Yesterday, I won a city-wide peace medal. I didn't feel anything. I actually didn't. Besides nerves, I wasn't excited, or happy, or interested, or inspired, or even hateful. Just nothing. Numb. The greatest honour I've ever received and all I could think was NOTHING. ..
I was, perhaps, confused. I don't think of myself as being anything worth honouring. So, why should I get this? How can a committee of people who've never met me decide I deserve such an award?
I did this activity called "My Guiding Star". For each of these points, I picked up a "value" to fill in. It's not mean to be tarot-card-esque or a prediction tool, it's meant to be suggestions on what to focus on. It is made relevant, I know that, it's not fate that picked the most amazingly relevant values to me... but the ones I got were insanely brilliant.
For my family: Strength
I need to have the strength to realise my family does not define me. My issues with my father - especially representative in a fight tonight - are not the most important. I have to have the strength to not let it be the be-all and end-all of my day and of my feeling.
For my work: Creativity
For my relationship: Healing
I especially love this one. At first, I got scared. What relationship? I have none... rant rant rant. Oh! I need to heal myself and let myself open up to the possibility, the commitment of having better relationships and possibly a romantic one. I am so hurt and so torn from every boy who has ever rejected me or has used me. Despite my own fundamental desire/need for someone to love me, I am cynical about it. I need to heal myself before anything can happen.
For my social life: Forgiveness
For my self development: Easiness
Take a breath, take a step back, laze, ponder, be easy with yourself. I have to learn to be less self-hating. To ease up on myself. Or else... I honestly don't know if I can make it through the year.
My foundation: Insight
I analyze everything. This blog shows that. This post shows that. I am insight. It's... perfect.
Anyways. My days have been full and busy and feigned. I'm trying to apply these values.
I am down to 141ilbs. It's more motivation. I've been 145 and felt SKINNY because I was FIT. Now, I'm nearly 140 and feel fat because I am.
Night <3
2 comments:
I think any time you choose to make an effort in your own, you do something positive. It doesn't really matter what made you do it, but if taking that test/whatever it was has made you feel even an inkling more inner peace and the keywords help you to do positive things for yourself, then I am just elated for you.
I would write more, but I haven't slept and my hands are shaking. Good thing I'm not off to do something important, you know, like watching someone's child ...
*facepalm*
I hope you're doing OK. I really, really do.
Congratulations on your medal. I know you deserved it, even if you don't believe that you did.
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