Monday, August 24, 2009

More Like Big, Big, Birds

...instead of butterflies in my stomach right now.

Today was by far the most intense, stressful day I've had in a very long time. It was also, I think, the hardest day ever regarding ED. Quite literally - I woke up angry at myself for eating so much the night before, nervous out of my mind to get my schedule, hating my fat/ my thinking, and wanting food. I was so crazy into a binge (later on) that I don't remember it. I hung out with friends, laughed harder and longer than I have in weeks, but couldn't stop thinking about food and comparing myself in size to everyone and every thing around me. Even right now I feel absolutely disgusting for just eating a 3/4 cup of blueberries. At the same time, I feel (these are actual feelings, btw) aggravated that I even have to worry about it.

I'm sitting annoyingly at 140. That's about 3 weeks at this stupid plateau. I know, I know - I'm fricking lucky all the stupid binge weight never stuck. I know I am. At the same time, I'm sure an extra 10ilbs would kick my lazy ass into gear. I need to start recording, planning, calculating again.

I say that. Just like I say I'll clean my room, or organize binders, or make outfits, or go for a photowalk. Then I don't. I stay on my computer, or I go and eat, or... no, that's about it.

Sincerely, with all my heart, I know I'm not fat. I know that. That doesn't mean I don't want just as sincerely to lose weight. It doesn't change the equally true fact that I think my life will be better if I am at least thin(ner). Both sides are so strong. I have lost control again, because if "logic" wins - I eat...and can't stop. If Ed/ana wins I fast for days. Arggg.

Speaking of fasting, I want to fast so bad. But both parents are constantly home... and I don't have the capacity right now. I'm so mad at myself for being such a wimp. Even to do it the healthy way, I should have been able to lose 20ilbs in two months. But no.

Which brings me to the lovely climax of this whole day. My photoshoot tomorrow which I am SO not prepared for as far as my confidence and body goes. I feel gross, bloated. Indigestion. I have most of my stuff ready, but that means nothing if I can't be as confident and as thin (I was 135...for my interview) as I was when we met. Plus, in 3/4 of my outfits, you can see my healing cuts. Loooovely. Note to freakin' self, FORESIGHT. I was thinking about it, and even if he sees them... I'll say I just fell in to a tree or something. If he knows, or if he figures it out, he won't say anything. And, in fact, it's kind of nice. I'll be able to look at them and think about strength. They're part of my graduation, my moving on... my story. So oh well for me.

I'm really feeling lonely right now. Lonely and nervous. I think it's for school.

On any form of plus side, I probably spent a good 1+hours of biking and 40+mins of walking today.

Tomorrow I want to fast, but I don't know if I can because after the photoshoot it's my friends surprise 18th. Cake, and junk. Yippeee. I won't get away with not eating at all... and i've been a pig all week so my stomach will react to not eating in the studio. What I REALLY want to do is cut "DON'T EAT" in my palm. That would stop me. But no, I think I'll end up having a low-cal breakfast (or trying to) then taking a shit-ton of gum to the party and seeing how long I last. Lots of dancing.

Anyways, I have to go to bed and try to get some form of beauty sleep. It pisses me off I can't be confident in my body and my abilities. I was PICKED to do this... God, I'm screwed. Sorry this was so negative.


Anonymous said...

You'll get through it, you'll be ok. As for cutting, it's your choice. I would, however, encourage you to regard with the same logic applied to tattoos...Do you want to look at it on your body for the next 50 years? And check out mederma, it's supposed to help with scarring.

Ana's Girl said...

I'm sure you'll look lovely in the pictures anyway. At least you've realized the reason why you're not losing and you now want to fix it. I'm sure you'll be able too.

...I've wanted to carve ED related stuff into my body before too, but don't do it. Just imagine what would happen if someone were to see'd kinda be screwed.

Stay strong, start over again, and think thin!

Yum said...

Sorry you're feeling so crappy. It's hard when your only options are "starve until I pass out" or "eat until I explode".

What do you do for exercise? Maybe try switching to something else to break the plateau?

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