Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Day 2 is done and successful :) Don't know the cal count because I didn't keep close track of almonds and a dab of olive oil dressing, but it's close to, if not under, 1000. Wonderful.

So, for Christmas my "main" gift (all the kids get one) was an Archos Vision 3 mp3 player. It was nice and I needed a new one but - honestly - I really wanted an iPod Touch. But, I also knew it was more expensive then they would spend. So, I happily accepted my gift. But then I started to use it. Understand that when people buy things for me I feel terrible - like, I have dreams - if I don't use it or something. I feel like I'm disappointing them or I'd hurt their feelings if I returned the gift or regifted or something. Anyways, the Archos is more of a video player than an mp3. It was difficult to use, too big, and over all it was not what I wanted.

But, it was from my parents! It was their present. What was I going to do, go up to them and say: "so, yeah... this sucks" ? I agonized over it. Finally, and I don't know what made me do it, but I hinted to my mom that the iPod was what I was actually interested in. And I ended up convincing her to let me put down the difference (about 100$) on the iPod and return the mp3.

Why is this so important to me?

I did it for myself. Me. Last year I would have said nothing to anyone and I would have lived with an mp3 that I hated. I don't do things like that. I don't tell my parents what I want. I don't freak out if things don't work out the way I want them to.

But, it has made me think a little more on my own selfishness. I constantly tell myself that I had to take a step back and start taking care of myself instead of throwing everything that I have into school and clubs and volunteering and friends. But then I loop back to worthlessness and my need to be needed. But then I come to the idea that since I need to be needed, even though I don't believe myself worth anyone or really anything from other people, aren't I - in a sense - existing on an entirely selfish whim? Everything that I do is only to feed my obsession with being wanted. What is even worse is that I am in permanent denial about that.

But, dude, I bought MYSELF a completely material, relatively unimportant or helpful piece of BRAND NAME technology. Obviously, if I am worth an overpriced tablet with music, then I am worth some self-confidence?

And the loop goes on.


Lola said...

My mom has this thing about me being "ungrateful". My 11th Christmas comes to mind. I have cold feet, so I asked for socks. Seriously, but she bought me a stack of video games for a console we didn't own and a huge stereo. When I said that we didn't have the console and I didn't listen to music, she said I was too ungrateful for Christmas, and returned everything that very morning.

I think you deserve the iTouch. But that may be because I got one too. So awesome!

Ana's Girl said...

Good for you, darling. I have this issue with standing up for myself and getting what i want too, but it's a GOOD thing when you do it.

Post a Comment

Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration