Sunday, January 17, 2010

Admit to Imperfection?

Grad dress shopping was... amazing. I had such an amazing day with the group of girls I went with, and I totally forgot about my terrible Social Studies written diploma . I felt kind of left out during some of it, but I realize my place is the quite, random, mature, objective one in the group. But I am in the group. And that makes me very happy.

I also tried on some beautiful, expensive gowns - which always feels good. Especially because they were size 2s (empire waist or ball gown) and 4s (mermaid style, due to the hips)... Grad plans were made, ridiculousness was had.

The negatives of the day - besides the exam - were the facts that I broke my cleanse a day early and definitely ate way too much wheat/sugar. I have minor wins on that front though - including ordering only a half-sized, whole wheat, non-cream-based pasta dish and a low-cal, no-sugar, fish-oil-enriched chocolate bar as dessert.

Also, we went back to Zs house. It's hard because there is another girl, Stef, who just throws herself at Z constantly. And, I can see it working. I just have to get over him, because it's not going to happen... no matter how much I want it to. Did I mention he speaks french? Ugh. Anyways...

I've been terrible with eating as the cleanse ended. A lot of it is just my triggers being pulled - bad feelings about exams, university and family pressure, overall unorganized thoughts, but some of it is, I truly think, that I am getting sick and my body was like: "Ok... you need to feed me actual carbs and energy so I can function. Now." I'm also PMSing, so the sugar thing is only made worse.

If you can't tell, I am in an extremely forgiving mood right now. I don't know what it is, and I'm trying to find insight into why I feel half-decent about myself right now. I was playing 20 Questions with myself, as I do often, and I asked myself "If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be?" Usually my answer would be, "Everything" or "My perfectionism" or "My metabolism"... but today... I just wondered if I would end up the same. If not... I don't know.

I don't like how I look. I don't like how obsessed I am with my life and how I do or don't fit into clothes, groups or expectations. I don't like how my personality is intimidating. I don't like how I hang on to the past and how bitter I have let myself become. I don't like my family dynamic. I don't like my financial situation. I don't like my grades or commitment level right now.

I like that I care about things in the world. I like that I have some amount of insight. I like my general level of intelligence. I like that I can get along with my peers AND my elders. I like that people trust me. I like that other people think I am unique and mysterious. I like that I can put on a mask to protect my friends from the truth of my imperfection.

So, tonight, I am torn. How much do I really want to be so obsessed with everything that is wrong with myself? How much more do I really want to hurt? Then again, how much do I want to get help? How much to I want to let other people in?

How much do I want to admit to imperfection?


I don't know.

And that's where I am tonight. Full, contented, confused. We'll see how it looks in the morning.


Ana's Girl said...

It's great to hear you're finally in a good mood. I think you needed the time with friends. Maybe you should make a point of going out with people more often as you always seem happier after you've just spent time with others. I'd love for you to be truly happy, darling.

Mina Belle said...

Oh it sounds like you had a good time! I still need to buy a prom dress and a grad dress haha.

Post a Comment

Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration