It's like I'm lost

I have less than 4 hours to write 2 essays, clean, do laundry, study and not eat. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I procrastinate like a pro, but these really essays matter. Part of the reason I'm having such an issue with them is because I keep trying to think of a better way to write. Something more sophisticated, earth-shatteringly brilliant, original, but somehow it's just not coming to me. I have such an issue handing things in that aren't 110%, and in a class were everyone is always at 110%, I feel like the stupid-one. How ridiculous is that? It's only 2 weeks in and I'm already the stupid one.

Today, my fasting failed but only because I accepted that I had only got 2 hours of sleep, and that I needed to be productive today (and I haven't really yet, imagine that). Still at a solid 143. Ugh. Need to get this off.

On a side note (the happiest part of my day so far), I did some power shopping at the mall and local thrift store - spent a whole 60$ on 4 belts (waist cinchers), 2tops, 2 tanks, a scarf and a magazine + chocolate face mask. Now that is impressive. I love shopping too much. I'm glad I have money now, because I feel a little better in good clothes.

Like, 10 minutes ago, I got this insane, strong sensation to go on facebook and write a note entitled - "I have an eating disorder. I'm sorry." and tag everyone. Just get it out there. Not for attention, not for treatment - unless they want to give me appetite suppressants or something haha -... but just so I can stop hiding. I have so many secrets, so many walls around my heart, I feel so inhuman. I just want this thing in the open so people can understand that I'm not a bitch, or a robot - that I feel and I hurt and I can't show anyone.

Of course I won't do that. Ever.

Strange thing is, I had the same sensation while writing my letter to my English teacher. "Oh, by the way, a big part of my identity and my perspective on life is my undiagnosed eating disorder. Suprised? You shouldn't be! I am a classic case. " Talk about shit hitting the fan, huh? I don't know, has anyone else ever had that urge to just tell someone, anyone/everyone and suffer the consequences?

It also reminded me that I admitted to the fact - I have an eating disorder. I forget that sometimes. "I'm not some stupid, model-obsessed girl who wants attention - I'm just fat and doing things to change that! Oh wait..."

It's like I'm lost between all these forces of my personality that are constantly pulling at me. Maybe that's why I can't ever focus on anything, or commit myself to anyone - my brain couldn't handle it.

Sometimes, I really wish I was a crack addict. Or mia. Or a smoker. Or that I just didn't care about school. Or that I had a real talent in the arts that I could make a career out of. Instead, I'm just kind of decent at managing things, and PR. I'm a goody-two-shoes who hasn't puffed a puff ever. It's irritating.

Today, I contemplated my future and saw a black hole. Nothing.

Started my period today too - I remember at one point I was so thin I stopped that - so that explains my major mood swings/ bloating/ chocolate cravings. Doesn't excuse it though. Still fasting tomorrow.

Now only 3 hours to complete. FUCK.