Sunday, September 13, 2009

This entire weekend has been a major bust.

I feel it... I feel it clicking again. I need to exercise, count calories, restrict, cut; achieve, and maintain perfection. I've let weeks slip by, so much slip into my body. My mood swings exhaust me. I hate it. I just want to down something numbing. Even cutting isn't helping right now. I have no fucking control over anything, even myself.

I want so much to achieve, yet I stop myself from doing that.

I need so much, yet I get in my own way.

I've never hated as much as I do right now. All day I've been angry; it is just not I realized I'm mad at myself. I'm tired. I want to sleep but I can't. I'm such a failure. I want this out of my system. All of it. I want to fast for days, exercise... I wish my parents weren't home. I wish they didn't care, or that I didn't care... I want to scream, "GET AWAY" and "I HATE YOU, YOU'RE SO FUCKING WORTHLESS". I want to carve it into my skin. I want to show everyone, "there, is this what you wanted? I was never ever ever ever good enough, how about now?! can I be ok with myself now?".

I hate being this person, but I can't stop being this. I can't stop.


'Winnie said...

I really wish there was something I could do,
I know how that feels and I would do anything to save you from that feeling.
All I can say is, you are worth it. You are worth everything, now believe it.
I hope your doing better than i am

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