reunion (i'll still be posting, I'm bringing my laptop). I'm kind of worried because it means a lot of bbq food and shit. However, it also means a lot of time in bathing suits. Hopefully I'll get scared out of eating because of having to wear a suit everywhere.

Short-ish post, I should be cleaning right now. I have a story to tell you all about another nerve-wracking thing happening, but no time. I'm also gonna get my camera! Canon XS (pushing for XSi though). Yay!

<3

1 comments:

Dot said...

I've been having eating dreams too! Last night I had one where I was forced to eat taco bell and got all fat and everyone kept saying how ugly I was...seriously terrible. Woke up in the worst mood because of it : (
Sorry about those dreams and about your family forcing you to eat
: P
Maybe there will be so many people around at the reunion that nobody will notice if you restricting. And if you're going to be around water you can always use the excuse about not being able to eat because you're swimming ; D
That is actually really exciting about going to give that speech! How cool!
Also, what is a Niacin pill? Is it a laxative?
Stay strong <3

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