Unspeakable

These last few days have been hectic; my diploma (i.e worth 50% of your entire mark) exams have now begun. My out look on life has remained hovering above the line between OK and Wonderful. I find that as common stress-inducers, such as exams, get closer - and as everyone starts freaking out and getting depressed - I fake a lot more. Like today I wrote Part A, written of my English diploma and I didn't allow myself to get nervous lest I break not only my own perfect mask, but the confidence of my friends.

What hasn't happened this week? I've woken up happy and depressed, gotten angry and wanted to cut, been jealous and hateful. Conniving and deceitful, mostly. Desperate.

I've been bottling everything up again. Not that I ever truly stopped, I just started talking about certain things with certain people and it kept everything from reaching the brink. But... I mean, last night - and tonight, though not as bad - I got so desperate for SOMETHING that I binged on vegetables, homemade lowcal hummus and oatmeal. I just ate and ate. I stayed on my cleanse, but I binged. What a fuckup. Like, really? If I'm going to stuff myself, at least deviate from the diet so I can get what I want sooner.

Tomorrow brings two frightening things:
1) Social Studies diploma
Understand, Social Studies is my thing. I own social studies like Stalin owns his mustache. But I haven't studied, and I literally know nothing about anything. It's two blind essays I have to write in 3hrs tomorrow and I'm scared shitless that i'll walk into the class and blank. I'm scared my teacher will be disappointed. I'm scared to show people a weakness - that I couldn't get my mind off my binge long enough to study. More than anything, I am scared for university - I am scared that this mark may say to proffessors that I'm not good enough to get into a social sciences program. I'm scared I'm going to be pursuing the wrong thing... ugh. I'm just scared.

2) Dress Shopping with a natural size 0, Z's gorgeous cousin and two more girls who are normal sized but extremely confident and have no issue letting their "curves" show.
I'm scared that my binge will show. I know it's destroyed my sense of cleanliness - my stomach is bloated. How can I step out in a form-fitting dress and giggle and laugh while my ugliness is right there in front of their faces? But, I have to do it. I want to too... because I am finally being included in their group. God, at least the cleanse will prevent me from indulging in mall junk food.

I am exhausted and I need to sleep. Did I mention I'm taking sleep medication now? I love it. Pop one and be out for hours. Nothing is easier. I can't wait for what this entails as the exam break goes on. Finally, I'll have time for the gym, for the library, for myself...

P.s Writing up that project about Eating Disorders turned out to be insanely difficult. I tried to present a moderate opinion... but, god, I went to one of the mandatory research sites that basically blamed every manifestation of eating disorders in teens on models, media and emotional "distress". Also, it was often a way of acting out against parents and peers.

Ugh. I wanted to go on about how wrong it was. And, to an extent, I did. But I had to reign myself in because I would give away too much... anyways.

Sorry, I'll try and post more often.