Sunday, January 10, 2010

Blood's Boiling; Day 7

I feel terrible writing a painful, angry post right now.

Mostly because, in general, I had a really good weekend. I hung out with people on Friday, even had some (extremely innocent, nothing happened) time alone with Z. in the hot tub. Saturday I studied all day, then went swimming and movie-ing with the same crowd. I'm damn sure now he doesn't like me, he's seen me in a swim suit beside several variations of skinny, pretty girls. Oh well.

I woke up this morning just in a bad mood. Simply in a bad mood. Everything was wrong. I weighed and measured myself - no change. It's completely frustrating because I've worked so hard to follow the regimen and exercise.

I'm more frustrated because I am, more than anything probably, an emotional binge eater. So today, for example, when my dad goes off on me about not having a picture-perfect room and not waking up early enough, and he threatens not to let me go to Dal (to which I responded that I would be legal and could do whatever I wanted by that point - he yelled at me for being impertinent and disrespectful), all I can think about is food.

To an extent, the cleanse is like a second-layer of protection. One that is accountable and over-arching the emotional self-hate. To an extent, I'm thinking - GOD why am I doing this? It's making everything worse. I'm not doing this for my mom, not even for myself... this is for ana/ed. And... right now, that is not good.

Right now, I think I am the the ugliest, stupidest, worthless person I know. Lazy. I question the word feel, because the tightness in my chest that I am feeling right now accompanies every negative emotion I have.

I want to just punch something. To cut something. To DO something.

But I won't because I am a good girl.

Because if I become any more of a psychopath then I already am, then I am guaranteed to never have a) a boyfriend, b) success, c) happiness.

So, I am sorry for the negative vibes. I also think it's bad to post this because I feel (haha) like I'm only ever complaining on this. Whine whine whine. /end.

P.S I couldn't find a picture for this post. So, you get some crappy doodles of mine for visual stimulus. Hurrah.


Dot said...

Those drawings are pretty awesome for being crappy doodles ;) Never feel bad about complaining in a post, that's what its for and people on here are not judging you. We know what its like and we're just trying to help each other get through it. I sure as hell would never judge you. I think this post has some very positive things about it too, look at how amazingly well you have become at understanding yourself and identifying triggers! You are so much more self aware then when I first started reading. You were already very mature and aware before, but now you are even more so.
Of course its frustrating when you're working so hard to not see a change : ( But you will! Your body is probably just being stubborn. I've noticed that my body at first tries really hard to rebel to any change, and then finally caves and I lose some more weight. So I promise that it will come off ;D
You just have really high standards for yourself, which is not a bad thing at all. And I do believe that one day you will have blossomed into such an incredible and even more amazing person and will have surpassed even your own standards. Because you are really just one of those people who succeeds. You're so determined and intelligent and I know you don't believe it and I don't know if me saying it makes a difference, but you are a beautiful person inside and out and I have complete faith that will overcome every obstacle that's thrown at you :)
Stay strong <3

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Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration