Wednesday, August 5, 2009

138 & Catchup


Thaaaaats right, down 2 ilbs. Thank JESUS. It's not much, it's not much at all, but it's still something! There isn't much better than losing again after a week of plateauing. I'm really pleased too because of the crazy eating of the last few days while I was away, I was scared I was gonna be back at my start weight. I have a secret hope that more of it will drop once I get regular again (tmi?). I swear to god, fruit and veggies and whole grain are foreign words to my east-coast family (love 'em, but really?!). White toast and eggs and bacon for breakfast, grilled cheese or sandwiches for lunch and big, extravagant dinners where the only veg on the table is the salad...slathered in dressing! From even a normal persons point of view, there is a serious lacking of fibre here!

I apologize to everyone for two reasons; one, for missing a few days here and leaving you with such a terribly titled post, and two, for how long this one is going to be! I did have this long list of things to talk about, things that dawned on me while away - but I've lost it, so we'll see.

The plane ride home was a roller coaster of depression, you're so bored all you have time to do is think about everything. I was, at one point, watching this show called More to Love. It's essentially The Bachelor for over-weight/ "curvy" people. I actually got very emotional. These beautiful girls crying and sobbing about never being loved for the way they looked, giving examples of the cruelty of our vain, image obsessed culture. I related to them, because the "fat people deserve love too" mentality is something I cling to... Then I look at the numbers, 5'5 and 190ilbs and up, and I realize I'm thin to these people. I should not have these thoughts of hate. I felt very annoyed with myself for not loving myself - they can, why can't I? It makes me wonder... ok, even if I am not over-weight, I have the same experiences as these big big girls - what the hell is wrong with me?!

And then I started thinking about E., the reunion-guy. He's a teddy bear, not obese by any means, but over-weight sure. He also has severe plaque psoriasis (I have a minor case myself), yet when I remember him now, I still think he is very handsome. When I was around him, I was constantly thinking, "How are you this confident?". I'm a hopeless romantic, if you can't tell. We're not going to go anywhere, but he's certainly one of those long distance friends who you connect with and will call first instead of people who you see every day.

When I turned the channel, I landed on Intervention. One of the addicts was a bulimic stripper. When she spoke of her life, her hate and her reasons for "filling the void". I got really upset because I began to admit to myself that I had no good reason to be so hateful of myself, I had no good reason to starve myself or to self-harm. So, I must be a selfish, vain bitch. Cue cycle.

Then, just because I'm a masochist, I turned to Say Yes to the Dress. Can someone say love, marriage, and loneliness fears?

To add to all of this, there was a baby in front of me who screamed the entire way and I had a major allergic reaction to hell knows what. My face broke out in hives (lovely) and was hot and itchy. I had a hard time breathing. Everyone was asleep, thankfully, so I just sat through it. The pain distracted me sometimes.

Yesterday was a bit of a disaster, I was going to fast and then my mom started to make ribs. I knew if I wanted to avoid it, I'd have to make something to eat myself. But then she just kept looking at me, glaring with that all-knowing mom-glare, so I had something else... and more... and more... it wasn't a terrible binge, probably 800-cals, but still not happy. I went babysitting and didn't eat anything and did situps/bicycles/etc for an hour. When I got home, my lovely brother had brought home 4 pizzas for dinner. I couldn't resist chew-and-spitting (my only method of "purging") like 3 pieces. Disgusting.

I'll update later again tonight because my modeling interview is today. It seems very informal and there isn't a weight/height requirement so I don't really know what to expect. I'm freaking out about it, but I plan to avoid as many carbs as possible and keep cals low low low. I have lots to do, so no gym time for me, but I will do the 45min walk to the bank, then walk to the drugstore, then home, so all in all it should be a 1hr30min walking day + some body exercises.

Here's a recent (and still gross) pic of me. I really need to lose those thighs! But I need to put it up so I can have a before and after. The other pics of this post (I hope they kept you slightly interested!) are some of my favs from this trip. Isn't my cousin gorgeous? Her eyes are spectacular. Anyways, I'll be back later I'm sure. Wish me luck, lovelies.

<33

4 comments:

Buffy said...

You know you're pretty skinny... and you've got good proportions. If you keep going I think you'll probably be able to lose the thighs you don't like. You look good though.

x x x

pokerface said...

You do look great, but I'm not happy with my thighs either so I understand :) welcome back! well done on the 2lbs. Such such good news :) I hate plane journeys too... especially when you've had no sleep, a hangover and too much coffee. :)

Ana's Girl said...

Yay for breaking the plateau! And that sounds so tough living with people who eat that all the time. Wow. How'd you do it?! Lol.

And i don't think you look gross at all. Keep up the good work, and soon enough, you'll agree with me. :) Stay strong.

Dot said...

Congrats on losing! I just need to break my plateau now : ( And wow! That bikini photo is hott! You're looking so amazing! Such a nice hourglass figure.
Plane rides...bleh... : / Just pop a vicodin and a martini I say.
Never apologize for a long blog! I love long blogs! And your posts are always so interesting!
Don't feel bad about feeling bad ; ) You shouldn't feel like you have to be happy just because other people are happy. Thinking like that will just make you feel crazy and more unhappy <3
Stay strong <3

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