Confused

I read a book recently called Purge. It was about a bulimic and her time in rehab. It's one of the most frightening things to read a researched, truthful recount of a person with serious serious issues, or as she put it, "screwedup-ness", and realize that you've thought and done the same things. Not saying, to any extent, that I have an eating disorder. Body dimorphism, maybe. Extremely-low self esteem, perhaps. Depression, probably. But, to classify myself as someone with an ed... I don't think is right. I haven't lost enough weight for it.

If any thing I would be an exercise-bulimic. I love, cherish, the idea that I can burn off the calories that I consume. Today, for example, I burnt off over 1000. OVER 1000. It took nearly 90mins, but I did it! And now, how can I ever go to the gym again without reaching that milestone? It happened when I first breached the 400 cal/ workout, then the 600 cal/ workout... 1000 is excessive I know and I am exhausted but it feels/felt SO good.

I also can't (now) find the will to keep a calorie count. I was able too for a good solid 2 months, and I lost so much weight. Something has clicked, for now, though, that says - "You can't do this again".

Restricting is another thing all together - I don't consider it part of an ed. I mean, most of all its just common sense. I have a few rules - no dips, open faced burgers and hot-dogs, 3/4 veggies - 1/4 chips/pizza/burger whatever junk, only diet soda, middle slices of cake (only one face of icing)... little things that add up.

ANYWHO.

I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm kind of stoked. I really want to work there (Winners), but at the same time, if I don't get it, I can actually start just living. Fuck it. Go visit people, chill with friends, spend some time at the gym and stampede. I'm good with either, I just want a direction.

He, lets call him Wizard, was being charming again. Never mentioned him, he just keeps slipping back into my life. I worry about him, his drinking, his hate... I know he doesn't have any issues with food, but he sometimes won't eat cause he's not hungry or cause he's too drunk to remember to... he's far far far lighter than I am. Which really pisses me off.

I haven't been me lately. And I know that. But I'm not sure what to do. I'm in limbo. One moment happy and full of energy, the next tired and pissed and wanting to binge on shit. THAT is another thing I got from reading Purge, I REALLY wish - genuinely wish I had a) perfect, impenetrable teeth and b) the courage and stealth to purge.

The scale hasn't moved much, if any. I fluctuate so easily it's ridiculous. But, even though my thighs grow, my stomach shrinks - so I'll take the small win. I'm realising how much I have to lose that is fat, not even paranoid weight, but legit fat... I'm not sure if it makes me more depressed or more determined.

Contemplating on whether or not to go to a sleep over tomorrow. The people... eh. It's awkward. I don't really talk to them. And they survive on sex, drugs, pepsi and pizza and I know that's all that's gonna be there. No diet soda in sight and pizza the only alternative to carpet. Maybe it is something I'll avoid. Do a zoo trip or something... other than video games and sitting. Not that they have to worry about it, 'cause they're all so damn thin.

I'm thinking I'll pull out of tomorrow and try to get some shit done. Go to the gym again. Maybe I'll have a movie night or something. Find something to watch.

Alone on a friday night. who's really surprised?

Not me.