Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day 3

Today was rough. I've been resisting the urge to cut/binge/fall back into the internal-screaming self-hate loop all day. I feel myself becoming more OCD as the cleanse continues, which is both good and bad. It's good because I find it easier to sort out my thoughts, but it's bad because I end up freaking out more.

Like this morning I woke up late - which ruined my plan of doing early morning studying and screwed up my entire day's schedule. Ok. Fine. I go to Bio and find out that one of my friend's sister is manic depressive and is diagnosed with anorexia. She ranted about it for a while and, though she is lean, she is not anorexic nor does she have the mind set for it, now her parents are ragging on her about it.

Then, I got my last unit test back. It was a test I took on the 15th of December. That was right smack dab in the middle of my reoccurring depression, my almost cutting... I was so upset about Z. and about life in general. Should I really be surprised by the 70% I got? No. Am I extremely pissed off? Yes. They were STUPID mistakes - like counting and basic math stupid. I knew the material.

I just am so frustrated with myself now. Like, UGH. I am such an idiot. How did I let it get to me so much. Now I am freaking out because I need to go into the diploma with at least a 90% and this is going to bring it down so incredibly far. I wasn't going to take diploma prep because my parents don't have the money for it, but now I am freaking out because I NEED Bio for university. What if I bomb the test? What if I get upset and I can't calm down? What if I screw up everything?

I wrote "Idiot" on my wrist to remind myself all day.

And that was first period.

Social was a blind essay. The topic was OK and my thesis was good, but I was emotional because of Bio and I realized I should have talked about other things too late... ugh. UGH. I love social. If I fail this... god. I just want to SCREAM.

At lunch I was talking to a one of the other stage managers, Jess, and she was ranting about how everyone was going on about how skinny she was. She has lost like 7ilbs - and I am kind of worried because I've seen signs in her, but I also know she is having family issues and it might be depression or anxiety. Anyways, she has the perfect body - boobs, tiny tiny waist, decent hips but thin, shapely legs. And she's just there going on about how annoying it is to have people tell her she is thin and how stupid it is because she hasn't lot a noticeable amount of weight.

For me, personally, if someone were to say something about my weight I'd flip shit internally, but I wouldn't say anything. I am extremely touchy about it. It made me so uncomfortable. I was already mad and it took everything I had to not say, "Yeah, it must suck being gorgeous and wanted."

Spare I was mad.

English I was tired, unmotivated and mad. Then I got my last creative response back (mind, it was blind and we weren't allowed to write essays) and I got a B+. It is a decent grade, especially because I am NOT a creative writer, but because of the day I had had I freaking lost it inside. On the outside, I laughed and congratulated myself for passing. Lies, lies, lies.

I came home wanting nothing more than to sleep (I'm running on 8hrs for the past two days). But then I started watching eating-disorder related movies and docu's as well as listening to my cache of thinspo music. All the while I'm debating with myself over how DUMB it is to fall back into the loop and how DUMB it is to be indulging my own selfish obsession with myself while I should, really, be working on the mound of homework I have.

At the same time, I was thinking: I weighed 136ilbs this morning. Maybe if I can hold it together, someone will notice eventually. Maybe...

/my day.


Anonymous said...

darling. I'm so sorry to hear about your day. I know the feeling of beating yourself up for stupid mistakes. I always needed to be absolutely perfect in school and I can relate to the self-hatred that comes with even the smallest failure in this regard. But remember that you ARE smart and beautiful. I know you are and so does everyone else reading this blog. Remember that even on the other side of the world, there are people who care about you (enough even to be late for their model casting to write this comment ;)).
I thought I was so supposed to race through high school and college as well. Look where that got me; hospitalized and depressed for 1½ years so far. You don't have to rush out on the other side. All that's waiting for you is work. Remember that.

Dot said...

Awe Greene, I'm sorry you had a bad day : ( You are too hard on yourself love. I'm sure you're grades will be fine, one 70% isn't going to ruin them. You'll get everything done you need to because you are just one of those people who doesn't give up. Haha I did like the "Yeah, it must suck to be gorgeous and wanted" ahaha! People like that...sigh....
You are not dumb. Not at all in any way. You should never think that about yourself, because it's just so completely and utterly not true darling <3
Stay strong and I hope you feel better *hugs*

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