Friday, August 7, 2009

Such a great day...Day 2 Down

Hey everyone =D I laughed so hard at the comments left on my last post! What on earth is happening to our society? Also, new follower, hello and welcome. 18, wow. <3 <3 <3

So, as the title suggests, Day 2 of fasting was a success... Even though I kind of cheated with some Coke Zero and 0 cal mints. It's all still 0 cals, but artificial sweeteners blah blah blah. It's alright though. The one thing I hate about fasting is the water weight retention. When I weighed this morning, I was up at 145 (which is so not right), then dropped to 140 by mid-day, and I'm sure is less now but I can't get at the scale. What is up with that? Actually, does anyone know why, while fasting, your water weight fluctuates so much? Or is it just me?

I haven't done this well fasting, or been this positive about it...ever. I know what the factor is too - it's work. Right now, we're really busy, and today we had like 5 people call in sick. I was supposed to be putting new merchandise on the floor, but I think out of the 8 hours I worked, I spent 3 hours doing that. The rest of the time was spent covering breaks, going on cash, running to fitting rooms, doing price checks - everything! I love that. I love not having time to think, and more so, I love being needed. It's a little pathetic, and it's probably why I can never say no to people, but I have this serious, pathological need to feel worth and feel needed wherever I am. So, when I hear a call on the intercom for me, I feel this quick, uplifting happiness. And when I did maybe have time to think, I was too busy being a perfectionist. I don't know if anyone here has ever been to a Winners, but it's kind of like a consignment store in that there is everything, everywhere, and there is always more stuff to make room for - so it's never 100% organized or even 80% organized. It's very OCD of me, but, for example, working in shoes and being told to just pick shoes off the ground so it is easier for the morning staff to clean and not worry about if they're in the right section... oh it kills me! KILLS ME. Between being OCD in a perpetually unorganized store and being busy and running everywhere, there is no time to think about hunger or to get depressed.

I work again tomorrow, and I haven't hit the wall of depression that fasts usually entail for me, so if I can sneak around my dad in the morning, I will fast too. Actually, the hardest part of tomorrow is going to be avoiding food after closing at Winners - because a friend-of-a-friend is picking me up right from there to come babysit until who-knows-when. I'm terrible for taking advantage of the "eat anything you want" policy of parent-partiers. I'm bringing my laptop, so hopefully they have internet and I'll be able to distract myself with internet, tv and exercise. Wish me serious luck on that one.

If you can't tell, I'm feeling the cleansing energy and happiness of today. It's actually the first time in a long time I've truely felt anything. I spent my entire childhood... pretty much right up until this years year-end cast party in June, hiding my emotion, bottling it, being content feeling perfectly numb. It's hard, now, to feel anything. Most of the time, even on this blog, when I say "I feel" something, I am regurgitating what I think I should feel. I'm trying to break myself of the habit. Being known as the cold-hearted bitch is no fun.

Speaking of being a bitch, the bestest parts of my day were when one of my co-workers (who's the big-latino stereotype - big hair, big makeup, big earrings, big accent. Love her) teased me about falling into a customer, and how he probably didn't even feel it, I was so skinny. The second best part was when I got an email from E. And how he ended it telling me how "spectacular" I look in a bikini. I don't even have the hate in me to refute it =D

Sorry no picture today, I transferred my pictures to my external hard drive by accident. This is one of my favorite paintings though, so it'll do.


Savory Sweet said...

that's wonderful that you're starting to open up more, coming from someone who bottled up her emotions until everything exploded in college. oops. I wish you continued success on that front!!

You can try taking water pills (in moderation of course) while fasting to help with the water retention, and it will give you a bit of a caffeine perk. If you take a proper dosage it's really not more than a cup or 2 of coffee in a concentrated dose, plus Advil.

All my support!

Ana's Girl said...

I love being busy too. It makes you forget that you're trying not to eat, and thus you don't feel hungry because you don't realize you haven't eaten... or is that just me? Did that make any sense? Lol.

I always need to feel needed too, and i can't tell people no very easily (which is bad bad bad when they're offering food). I'm such a people pleaser. Do you think that's part of the ED mentality? I think it would make sense. You know, skinny people are more pleasing to look at, right?

And also, i've stopped having feelings for the most part too. I never cry about anything (unless it's ED related), and i really never feel emotions. We're a lot alike, aren't we. But i'm glad to hear that you're getting over it and opening up, because you're right, being a cold-hearted bitch isn't fun at all. And yet there is that saying "If you can't love, you can't hurt"... True that.

You must be making progress if people are telling you you're skinny and sexy!! Yay! Keep up the good work.

Chiara said...

I agree with ana's girl... you must be making progress!!
Thats the thing I hate about fasts too.. in the morning I'll run to the bathroom expecting to see marked improvemnt in the stomach area I get disappointed.
I should really ditch those 0 calorie liquids...
good luck!!

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