Monday, August 10, 2009

Bruised and Broken

Terrible day yesterday - eating wise. It was going to be good. I woke up with motivation. Then again, I woke up to being called in to work. That was ok, but I had to scarf down something cause I was in a rush. Thankfully, I had the time to make a little orange lunch. I have this thing with matching colours of food if I can. Anyways, I threw some sweet potato and carrot and salsa (maybe 1 1/2 cups max all together), and a small apple for a snack.

Work was good and busy.

Got home and that's where the bad news started. I came home and planned to have a fruit/veggie bowl of sorts and call that it. But then, my parents made spinach, herb chicken, cream pasta. Barf (except it was sooo good). Anyways, I took just a little cause I wanted some and I wanted to try the new "eat a little to avoid a binge" policy. So did not work. Half because my mom served me her left overs with the "You're so little" excuse laced with the "Eat it, or else." I'm pretty dang sure she knows I was fasting, which is a bummer, but she's just keeping an eye now. Having two problem children is not something she wants, and she knows I can interpret signals pretty damn well.

So I ate it. And then ate some more because, well, what the heck. Fuck. THEN had a shit load of watermelon. I know I overate because I'm all bloated and indigestion-y. Any regular person would lay off food, or at least go lighter, when they feel like this. But I can't, because Hawk-Eyes is watching. It's almost the start of school... I'm too busy to deal with this publicly.

I'm scared to get on the scale this morning.

I was starting to see hip bones. I was starting to thin out (even my stupid thighs).

I always ruin it. This is how I feel right now, I'm all 3 of these people.

EDIT:: Scale is right outside the shower I had to step on. 133. What the fuck? I haven't eaten anything today... but I've drank a ton of water. That's so so so wrong. We'll see what happens tomorrow, then I'll update real weight... what the friiick.


Ana's Girl said...

Aww. That sucks so much. I HATE it when mothers freak out and make you eat.... Well, my mom doesn't do that, but my grandma does. I'm sure that if you just eat enough to allay her fears for a week or so, she'll stop watching so closely. Stay strong, sweetie.

heebeejebus! said...

No one's ever forced me to eat before. It sounds so terrible and I'm afraid to tell anyone IRL about my fasting or anything because I'm so afraid they'll make me eat. Well I'm so sorry and I hope she doesn't make you do that anymore. : (

Winniee, said...

Don't worry about your mom, her suspicions will soon pass if you play it right. So keep going and don't give up! :)
And also your comment to me really lifted my mood. It's so comforting to know there is someone out there who supports me, someone who I can trust to spur me on.
Thanks for your support, keep in touch

Dot said...

I'm sure you're mother will calm down if she sees you eat regularly for a few days. And is there anyway you can eat half in front of her, then say you'll eat the other half in your room and throw it away?
my mother always makes me eat. That's why I hate going there : ( And you did so well the rest of the day, I'm sure it didn't undo all the good work you've done ; )
Stay strong <3

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