Wednesday, September 30, 2009

That Much Stronger

Today was one of those days that, under normal circumstances, should have made me lose it. Binge all-night, have major anxiety attacks, cut...

In Bio, first thing, I got my unit test mark back - 96% on multiple choice, 100% on numeric response, 75% on written. So, ok. Didn't do so hot on written, but it worked out to an over all average of 90%, and that's hella amazing for bio! Stoked, revitalized by Godiva coffee (3hrs of sleep = 3 cups, I figure haha), and aware enough to begin to comprehend the endocrine system, I feel my mood rise and my stress about the rush-job english project disperse.

Then, the bomb. Social studies is my thing, ok. I'm talking lowest assignment/quiz marks being in the 80s. Grade 10 = 95%, Grade 11 = 93%. I got my unit one test back that I wrote yesterday. 66%. My heart skipped a beat. I wanted to cry and scream and run and cut. Oh, I wanted so badly to cut. The teacher said that our honors class average on this test was 52%. No one got it, obviously. Something isn't clicking in the class. I barely heard her, but the excuse stands. Devastated, I spent a good 15mins staring at the wall. Thankfully, my teacher, bless her personality and not educational prowess, noticed and pulled me aside after class and offered a bonus project in order to up the mark. At this point, anything closer to my 90% is icing. Still, even after that, I was in shock, awe, and numbness.

The day then constituted me trying to, a) focus on finishing my English project, b) doing vast amounts of social homework that I am late on without wallowing, c) focusing on analysing Finding Forrester, d) support friends who are going through major drama (remind me to post on this later, but it involves...6 girls, one guy and several extreme offenses to the Rules of Feminism - not actually, but Mean Girls rock), and e) not walk over the nearby Starbucks destroy my stomach.

By the end of the day, I was surprised with myself. I was OK. It would be OK. It sucks, I made a mistake, I was running on 4 hours of sleep and no review, and I can boost it a little. I went to CBD and looked at universities and scholarships without panicking and having an attack, which is an accomplishment in itself.

Hilariously, and sterotypically enough, on my way home I was listening to some of my most connected songs - "My Heart" by Paramore, "Sealion" by Feist, "Everybody's Fool" by Evanescence, "Paperbag" by Fiona Apple... and watching myself dig back into the hole. Failure, fat, doomed, worthless. Then, "Fighter" by Xtina came on. It struck me. I grew from this. I finished my english project on time. I didn't binge. I didn't cry or cut. I am that much stronger and I can rebound from this. I can overlook it and learn from it. I got a 66%. I want a 90%+. What now?

I came home, made a decent sized dinner (skipped lunch + small breakfast, so still under 1000), did homework, chatted, thought, and relaxed somehow. Its a big step for me. Before it's always been, either go the careless route and binge and stare and the ceiling, or dive into it and not stop. I managed the good grey scale and I'm really proud of myself.

I'm even more proud that I told my mother without crying or going into hysterics (also a usual) the day it happened. I proceeded to go on about the rest of my day, because that shouldn't define it.

Feeling better about life in general. Especially happy about the prospect of having gym time over the weekend. I am so close to 140 again. 140 is so close to my goal. It'll happen. And I will sleep a full 8hrs tonight.

Hope everyone had a decent day. Stay strong ladies <3. (also, pic is mine).


Ana's Girl said...

You ARE strong, hunny. I was so worried about you, but then i kept reading and i realized, you've got it all under control! I'm proud of you :)

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