Sunday, July 12, 2009

Day 1 Down... Just Barely

Day one of fasting is a success... but at a price of a lot of lies (which I feel only kind-of bad about). Both my parents are home now, so twice the eyes, twice the pressure, twice the paranoia. I feel myself torn at this state. Part of me knows this isn't about losing weight, it's about success - and this part of me loves it. Another hates the self-doubt, the hate, the lies and the obsessiveness. The other part of me is like an omniscient, disappointed god, watching, thinking, "You dumb shit. Fat or thin, you're f-ing yourself over. Get over yourself."

Right now, I'm anxious because both parents are home tomorrow, and I am counting on a ride to the gym or to the local park for exercise. They won't if I haven't eaten. My mom is suspicious already. She was around at the beginning of the year when I fell off my rocker (lost nearly 30 ilbs in about 90 days) and is still on alert. I feel like I'm disappointing someone no matter what I do.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll explain a little more my background and my issues with eating and not eating. Sometimes when I see things staring at me from the screen, I can grapple with it easier.

Inspired by Dot, I took some measurements today.
Neck: 11
Chest: 32.5 (D=)
Waist: 25
Hips: 39
Upper Thigh: 22.5
Upper Arm: 11
Wrist: 6 1/2

Obviously, I have massive hips and thighs. Logically, I know that when you are measuring around your hip bones already, they're not getting any smaller. Thighs I can change though.

Then, on the same thought I started looking for some thinspo and began riffling through MODE MODELS' agency book. I know 3 of the models from Canada. 3. I went to school with them!!! Looking at their measurements, I realize, with a sad face, that I've always wanted to model. Hips are too big though. I did, however, find some new favorites.

This is Hannah Donker - 5'9.5" 33/24/34.5. I love her figure.

This is Coco L - 5'9" 33/23.5/34. I love her because her colouring is exactly like mine. I have softer, curly hair but the same colour of skin (if not a bit darker) and blue eyes.

Bottom line - 0 consumed. Approx 750 burned (3 long walks, 45 mins of biking).

Tomorrow... we'll see. <3


K said...

Wow. I love the first model's figure. She has almost the same measurements as me. . . only I'm 5 feet tall -_-
Good luck tomorrow <3

pokerface said...

Ooh I like your blog. Thanks for reminding me about measuring! I was away for a few days and did lots of exercise but didn't lose lbs... wonder if it affected my measurements :)

"Part of me knows this isn't about losing weight, it's about success - and this part of me loves it."

I completely agree with you there.
Good luck :)

Dot said...

yay! For getting past day 1! Onto day two : D I know we can do it!
I think I can relate with the whole success thing. The act of succeeding as being so alluring.
You sound so pretty from your description! You should post a picture!
Good luck today! <3
Stay strong

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