Stab, Stab and...wait for it... STAB

Don't worry, it's not real brains + blood. ;P ...though bashing my head against a nice, white, solid fence does seem like perfectly suitable way to spend my time right now. The weekend swung between being rough and being fun, being disappointing and hopeful. My head hurts from thinking about it. I kept up with exercising + studying but, obviously, the posting + picture taking (the part I am most enjoying) failed.

This is due to what I call the TRIPLE THREAT. That is I somehow managed to land three diplomas - Biology, English B and Social B - one after another. Bio went alright - it was one of those tests that was almost TOO easy. I felt like I was missing something crucial because the questions were ridiculously simple. Not that I'm complaining about an easy test, just watch me get like 70% on it though.

English was today and... ugh. The worst part about English multiple choice exams is that it's completely subjective. Usually you can narrow it down to two answers, and after that it is a crap shot. This test... 85% of the questions were ones you could MAYBE narrow down to three answers. The wording was often off, and, personally, I could not follow the trend in the questions and how it related to the texts... just blah. On top of it being a generally confusing and vague test, the texts were rather boring so I started skimming / sleeping. Bad combo.

I felt terrible about it. Mostly because I felt as though my AP training should have prepared me for it and that I was, inherently, disappointing my teacher. Grrr. Anyways. That sucks, but I know my written portion was decent so I could be able to hold onto a high 80s grade. Social is tomorrow and I'm hoping it will be OK. Social is usually OK.
/school rant.

I'm doing alright. The binging has scaled down to "normal" calorie content, but it's still all at once or at two intervals in the day. I know it's bad. I have optimism for the new semester - well, I do tonight at least - so hopefully it'll work out. Sounds crazy, but I'm considering marching on over to... well... to somewhere to deal with it. With the sleep issues, with stress, with anxiety. I want to find ways to help those. I just don't want THIS, this selfish obsession, found out. Eh. Maybe not. Eventually it'll boil down to - "You didn't seem to have that bad a day today, why are you freaking out!?" And the only answer I will have is "I ate too much, or I realised how fat I was, or someone called me _______." Bleh.

Aggravatingly, my weight has still not changed. After 4-ish days of caloric, belly-busting binging, I am still 140. Why can't my metabolism burn 3000 calories/day when I am fasting or even eating normally? Ugh. I am not complaining about the immovable plateau, it's just I'm sure that if my body responded by gaining 10ilbs, I would stop binging. But it hasn't, so someone in there says "just keep going!"

Hope everything is going ok for everyone. I'll catch up with blogs either tomorrow or Thursday I promise :)

Miracle Cure: Baby Oil

After a long shower and a rare indulgence of baby oil, I feel a little bit better. Today was hard because I made it hard. Universities are screwing with my head. My binging impulse is screwing with my stomach and metabolism. The fact that I can't focus long enough on studying for my oh-so-important diploma's is grating. All the way, I'm beginning to realize that I make life difficult for myself. And that I can't stop.

I think I might be PMSing too, which never helps.

I don't have much to say tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will get along better - I am forcing myself to go to a group study session, which means I will actually focus. Which is always good. Maybe I can fix this weekend tomorrow... this week. I feel so gross and bloated from... three or four days of binging. Blarg.

Today's picture is nostalgic. This was my grad 9 "graduation" dress. Besides being about 4inches too short, it still "fits". By "fits" I mean it's a size 5/6. It's far, far too big around the bust /waist. Like, so big it was slouching in the back. It makes me wonder if it ever fit - I don't think it did. Makes me wonder if I was always so concerned with my stomach and my thighs and how big they looked... so I bought a dress a size or two (or 4) too big. I just remember feeling wonderful in that dress.

selfish

I am selfish. Everything I think, all I react to, all I expect... everything is about me me me. This whole blog is exhibit freakin' A. God. I wouldn't let myself sleep last night until I planned out my day to the 15minute mark. I wouldn't. When the bus was late, I blamed myself - when my bank card expired and I had to give up on a purchase at the mall - it was my fault, my karma. When I came home and binged, then stopped for a few hours, then binged again... it was all to avoid things I couldn't deal with. When I sat down with my mother and she started crying and blaming herself for my callousness, for the fact that I've never had a boyfriend, that I'm so hard on myself, that I have bad self-image, that I hate my dad, all I could think was - NO it's not YOU it's Me.

I'm so done with myself.

Probably consumed over 3000 calories today. Didn't study at all. No music. Nothing besides 1hr of walking.

I hate myself for no goddamn reason other than I am obsessed with myself and I have to find something to critisize because I am a selfish bitch. WHY DO I CARE?

I'm not a pity case. I'm not someone who should recieve support... I'm here, begging for attention, because without it I die. Because I can't get it anywhere else. Me me me. Just burn me down. Like a beetle-infested tree that, despite it's contagious disease, wants to live. Burn.

a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

Somehow, I managed to wake up this morning feeling terrible about everything. I just knew when I opened my eyes: today is going to be painful.

I tried to fix it by stuffing myself silly. But, as we all know, that tends to be rather counter productive.

I tried to exercise in order to boost morale. I had to stop because everything jiggled; everyone could see.

I tried to study and begin to prepare for round 2 of diplomas. My brain shut off and something kept asking, Why bother?

I don't know what it was. What the trigger was. I had a really good day yesterday... I did. I ate too much, sure, but I spent time with my lovely, silly friends. Hell, I may have found my grad dress! I spent a very long time (almost 2hrs... haha) indulging my Z. fantasy as we cuddled watching a movie.

So why the hell couldn't I do anything today? Why did I spend hours today eating, blasting Fionna Apple, crying, staring at myself in the mirror. Right now all I can think is:

No one is ever, ever going to love you. You are never going to get what you want. You're not worth anyone's time. No one is going to think you're good enough. No guy is ever going to look twice at you, or want to deal with you. No one can fix you. No professor or employer or scholarship advisor is ever going to think you are good enough.

And, for god's sake I know most of those things aren't true. But some very well could be... I don't know. I guess I don't have anything else to say about this fail of a day. /rhyming.

Walk, Don't Run

This is today's picture. Pretty self explanatory, but I love the colors and the... I don't know, the elementary-ness behind it.

So, the title of today's post should really be: "Good intentions smashed by a shopping excursion and too-long photowalk. Day ends in a bloated, over-stuffed, broke Greene cuddling Z. while crying during the black-kid's funeral scene in Across the Universe because it reminded her of her grandfather's funeral a few years earlier (which she attended spitefully and now regrets her attitude towards more than anything else)."

Yah.

Story of my life.

Essentially, excersize (besides walking around and trying on grad dresses for 4hrs) and a 30ish minute walk was minimal. Food was excessive, but OK. Everything I ate (sushi, low-cal green tea frozen yogurt and some kind of thin-crust 6' pizza) I split with someone, so that makes it a little bitty better. I did, however, download TONS of music today - everything from Mary J Blige to Spice Girls to Nat King Cole. I'm in the process of cleaning my room...

Yah.

Story of my life.

Loves. I'm exhausted, so I apologize for the fragmented post. Keep leaving music suggestions... I'll need some for tomorrow for sure!

Olympia

Did I forget to mention I was carrying the Olympic Torch? Yah... it was incredible... I think. It went by so fast. I think it will hit me tomorrow. I ran with a team of volunteers through a local community.

I woke up feeling fat and ugly. Imagine that. Kept to the regime, though. Unfortunately, I am also confused now because I have been half-convinced to apply-to (and I will get in) to a specialty program at one of Dal's sister universities for my first year. It's more expensive, challenging and exclusive. I'm torn.

I'm also exhausted, if you can't tell. More tomorrow. I didn't study today (bad!) but that's excusable. I'm devoting most of tomorrow to it. This picture on top is a cheat - It's one I took yesterday and it was my favorite from the bunch - but I felt the self-portrait was more fitting for the post. I love it because, despite the seat technically being empty... it's almost like the shadows fill the seat (because they disappear at the top). In the bottom corner is my own shadow, or rather, the shadow of a person obviously taking a photo of what seems to be nothing - begging the question: is there something there? Deep, man. Deep.

The one on the bottom is one taken today. That is indeed the olympic torch and the wonderful sky.

I love you all, and you rock. I'm sorry, I am a terrible, hypocritical person and I am awful at commenting on your blogs, but I always read them!

P.S ANA'S GIRL THANK YOU FOR INTRODUCING ME TO 3OH!3. Keep leaving music suggestions lovelies:)

14 Days

At work last night, I was thinking about how I am going to maintain my sanity for the next two weeks before reading break is over. My need to feel, look, be... skinny is slowly dissipating into a throbbing desire to be confident in my body and to have some amount of control. I have 3 exams to write yet, and I need to have some structure.

I got up this morning and binged for almost 2hrs. Not even a vegetable-ladden binge, but a real binge. I haven't... It's been almost three weeks singe I've done that. Ugh. It feels awful. The worst part? I have to shower still, so I have to face the consequence. Maybe it's a good thing then...

As I was saying, at work I decided that I needed a plan for the next 14 days. Something that is flexible enough to not provoke my latent, ever-present OCD and self-mutilating tendencies, but also something that I can rely on.

So here is my 14 Revitalize Plan
Focus on abs: My arms are alright, my thighs/hips can't be helped by anything other than rapid weight loss. If I can get rid of (or at least tighten) my flabby middle, maybes strengthen my legs, maybe I can live with this for a while. This means:

• 100 Crunches a day (min 25 at a time)
  
• 150 Bicycles a day (min 25 at a time)
• 50 Squats
• 50 Push ups (girl ones count... for now!)

Move more: Take at least one 15minute walk everyday

Stretch: Commit to morning (before showering) and evening (before bedtime) stretches and call Chiropractor to get some for strengthening my back.

Take Control: I am almost 18. I need to start accumulating my assets under my own name and begin to become more independent.

• Get all banking information under my name, invest and open school savings account
• Change phone plan + start paying for my own bills
• Sign up for Driver's Education

Revitalize: I crave variety. I become happier if I hang around different people, do different things, focus on what I need to focus on and play later.

• Commit at least 1hr to studying everyday
• Apply to 5 more scholarships by Feb 1st
• Download one new album everyday
• Take a day and go explore downtown - shopping, art, entertainment
  
• Take my camera and take one picture, with a purpose and meaning, everyday
• Make an effort to have time and energy to be with people
• Organize my room (it might take 14 days...)

...and that's it.
Wish me luck :)
And thank you for your comments on my last post. They made me feel a little more at ease.

This is my day 1 picture :) It's a self portrait of sorts... I thought it appropriate. Love the colors of this fence.

Oh! P.S Leave a suggestion for any music I should look at! I'd love so see what you all listen to.

Admit to Imperfection?

Grad dress shopping was... amazing. I had such an amazing day with the group of girls I went with, and I totally forgot about my terrible Social Studies written diploma . I felt kind of left out during some of it, but I realize my place is the quite, random, mature, objective one in the group. But I am in the group. And that makes me very happy.

I also tried on some beautiful, expensive gowns - which always feels good. Especially because they were size 2s (empire waist or ball gown) and 4s (mermaid style, due to the hips)... Grad plans were made, ridiculousness was had.

The negatives of the day - besides the exam - were the facts that I broke my cleanse a day early and definitely ate way too much wheat/sugar. I have minor wins on that front though - including ordering only a half-sized, whole wheat, non-cream-based pasta dish and a low-cal, no-sugar, fish-oil-enriched chocolate bar as dessert.

Also, we went back to Zs house. It's hard because there is another girl, Stef, who just throws herself at Z constantly. And, I can see it working. I just have to get over him, because it's not going to happen... no matter how much I want it to. Did I mention he speaks french? Ugh. Anyways...

I've been terrible with eating as the cleanse ended. A lot of it is just my triggers being pulled - bad feelings about exams, university and family pressure, overall unorganized thoughts, but some of it is, I truly think, that I am getting sick and my body was like: "Ok... you need to feed me actual carbs and energy so I can function. Now." I'm also PMSing, so the sugar thing is only made worse.

If you can't tell, I am in an extremely forgiving mood right now. I don't know what it is, and I'm trying to find insight into why I feel half-decent about myself right now. I was playing 20 Questions with myself, as I do often, and I asked myself "If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be?" Usually my answer would be, "Everything" or "My perfectionism" or "My metabolism"... but today... I just wondered if I would end up the same. If not... I don't know.

I don't like how I look. I don't like how obsessed I am with my life and how I do or don't fit into clothes, groups or expectations. I don't like how my personality is intimidating. I don't like how I hang on to the past and how bitter I have let myself become. I don't like my family dynamic. I don't like my financial situation. I don't like my grades or commitment level right now.

I like that I care about things in the world. I like that I have some amount of insight. I like my general level of intelligence. I like that I can get along with my peers AND my elders. I like that people trust me. I like that other people think I am unique and mysterious. I like that I can put on a mask to protect my friends from the truth of my imperfection.

So, tonight, I am torn. How much do I really want to be so obsessed with everything that is wrong with myself? How much more do I really want to hurt? Then again, how much do I want to get help? How much to I want to let other people in?

How much do I want to admit to imperfection?

Hm.

I don't know.

And that's where I am tonight. Full, contented, confused. We'll see how it looks in the morning.

Unspeakable

These last few days have been hectic; my diploma (i.e worth 50% of your entire mark) exams have now begun. My out look on life has remained hovering above the line between OK and Wonderful. I find that as common stress-inducers, such as exams, get closer - and as everyone starts freaking out and getting depressed - I fake a lot more. Like today I wrote Part A, written of my English diploma and I didn't allow myself to get nervous lest I break not only my own perfect mask, but the confidence of my friends.

What hasn't happened this week? I've woken up happy and depressed, gotten angry and wanted to cut, been jealous and hateful. Conniving and deceitful, mostly. Desperate.

I've been bottling everything up again. Not that I ever truly stopped, I just started talking about certain things with certain people and it kept everything from reaching the brink. But... I mean, last night - and tonight, though not as bad - I got so desperate for SOMETHING that I binged on vegetables, homemade lowcal hummus and oatmeal. I just ate and ate. I stayed on my cleanse, but I binged. What a fuckup. Like, really? If I'm going to stuff myself, at least deviate from the diet so I can get what I want sooner.

Tomorrow brings two frightening things:
1) Social Studies diploma
Understand, Social Studies is my thing. I own social studies like Stalin owns his mustache. But I haven't studied, and I literally know nothing about anything. It's two blind essays I have to write in 3hrs tomorrow and I'm scared shitless that i'll walk into the class and blank. I'm scared my teacher will be disappointed. I'm scared to show people a weakness - that I couldn't get my mind off my binge long enough to study. More than anything, I am scared for university - I am scared that this mark may say to proffessors that I'm not good enough to get into a social sciences program. I'm scared I'm going to be pursuing the wrong thing... ugh. I'm just scared.

2) Dress Shopping with a natural size 0, Z's gorgeous cousin and two more girls who are normal sized but extremely confident and have no issue letting their "curves" show.
I'm scared that my binge will show. I know it's destroyed my sense of cleanliness - my stomach is bloated. How can I step out in a form-fitting dress and giggle and laugh while my ugliness is right there in front of their faces? But, I have to do it. I want to too... because I am finally being included in their group. God, at least the cleanse will prevent me from indulging in mall junk food.

I am exhausted and I need to sleep. Did I mention I'm taking sleep medication now? I love it. Pop one and be out for hours. Nothing is easier. I can't wait for what this entails as the exam break goes on. Finally, I'll have time for the gym, for the library, for myself...

P.s Writing up that project about Eating Disorders turned out to be insanely difficult. I tried to present a moderate opinion... but, god, I went to one of the mandatory research sites that basically blamed every manifestation of eating disorders in teens on models, media and emotional "distress". Also, it was often a way of acting out against parents and peers.

Ugh. I wanted to go on about how wrong it was. And, to an extent, I did. But I had to reign myself in because I would give away too much... anyways.

Sorry, I'll try and post more often.

A Community Effort? Please read!

So, this post is going to be a little wee bit out of the ordinary.

I have little to say about today other than it was moderately successful - save for a forgivable mistake where I ate a small, plain wheat pancake instead of a barley-soymilk pancake (ew, right? but I was running late and had to grab something on the fly) and a sleepless night. End story. What I do have is a few questions and... well, not proposal, but I guess just something to throw out there.

Firstly, and one would think I would know the "right" (is there one?) answer to this, but when is the correct/most accurate time to weigh yourself? Based purely on what I believe to be logic, I usually get up, walk up stairs, pee, undress, weigh myself, then shower.

However, this morning I had a strange experience. I did just that and I came in at 132. What in great blue sky? 8ilbs over night? Nooo. I showered and dried my hair (which, hilariously enough, adds about 2-3ilbs when soaking wet!) At that point, I weighed 137. After having a single glass of water and an apple, because I was kind of confused, I weighed again. This time I was at 142.

That's right, 10ilbs gained in under an hour.

WHAT THE HECK. Can someone tell me what happened? What should I believe?

Secondly, I am doing a project in "Life Management" class about "Healthy Choices for the Teenage Brain". I pretty much kill myself laughing through the class as we "explore" the impacts of unhealthy choices and as the online teacher crones over our less-than-half-assed work sending back responses like:

This is very interesting _____. Well done, you truly explore points that I haven't even thought of! You should talk to guidance.

or

You seem to have good knowledge about ______. Have you ever had to experience it? Come and talk to me if you want!

or the ever-dreaded

Come see me.

Um. No. I'm sorry if you believe that my response about how parent's controlling their teens internet use does little - if nothing - to prevent cyber bullying is suspicious. It's the truth, sir. Preach. Ugh. Anywho... the project:

I'm doing a "multimedia, informative presentation" on eating disorders. My disdain for the class pushed me to pick the subject as both a matter or ease and a matter of irony because, simply due to the teacher's ridiculously low IQ and my ridiculously impeccable reputation as a student, it will be praised as a work of compassion and understanding.

May I get a L O L?

So, my question to all you lovelies is what topics should I explore about what we know best.

What secrets of our secret society shall I reveal! What shall be kept secret? What would you say? What may be too revealing? Or should I open my cache of thinspo sites and go Ctrl C? What are the most important aspects of this? Misconceptions? Correct stereotypes? You tell me :)

[P. S - Dot you rock my socks right off my toes. ]

[P. P. S - sorry for this ridiculous post. As I said, I had max 30mins of sleep last night. Huzzah, huzzah! ]

Blood's Boiling; Day 7

I feel terrible writing a painful, angry post right now.

Mostly because, in general, I had a really good weekend. I hung out with people on Friday, even had some (extremely innocent, nothing happened) time alone with Z. in the hot tub. Saturday I studied all day, then went swimming and movie-ing with the same crowd. I'm damn sure now he doesn't like me, he's seen me in a swim suit beside several variations of skinny, pretty girls. Oh well.

I woke up this morning just in a bad mood. Simply in a bad mood. Everything was wrong. I weighed and measured myself - no change. It's completely frustrating because I've worked so hard to follow the regimen and exercise.

I'm more frustrated because I am, more than anything probably, an emotional binge eater. So today, for example, when my dad goes off on me about not having a picture-perfect room and not waking up early enough, and he threatens not to let me go to Dal (to which I responded that I would be legal and could do whatever I wanted by that point - he yelled at me for being impertinent and disrespectful), all I can think about is food.

To an extent, the cleanse is like a second-layer of protection. One that is accountable and over-arching the emotional self-hate. To an extent, I'm thinking - GOD why am I doing this? It's making everything worse. I'm not doing this for my mom, not even for myself... this is for ana/ed. And... right now, that is not good.

Right now, I think I am the the ugliest, stupidest, worthless person I know. Lazy. I question the word feel, because the tightness in my chest that I am feeling right now accompanies every negative emotion I have.

I want to just punch something. To cut something. To DO something.

But I won't because I am a good girl.

Because if I become any more of a psychopath then I already am, then I am guaranteed to never have a) a boyfriend, b) success, c) happiness.

So, I am sorry for the negative vibes. I also think it's bad to post this because I feel (haha) like I'm only ever complaining on this. Whine whine whine. /end.

P.S I couldn't find a picture for this post. So, you get some crappy doodles of mine for visual stimulus. Hurrah.

Day 4;

Excuse me while I have moment:

...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.
OH MY GOD.

...

Sorry.

Approximately 20mins before bedtime I went and checked the mail and walked to dog. On this frigid night, who knew what was waiting me? Oh. I do. My ACCEPTANCE LETTER to DALHOUSIE UNIVERSITY (One of Canada's "Ivy League" universities, so to speak). I am VERY stoked on life right now. I am also extremely nervous and anxious and freaking-out-ish, but I can't stop smiling so I assume it's more stoked-ness than nervousness-ness...

I've dreamt of attending Dalhousie since I was... well, probably since Grade 6 when I started thinking about universities. It's going to cost me an arm and a leg - and later in life, the student debt will probably slowly gorge out my eyes - but I DON'T CARE.

So yeah.

The day kind of stinked until then - not for any particular reason. Just recovering from yesterday. And surviving on very little sleep and 3 failed attempts at caffienation (no lies, made 2 separate cups of coffee - one that spilled and one that I forgot at home in the thermos - and then forgot my stach of green-tea at home so I couldn't have emergency caffeine at school). And people being stupid.

AND breakup drama. Why does being in high school constitute taking a moderately insignificant issue and exploding it into vast clusterfucks of idiocy? Moreover, why do actors take other people's drama and make it their own?

Anyways. (this also ridiculously contributes to my uppity mood) Z. broke up with his girlfriend. It was a mutual agreement this morning and this afternoon they were playing 20 questions as friends because they didn't talk as a couple. But everyone is blowing it completely out of proportion and everyone else's relationship are now "on the rocks" and there are accusations flying around like little tweety-birds on cocaine. (yeah, I make sense)

I know that it's stupid to think anything about it... But when I heard they broke up... I smiled inwardly. I know it has nothing to do with me, but a girl can dream right?

SPEAKING OF DREAMS - I had a dream last night about binging. I'm pretty sure that the entire dream was just me eating cakes and junk. I woke up with an absolutely insane craving for icing and cupcakes and all sorts of stuff. I'm not someone who craves sweets. I crave things like sushi - savory things, salty things. Not cake. It was SO odd.

I know it was my mood and my cleanse that made it happen, but it was still so so weird. And upseting - I woke up thinking I had spent all night eating. Then I realized that we definitely didn't have cake or cookies or chips in the house. And it was alllll gooood.

Day 3

Today was rough. I've been resisting the urge to cut/binge/fall back into the internal-screaming self-hate loop all day. I feel myself becoming more OCD as the cleanse continues, which is both good and bad. It's good because I find it easier to sort out my thoughts, but it's bad because I end up freaking out more.

Like this morning I woke up late - which ruined my plan of doing early morning studying and screwed up my entire day's schedule. Ok. Fine. I go to Bio and find out that one of my friend's sister is manic depressive and is diagnosed with anorexia. She ranted about it for a while and, though she is lean, she is not anorexic nor does she have the mind set for it, now her parents are ragging on her about it.

Then, I got my last unit test back. It was a test I took on the 15th of December. That was right smack dab in the middle of my reoccurring depression, my almost cutting... I was so upset about Z. and about life in general. Should I really be surprised by the 70% I got? No. Am I extremely pissed off? Yes. They were STUPID mistakes - like counting and basic math stupid. I knew the material.

I just am so frustrated with myself now. Like, UGH. I am such an idiot. How did I let it get to me so much. Now I am freaking out because I need to go into the diploma with at least a 90% and this is going to bring it down so incredibly far. I wasn't going to take diploma prep because my parents don't have the money for it, but now I am freaking out because I NEED Bio for university. What if I bomb the test? What if I get upset and I can't calm down? What if I screw up everything?

I wrote "Idiot" on my wrist to remind myself all day.

And that was first period.

Social was a blind essay. The topic was OK and my thesis was good, but I was emotional because of Bio and I realized I should have talked about other things too late... ugh. UGH. I love social. If I fail this... god. I just want to SCREAM.

At lunch I was talking to a one of the other stage managers, Jess, and she was ranting about how everyone was going on about how skinny she was. She has lost like 7ilbs - and I am kind of worried because I've seen signs in her, but I also know she is having family issues and it might be depression or anxiety. Anyways, she has the perfect body - boobs, tiny tiny waist, decent hips but thin, shapely legs. And she's just there going on about how annoying it is to have people tell her she is thin and how stupid it is because she hasn't lot a noticeable amount of weight.

For me, personally, if someone were to say something about my weight I'd flip shit internally, but I wouldn't say anything. I am extremely touchy about it. It made me so uncomfortable. I was already mad and it took everything I had to not say, "Yeah, it must suck being gorgeous and wanted."

Spare I was mad.

English I was tired, unmotivated and mad. Then I got my last creative response back (mind, it was blind and we weren't allowed to write essays) and I got a B+. It is a decent grade, especially because I am NOT a creative writer, but because of the day I had had I freaking lost it inside. On the outside, I laughed and congratulated myself for passing. Lies, lies, lies.

I came home wanting nothing more than to sleep (I'm running on 8hrs for the past two days). But then I started watching eating-disorder related movies and docu's as well as listening to my cache of thinspo music. All the while I'm debating with myself over how DUMB it is to fall back into the loop and how DUMB it is to be indulging my own selfish obsession with myself while I should, really, be working on the mound of homework I have.

At the same time, I was thinking: I weighed 136ilbs this morning. Maybe if I can hold it together, someone will notice eventually. Maybe...

/my day.

Selfish?

Day 2 is done and successful :) Don't know the cal count because I didn't keep close track of almonds and a dab of olive oil dressing, but it's close to, if not under, 1000. Wonderful.

So, for Christmas my "main" gift (all the kids get one) was an Archos Vision 3 mp3 player. It was nice and I needed a new one but - honestly - I really wanted an iPod Touch. But, I also knew it was more expensive then they would spend. So, I happily accepted my gift. But then I started to use it. Understand that when people buy things for me I feel terrible - like, I have dreams - if I don't use it or something. I feel like I'm disappointing them or I'd hurt their feelings if I returned the gift or regifted or something. Anyways, the Archos is more of a video player than an mp3. It was difficult to use, too big, and over all it was not what I wanted.

But, it was from my parents! It was their present. What was I going to do, go up to them and say: "so, yeah... this sucks" ? I agonized over it. Finally, and I don't know what made me do it, but I hinted to my mom that the iPod was what I was actually interested in. And I ended up convincing her to let me put down the difference (about 100$) on the iPod and return the mp3.

Why is this so important to me?

I did it for myself. Me. Last year I would have said nothing to anyone and I would have lived with an mp3 that I hated. I don't do things like that. I don't tell my parents what I want. I don't freak out if things don't work out the way I want them to.

But, it has made me think a little more on my own selfishness. I constantly tell myself that I had to take a step back and start taking care of myself instead of throwing everything that I have into school and clubs and volunteering and friends. But then I loop back to worthlessness and my need to be needed. But then I come to the idea that since I need to be needed, even though I don't believe myself worth anyone or really anything from other people, aren't I - in a sense - existing on an entirely selfish whim? Everything that I do is only to feed my obsession with being wanted. What is even worse is that I am in permanent denial about that.

But, dude, I bought MYSELF a completely material, relatively unimportant or helpful piece of BRAND NAME technology. Obviously, if I am worth an overpriced tablet with music, then I am worth some self-confidence?

And the loop goes on.

Super Smiley Faces :D

This is going to be quick - but I've been sneaking on the internet all day to re-read your guys' comments and I really feel the need to just say THANK YOU so much. It's so stupid to feel suckish when people "ignore you" (which you weren't I know!) or "forget you" over the internet... but it did a little and I feel so stupid because with a flick of a button...

Haha, welcome to my life. Anyways, I will have a real post for you tonight - with something to say actually. I always get SO much love from you guys and I really, truly appreciate it. Blah-blah-blah, rambling.

I am surviving the first day back to school on this crazy cleanse - I feel a lot better already. That's something I really like about this particular diet, you feel it immediately. It's extremely difficult, even for someone who doesn't really care, to get enough calories every day. I felt like a pig yesterday, eating soups, fish, rice, nuts etc all day but in the end it came up to under 900cals...

Oh, right. I have class ;P
Ciao

Dot, Comment Fixing and the First 4days of 2010

First of all - Dot: I'm sorry you couldn't comment on my blog - some others have been having issues. I have removed the word verification aspect, but if it still doesn't work can someone let me know? I'll go back to the normal blogger layout because I'd rather have comments :)

Anyways, as always, especially from you, your post made me smile. I can never thank you, or anyone who comments, enough for the support and encouragement no matter where I am (or where I have been). Dot, YOU are a wonderful person. You're absolutely beautiful and so strong - completely admirable. I wish you the best for this New Year.

These first few days have been rollercoaster-y on the eating front, completely and annoyingly level on the weight front and increasingly better on the life front. Make sense? Good... yeah.

Starting with the life front. Most of you probably don't know, but last year I was FAR far closer to the graduating class than people in my own grade. It had to do with a maturity aspect and the fact that they appreciated me a lot more as someone who was often in a position of power (especially in theatre). That has led, I think, to the shock of having to deal with people of my own age this year - and the abandonment that comes with it. Anywho - the Gr.12s from last year were back these last 2weeks for Christmas and I've been out every night skating or having coffee or watching movies or whatever. It was like pumping steroids in to my social life. I'm going to miss it, but having them back has uped my confidence a little, you know? Maybe this semester will go a little bit better.

I've been sticking to my resolution too. I used to shut my eyes when I undressed to go to the shower, but I now force myself to look in the mirror and to look at the scars and the rolls. I force myself to say: OK. This is me. Time to change.

Change, however, is not coming quite yet. I've been 137-141 all throughout Christmas break. UGH.

HOWEVER. There is change a-comin'. Firstly, I have renewed my gym membership and my commitment to exercise. I've been twice so far and once school starts it'll be much easier as it's only a 10min walk. So, what's going to happen is I am going to BALLOON to 150-155 for a week as my body goes - "Oh shit muscle, oh shit water, oh shit lactic acid!" then I'll drop back to 140 and start losing HOPEFULLY.

Moreover, my mother has let me join her on a "cleanse" for support. However, she won't let me take the pills and laxatives that come along with the actual cleanse, so, for me, it's really just a diet. Which she is ok with for some reason. Anyways, it's a 12day Wild Rose Cleanse. This constitutes:

• no wheat
• no sugar (brown, white or honey)
• no oil or peanuts
• no processed food
• no dairy products (milk, cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese)
• no exotic fruits (only pears and apples)
• no beef

Sound like a recipe for weightloss or what? The ideal diet is fish, almonds and brown rice.

Today was Day 1 and I am committed! I can't bring myself to post a real before picture... maybe half way through. How about measurements?

Waist: 25"
Thigh: 22" (GAG, almost as thick as my waist!)
Belly: 29.5" (GAG)
Bust: 34" (poor little A's)
Hips: 39" (GAG)

Weight: 140
Height: 5"9.5"
BMI: 20.3

It's about time too. There has been cake and all other manner of shit in my house for the last few days. Plus, my secret santa at work got me a basket of Lindor chocolates as her gift to me. Whoopee. Out of the 40, I only had 3 I think - the rest I shared. Which is a small victory since those things are bloody delicious.

So, the picture is my outfit for a recent Murder Mystery party. I was a bitchy, Caribbean debutante-heiress named "Berri". Sorry for the random, rambling post. I'm avoiding homework and facebook is no longer interesting me... Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!

New Years Resolution

Well, it's 2010. For me, without a shadow of a doubt, it is going to be a year of endings. I will finish my life as a public-school attendee; I will graduate high school and accomplish the first major milestone in my academic life. Yet, it will also be a year of great beginnings. I will start university and become independent as an adult and as a person - fully and completely - and I will embark on a completely new road of life.

I'm not one who believes in resolutions - I break mine too often. But, this year, as much as I want to list: a) lose weight, b) get a guy, c) graduate with a 85%+ average etc etc I have something more broad in mind. It's something that, I think, is going to essentially cover everything, yet I am not defining how to go about it.

In 2010, I resolve to move on.

I resolve to move on from the stupidity and hurtful scars inflicted by my peers in Elementary school and Jr. High. I resolve to take family life in stride and to always remember that, beyond the years of verbal, physical and emotional abuse and neglect, they are my family. And I resolve to move beyond the mirror, beyond my plate, beyond my blade and beyond this blog to embrace my issues and my scars and to, finally, truly and sincerely begin to disassemble the pristine mask that is plastered permanently across my face. I resolve to move on from what everyone knows me to be and what I think I should be in response in order to begin to become who I am.

Think I can do it?

(p.s - last year, one of my nyr's was to live a gr.12 life I would want to remember - so for the first time I spent new years with 8 of my closest friends. We drank, ate, played games and spilled beans on eachother's shit. And it was something I'd want to remember.)