Thursday, September 10, 2009

I ate yesterday, obviously, so my weight was back up again today to about 140 - which sucks but it's OK because it's water/food weight (I hope).

I had a really productive day in general, which will always make me really happy. I got posters for two different clubs designed, approved, and printed. In bio we're moving on from neuroscience to the eye - and I'm extremely interested so that class rocks. Social pisses me off, because our teacher is teaching it very choppily (is that a word?), anyways whatever. Lunchtime meetings went swell. On my spare, I got all my homework, and studying done. English we started reading these university-level essays about the Race/Class/Gender theory, which is something so intrinsically meshed into social studies that it's almost the same class and that makes it AMAZING.

Then, the bad stuff started to happen. I went to Portfolio (useless class), and we watched this student-docu about university and how to go about applying and getting funds. I haven't thought about university in a while (at least not directly), and I just started getting really panicky. I'm not one of those easily-made-to-react-to-over-whelming-situations kind of person, but I literally RAN out of the class room panting and clenching my fists... my heart was just pounding. I was supposed to go and put up posters after Portfolio, but I just HAD to get out of school, physically out of the building. Yay, panic attacks.

So, I went to the Library, picked up several soundtracks (Les Mis, Hair, Phantom), AIDA dvd, Wuthering Heights, and spent 1hr and a half reading a diagnostic book about Eating Disorders which strangely enough made me really want to eat (I didn't eat lunch, btw, so I stuck to that plan! yay) and, also, made me really doubt I have an eating disorder...

After I was thouroughly convinced that the psychology behind Eating Disorders is mind-numbing, I picked up my notebook and started brainstorming things for my English Essay that I scrapped. 40mins later, I had my outline. Funny what a few days mental leave from a subject can totally refresh you.

Anyways, I came home in a daze of confusion about my motivations, about my panic/future/funds etc and binged. Tomato soup, bun, chocolate pudding... god. I feel so gross and bloated right now, but a lot more calm. Not that that, or anything else excuses gorging. I'm trying not to be mad because generally I've been very good this week.

Tomorrow is gonna be tricky cause it's my moms birthday, this means her favourite dinner - casserole and cake. Lovely. I have auditions again, then going shopping so I won't be home before 7, which means I can probably get away with a small breakfast, then only cake because shopping buddies are going to get hungry and eat at the mall...

I'm very tired right now, and I'm so glad it's friday. OOOH, big plus, I don't work all weekend so I can actually socialize with people - yay! I promise I'll get more photos up soon, I haven't had time to use the camera D=.

<3 stay strong.


Savory Sweet said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry about the panic attack. Feel better :)

Ana's Girl said...

I always got all panicky about university too... my solution was to just ignore it all and not go. Once i decided that, i didn't stress about it anymore. Don't follow in my footsteps! Lol.
Good luck with your mom's birthday dinner tomorrow. I'm sure you'll do alright. Stay strong!

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