Thursday, January 21, 2010

a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

Somehow, I managed to wake up this morning feeling terrible about everything. I just knew when I opened my eyes: today is going to be painful.

I tried to fix it by stuffing myself silly. But, as we all know, that tends to be rather counter productive.

I tried to exercise in order to boost morale. I had to stop because everything jiggled; everyone could see.

I tried to study and begin to prepare for round 2 of diplomas. My brain shut off and something kept asking, Why bother?

I don't know what it was. What the trigger was. I had a really good day yesterday... I did. I ate too much, sure, but I spent time with my lovely, silly friends. Hell, I may have found my grad dress! I spent a very long time (almost 2hrs... haha) indulging my Z. fantasy as we cuddled watching a movie.

So why the hell couldn't I do anything today? Why did I spend hours today eating, blasting Fionna Apple, crying, staring at myself in the mirror. Right now all I can think is:

No one is ever, ever going to love you. You are never going to get what you want. You're not worth anyone's time. No one is going to think you're good enough. No guy is ever going to look twice at you, or want to deal with you. No one can fix you. No professor or employer or scholarship advisor is ever going to think you are good enough.

And, for god's sake I know most of those things aren't true. But some very well could be... I don't know. I guess I don't have anything else to say about this fail of a day. /rhyming.


Anonymous said...

I haven't been able to comment in a while, but I have been following none the less. Like I've told you before, I used to think no one would or could ever love me, let alone find me attractive in the first place. I still wonder sometimes what the hell my BF sees in me, but he is more than willing to explain - more than once - why he loves me. And I still need to hear it many more times before it truly sink sin ... if it ever does.

I think you're beautiful. I think you're intelligent and mature and gorgeous. and I will tell you as many times as you ask for it - and I'll tell you when you don't ask, because it's true.

Ana's Girl said...

Aw, hunny. Don't think things like that. There's no way they're true. You're strong, smart, and beautiful. I just want you to be able to add happy to that list. I love you, sweetheart.

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